The Source of My Submission

12 Aug

My friend, J, wanted to know when i knew, how i knew, that i was submissive.  It seems like always.  i always knew.    It took me a long time to learn not to talk about it in my vanilla relationships – which was all my relationships, for most of my life. 

Telling a vanilla man that you want to please him  more than anything, to give yourself to him, to belong to him – o, not such a good idea.   Sometimes, they just don’t get it, and think you’re weird.  Sometimes, they think it means it’s ok to ignore your needs and wants altogether.   Either way, not so much fun for the submissive woman. 

Not so much fun for me.

So i learned pretty quickly that it was best to keep those thoughts to myself.  And mostly i did, but every once in a while, i’d fill up with love and longing, and the feeling would spill over into words.  i just couldn’t help it. 

Occasionally, it even seemed like it was going to be ok.  Like maybe i could express my sense of self that way and he would respond with control and demands, and acceptance and care and support.  But being controlling and making demands don’t  make a man a dominant.  So it rarely ended well. 

i’d end up taking back all those things i said.  i’d assure him that hell, no, i didn’t mean that crap, and he’d better quit… whatever it was he’d decided was his right to do.  Then i’d lock all those feelings back up, way deep inside, and promise myself i’d leave them there forever. 

And that was ok – this is not about feeling sorry for me at all.

But i’d feel stupid then, like i should have already known better – and i did, i’d remind myself.   i knew better; it was just a momentary slip.  A mistake.  Not to be repeated. 

So when i was talking to my friend today about how i’d always known i was submissive, he asked me if i had a mental image that had always been with me.  An image that expressed my submission.

i had to stop and think.  Look inside myself for a minute or two.  And there it was. 

A feeling more than a visual image, but so strong.  Open.  Receptive.  Giving.  Reaching out. Wanting to please.

i can feel it. 

Of course the visual is me kneeling.  Face uplifted.  My arms may be bent, close to my body, palms up, or resting on my thighs.  Or clasped behind my back.    

i am waiting – waiting to be directed, told how to please.  It turns me on, the feeling, and it scares me still.  It is still such a vulnerable place to be.

Well.  i think about it now, look back at those times i made the mistake of talking about how i felt.  i think, maybe it wasn’t so much a mistake.  Maybe it was an opportunity and he, whoever it was that i loved that much, just didn’t know what to do with me at all.  Maybe i wasn’t wrong for taking the chance, even though it didn’t work out the way i would have liked.

Back then, i didn’t even understand it.  Now, i read other people’s blogs, or discussions on Fetlife and it’s all explained.  It’s not unusual, being submissive.  Not uncommon.   That’s a wonderful feeling.  Such a relief.

It makes me think that maybe there is Someone who will truly want what i have to offer.  Someone who’ll understand what i need.  Whew.  There’s a scary thought.  You have no idea how scary.

And the thing is, it’s not like it’s going to be all kneeling and cock worship.  There is actually more to me than what’s in this blog.  (I know – who’dda thought it???)   And i need someone who wants the whole frigging package.  Maybe Sir D.  i don’t know.  We haven’t known each other long enough to know.  

So i’ve been thinking about all this, and talking about it, and just needed to write it down.  i know this isn’t a “sexy” post.  No pictures.  No moans or cries.  Not an orgasm or a spanking to be found.   But this – the feeling, the posture – is at the heart of all the rest.  It’s the source of my submission. 

4 Responses to “The Source of My Submission”

  1. Mick August 13, 2010 at 8:04 am #

    Maybe not one of those blogs, but it does help us get to know the person who is writing all that hot and compelling stuff, which makes them all the more hot and compelling. Thanks for sharing that….Mick

    • aisha48 August 13, 2010 at 9:47 pm #

      @mick – thank you. I really appreciate that. 🙂

  2. nilla August 13, 2010 at 1:34 pm #

    oh, you are so wrong Aisha…this is an UBER sexy post…..that picture of one i carry inside of me as well.

    my hands are always tied behind my back tho, a metaphor, i think of how i feel my options are very limited in a D/s lifestyle. i’m stuck in a vanilla relationship…and i use the word stuck..but i don’t know. i’ve been trying to get back to a place of comfort there as well.

    but that openness to truly giving of oneself, gifting another with our submission?
    if that’s not out and out pure sexy…

    then i don’t know what is.



  3. aisha48 August 13, 2010 at 9:50 pm #

    @nilla – That’s so cool – that you have that image too! Interesting that your hands are always tied, I think you’re right about it being a metaphor. I didn’t realize you were really in a vanilla relationship, although I wondered. I hope you do find a place of comfort there – and everywhere.

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!


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