Wanting

16 Aug

And now it is just wanting – wanting to be touched.  Wanting to feel His hand in my hair, wrapping my hair in His fist, tugging gently, firmly, making me whimper.  Wanting to touch Him, stroke him gently.  To caress with my mouth; kissing, licking, sucking.  Wanting to be filled,  to feel His cock deep inside me.

Sigh.

It’s wanting to feel all the intensity He offers.  Rope against my skin.  The flogger.  His cock in my mouth.   That rising – higher, higher – over the top and down… ahhhhh, yes. 

Sigh.

It’s not that i can’t do without.  Of course i can.  And even now, still, i feel those twinges of shame at wanting. 

“Slut.”  Well, yes.  That’s right. 

Although, not quite, cause the definition of slut is just “a person, especially a woman, who’s considered promiscuous.”   And it’s not about lots of men, neither the longing nor the twinges of shame,  they’re about the desire.  “Slut” doesn’t say anything about the pleasure and the passion.  Liking it.  Loving it.  Is there a word for that?   

If there is, i don’t know it.  Don’t know the word  for a woman who feels this longing, wanting ache.  Of course it doesn’t help that i keep  reading other people’s blogs – nilla’s and sin’s and mick’s especially, o, and brooke’s – that keep me stirred up… like just thinking about it right now does, leaves me squirming here at my computer, all alone, before the crack of dawn. 

Well.  Time to get ready for work.  Push all this out of my mind.  It seems like a long time since i’ve blogged, even though it really hasn’t been, and really hasn’t been so long since i’ve seen Him.  i know that.  But there’s a time warp in the lifestyle that can turn a few days into forever…  or maybe it’s not about time at all. 

i could shut it down, you know.  Slam the door on all of it – spankings and nipple clamps, cock worship and Yes, Sir.   Go back to mundane.  Not vanilla sex – no, thanks.  But the day-to-day without D/s.  In some ways, it would be easier, without this stupid vulnerability, without the wanting more, without the need for Him.

Sigh.

But there is value in “sitting with it” too.  Like a form of mindfulness meditation, being able to hold the wanting without acting on it has power.  Choosing not to solve it, as if it were a math problem, but to appreciate the beauty of it.  Like a sunset, it just is.

So i hold it all inside me.  Still kneeling, palms up, smiling slightly…   

4 Responses to “Wanting”

  1. Mick August 16, 2010 at 10:53 am #

    Marinating in it, eh?

    The blogging and reading the bogs of other like minded folk does stoke the fire doesn’t it?

    (and thanks for the plug. it’s good to know the ripples of lust we create. You do too…..)

    Mick

    • aisha48 August 16, 2010 at 7:16 pm #

      Yep, marinating in it – that’s a perfect way to put it. Thanks for the kind words, Mick!

      aisha

  2. sin August 18, 2010 at 6:47 am #

    It would be easier without “this stupid vulnerability”.

    I think I could have stopped at one point., just stepped away from it. But now i think I need it.

    And the community of like minded people helps me, reinforces me, makes me feel more normal.

    Thanks

  3. aisha48 August 18, 2010 at 7:51 pm #

    @sin – You’re sooo right about the “community of like minded people.” I do love that. That’s why it’s so wonderful to get comments, I think.

    I hope you don’t just “feel” normal, but know that you are normal – just not “vanilla,” right?

    Thank you so much for reading my blog and taking the time to comment!!!

    aisha

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