The Gifts of BDSM

24 Dec

Those of you who read Mick and Molly over at UCTMW have probably already read his post “Input from a New Contributor.”  If you haven’t, and you want to read it now, go ahead, i’ll wait….but hurry back.

{tapping foot}

If you don’t want to go read UCTMW right now,  just know that a woman named Donna, who’s made some delightful comments on my blog and other people’s, wrote an essay - “The Indomitable Human Spirit.”   Mick does a lovely job talking about Donna, and shares some of her humor in his post, so I won’t do that here.   But if you haven’t read her essay yet, please read it now, because  i’m going to jump off from there.

Donna talks about the benefits of a BDSM lifestyle in her own life, how it helps in dealing with a physical disablity that could otherewise limit her sexual pleasure.   She suggests that knowledge and experience of the lifestyle might be helpful for other people who are wheelchair bound.  She points out that we have young people coming back from the military with new physical limitations, who will need to find hope for their futures. 

Her essay really puts in words some of the amazing beauty of BDSM.

It makes me think about conversations i’ve had lately with JM, the amazing analyst, about the value of BDSM.  You know, just the fact that so many of us are – um, not young – and that not being a young, skinny, blonde model is really ok – goes against most of the values in our society.   

(Of course, it’s ok if you are that skinny young blonde too…)   

And - BDSM makes me think about a wonderful book called “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch.  He talks about relationships from a different perspective, one that i really like.  Along those same lines, he says that sex doesn’t really start to get good until the second half of life.  

Yes.  Let me say that again.  Schnarch says that sex doesn’t really start to get good until the second half of life.  

(If you’re still in your first half, all i can say is “yes, it does – even if you think it’s good now, i think it gets better.   Or, it can.”) 

So – BDSM recognizes that we don’t quit being deeply sensual with our first wrinkles.  i think that’s a gift.  Only one of many that the lifestyle offers. 

For me, the openness of sexuality is a powerful gift.  The opportunity to talk  - and act – on feelings that had been half-buried all my life is exquisitely thrilling.   And psychologicially, how much healthier than keeping everything repressed and bottled up.

So i begin to think, what happens if i try to fully integrate the gifts of the lifestyle into my conceptualization of psychology and human sexuality?  i’ve been playing with that on here from time to time anyhow.  Maybe i need to get more serious about it.     

In Where-i-live, there are several therapists on the Kink Aware Professionals list – maybe it would be helpful to  talk to them about whether or not this is integrated into their practice or something they pull out when a kinky person makes an appointment.   Since i’m on the verge of starting a private practice myself, i’d been thinking about doing that anyway.

Also, i have a friend who’s a therapist (not here) who works a lot with sexuality.   Actually, she specializes in sexuality with people who have physical disabilities, so that ties right in with Donna’s perspective.  She reviews sex toys and has linked with sexual blogs on her professional face book page.  Maybe it’s time to have an in-depth conversation with her.    Hmmmm.

And beyond all that, i have a tremendous resource in the connections i’ve made through this blog.  So let me throw this out to youall. 

What do you see as the benefits of “living the lifestyle?” 

What are your thoughts on how BDSM fits into our psyches? 

What are the gifts?  What are the dangers? 

i’d love to hear from people who don’t have their own blogs too – if you don’t want to comment publicly (although you can do it annonymously) you can e-mail me at Hisservant48@yahoo.com  If you’ve been a lurker, let me know if it’s ok for me to e-mail you or not.  In either case, i’d love to hear from you – and of course,  from my fellow bloggers. 

Don’t expect immediate results, cause it’s gonna take me a while to really move on this, and i have a few other projects in the works, but i’ll share what i learn as i go along.   Cause here’s another reason it’s important – for me – to figure out how this fits in.

i have clients now who make me wonder if i could do something different with them if i could figure out a way to work BDSM into the conversation.  

My client who calls herself “a crispy marshmallow” – hard on the outside, all goo on the inside – i wonder where she might fall on the D – s continuum.  What would it be like if she could explore that without shame?   

And my clients who are caught up in wanting to “give” and please and take care of other people – where might they be on the spectrum?  Would it be helpful for them to be able to talk about it from a perspective other than “co-dependency?”   My fantasy is that they could learn new ways to value themselves, rather than getting caught up in “I shouldn’t be like this.”

Yeah, time to work a little more on this.  Thanks, Donna, for the nudge.  {Smiles}

**************************************************

Feeling a little nostalgic today for Christmas past, when family and friends were in and out of the house all the time today and tomorrow.   So maybe i’ll come back later and work on “Back to the Training School- Part II.” 

Hope you’re enjoying the day…

P.S. – ‘Nilla pointed out in a comment that “on the spectrum” has become closely associated with what we call “the autism spectrum” and has begun to have a negative connotation.  Here’s a real spectrum:

Regardless of whether we're talking about autism or kink, being on the spectrum is not a bad thing! Life's a continuum.

 

15 Responses to “The Gifts of BDSM”

  1. thesubmissivebf December 24, 2010 at 8:33 am #

    I agree that the sex gets better during the second half…where I am now. Having the best time!

    • aisha December 24, 2010 at 8:44 am #

      Cool – so I have questions.

      Is it better partly because of BDSM? Were you practicing kink when you were younger, or is this a relatively new aspect for you?

      Um, not to be pushy or anything. No pressure to answer, right?

      Glad you’re having fun!!!

      aisha

  2. nilla December 24, 2010 at 8:53 am #

    i find it *intensely* interesting that you use the term “spectrum” to describe where someone may be in the D/s lifestyle….

    those of us who have kids “on the spectrum”…well it can have negative connotations…oh, Johnny is ‘on the spectrum’…but for me it was a helpful thing…an answer to questions that we had as parents of a severely differently-abled child who is now a differently-abled adult.

    Putting D/s to the litmus test of “spectrum” is an exciting way (to me at any rate) of marking our places…always understanding,however, that our placement on that “line” is flexible as we change, grow, learn….

    another extremely thoughtful post aisha.

    wish you were closer…we’d suck you up into our feverish Christmas with love and joy, laughter and hugs in a heartbeat…

    Blessings come in many forms, small and large, obvious and subtle.

    Thank You for being a blessing in *my* life this year!

    Hug,

    nilla

    • aisha December 24, 2010 at 9:02 am #

      Yeah, I know that “on the spectrum” is taking on that meaning. And – I’m going to go back and edit my post to show you my concept of spectrum. I was going to do it here, but can’t make the link happen. I’d like to see us take the negative connatation back out of that phrase.

      Anyhow. Yes, our place is flexible, and isn’t that cool?

      It would be fun if I were closer, but I suspect there’s a season for types of Christmas too, and I’m ok – I can feel the love and joy and hugs from here! Thank you.

      And you didn’t answer any of my questions either. Hmph. But you’ve been a blessing in my life this year too, so I guess I can’t get too snippy about it.

      love,

      aisha

  3. greengirl December 24, 2010 at 9:29 am #

    Aisha,
    My first response – esp to the first part of this is AMEN. As always – you have about 6 posts all rolled into one and I have about 18 separate responses. I so appreciate how your writing helps me connect dots in my thinking.

    Unfortunately, in trying to write a comment here – I’m not sure it’s going to come out sounding at all connected. But here goes anyhow – I think that living/practicing BDSM takes resources – emotional and psychologoical, mental, self control, self awareness, self confidence, a degree of looking outside of “me” to consider the other person, and probably a lot more i can’t think of right now. Probably some people have that at a younger age, I know i didn’t. Even in my relationship with my husband, until i was older, I didn’t have the capacity to really, really integrate him into my thoughts and feelings and actions this way, and certainly not to trust him this way. As much as i know this is a good way for us to live, i’m glad we didn’t discover it until I (we) were ready.

    The oh so razor fine edge between D/s and abuse is cruel. Without the emotional resources on both sides, I think it is too easy for dominant or submissive urges to be expressed as physical and psychological abuse. (You know) it is very complex, deeper and much more complicated than can really be portrayed in any writing. Living with a disability, or with a person who has a disability adds layers and layers of emotions and complexity. Maybe an introduction to the structure, the concepts of D/s would help some people in that case. All the self control, self awareness, and emotional maturity still need to be in play also though.

    I would be interested in talking with you about this, esp in relation to people with disabilities, but perhaps not publicly.

    • aisha December 24, 2010 at 9:35 am #

      Omigosh – and your comments are rich and deep and fascinating, with layers of their own. Thank you so much. Can’t possibly do them justice here and now – and -

      - need to go do all those Xmas things I’ve left undone –

      so -

      e-mail me, or I will you. I would LOVE to talk more about any of it – you must know that’s like in the top 5 of things I enjoy!

      aisha

  4. Mick December 24, 2010 at 10:17 am #

    Thoughtful blog as always, Aisha… have a great holiday.

    • aisha December 24, 2010 at 4:14 pm #

      Thanks, Mick – hope you’re having a great holiday too!

  5. yesthankyousir December 24, 2010 at 10:51 am #

    Aisha, Hi and Merry Merry Holidays to you!

    I’ll answer a few of your questions, being in the “lifestyle” for me helps to really balance out the intense NEED I have for a little abuse. A part of me realizes that I love the emotional roller coaster that it brings. I feel a lot of people have cocooned themselves in “feeling good”. While I don’t suggest getting off of meds if you need it. I don’t want to live in the fuzzy world of numb. Because, it would mean me not really living, right? I appreciate when I find someone with whom I can place trust for my safety and well being. To be “taken care of” for a while, even if *smile deviously* the care being taken is to leave me bruises and marks. I think this even answers the dangers questions; it’s dangerous, it’s exciting. And for an adrenaline junkie like me feeds the monster.

    On another note, the intimacy reached through even just a few conversations. Or for me a few texts/calls every few days, it’s unparalleled. For someone, X that for the right one, to reach inside and pull those things out with no judgment …. It moves me.

    • aisha December 24, 2010 at 4:27 pm #

      What a wonderful response, yesthankyousir. Lots for me to ponder. I certainly agree with the adreniline junkie part – think I’m there too, although most people who know me don’t see it. Am the “feeling your feelings” thing – Big YES!

      And o, yes, that intimacy.

      Ok, thanks again – that helps. I’ll may be back with questions…

      Have a happy Holiday!

      aisha

  6. vanillamom December 24, 2010 at 10:17 pm #

    Yes, i didn’t answer your questions. i had to ponder. And puter time with wife on mini vacation is harder to come by except in short bursts…

    which leads into how i don’t “live” the lifestyle. i do in my head, and i want more controls from my current Dom, and is the main factor that i’m in conversations with a new Dom.

    The strictness, the…answer-ability…responsiblity…the need to be responsible to someone…well, i need it.

    i am the capable one in my vanilla life. The fix-it gal, the handywoman, the “mom can do anything” person.

    Service in D/s is different. He doesn’t expect me to be incapable, far from it. But it’s more about who *i* am…my personal strength.

    i am a pain slut, and slowly learning this about myself. i want to be hurt (not harmed, but pain is quite a sexual stimulator for me) safely.

    i’m going off on a tangent here and not certain where i am headed with this.

    just…as much as being the capable vanilla woman serves a purpose, like the glue holding the family together, so to is the service i give to a Dom the glue that holds ME together.

    The gift is mutual…what HE gives to me, hopefully, feeds me, fills me, nurtures me, and encourages me to grow to be a more focused, thoughtful, giving sub. I hope that the Man i serve feels that i am gifting back as fully and richly as He deserves.

    nilla

    • aisha December 25, 2010 at 4:46 am #

      Thanks for pondering, ‘Nilla – your responses are well worth waiting for. And of course there are layer in your ideas –

      If I understand – part of it is the “this is someone that I don’t have to be in charge and capable around all the time…” It is more about other parts of you (of me too) I think? O, I don’t think I’m capturing what you’re saying, but I think I understand. It’s “me as woman” not so much as caretaker? is that it?

      Now you’ve made me ponder…

      The pain part is interesting, isn’t it?

      “The glue that holds ME together…” Yeah. But different from a vanilla relationship, although I know there are vanilla people who would say that about their relationships. So why is it different???

      Is it different, or do I just think it is???

      {shakes head…}

      More to think about…

      Thank you, ‘Nilla. I appreciate your words so much.

      hugs,

      aisha

  7. perfectlips December 25, 2010 at 6:31 am #

    Dear Aisha

    I linked over from Jumping On In.

    Your answers are all from subs (I think). Do you have any answers from doms?

    PL

    • aisha December 25, 2010 at 6:35 am #

      Dear PL,

      Thanks for reading!

      No, no answers from Doms. Wish I did have!

      aisha

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Gift | Vanillamom's Blog - December 25, 2010

    [...] asked some good questions about BDSM on her blogpost here, which inspired the following little story. a big round of thanks to her, she asks the big [...]

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