TMI for a BDSM Blog??

20 Sep

Exactly how many times i came, that i was so wet, my panties were soaked through leaving a ring of moisture on the back of my skirt, or all about the lucious aroma of Sir’s cock as i lick and suck… none of that is TMI for a BDSM blog, right?  So what could be?

Ok, seriously – maybe the rest of this post.  As i walked tonight – cotton panties and bra, no underwire, shorts and my favorite Bob Marley “every little thing gonna be alright” t-shirt – i was thinking about my vanilla life.  I don’t think i’ve mentioned this before – i’m a therapist.  Mental health variety. 

And the rest of this post is about my effort to integrate who i am at work with who i am on here.   Not the physical, the visual, the sensual, but beginning to explore the emotional, the soulful, and the spiritual.  So if that sounds seriously boring, feel free to skip, and i’ll be back with more of my usual, probably soon!

As a therapist, i work a lot with people who’ve experienced trauma  – most often, childhood sexual abuse.   Lots of rape and domestic violence. i know a lot about abuse,  from my clients and from my own experience.   i believe that spirituality – bdsm – religion – and abuse have connections that weave them together and distinctions that hold them apart.  Although maybe not as far apart as we’d like.

So i come back from bdsm camp, sated with pleasure and memories and sensations, all floating around, waiting to be sorted and processed.  And i go to work.  Where i have – back-to-back – six individual clients and two rounds of group therapy.  Whew!

As a therapist, i sometimes see myself as Hecate, the goddess of journeys and crossroads, goddess of magic and darkness and night.   Hecate accompanies Demeter in her search for her daughter Persephone, even down into Hades and back.  She’s also associated with nurturing and childbirth – a kind of midwife maybe – and isn’t childbirth a journey too?   

 

Hecate is pictured with three faces, or three aspects…

i see myself connected with Hecate because my clients are each on their own journey.  If they invite me to, i’ll accompany them.  If it’s a trauma healing journey, i know some of the paths and roads to take.  i don’t know what the experience will be like for them particularly, but i know that we descend into hell and, before we’re done,  find the way back out again.  The biggest danger is getting part way into hell and stopping, too terrified to go on.   

If you’ve ever had to do this work yourself, you know that i’m not exagerating.  

One piece of the journey is telling the story, and being heard.  My job is to hear, and to hold still.  To not act, not fix.  To let the story hang in the air .  To feel it myself, as much as one can feel someone else’s story.   And then to reflect it, to recognize the pain, to help name it and hold it.

It’s an honor to be asked to take the journey with someone.   

Today, i heard a young man describe with real sorrow and regret what he did to his wife on their wedding night.  It was particularly poignant for me because my first husband had done the same things on our wedding night.  He – my husband – had never apologized, or acknowledged that it had been hurtful for me.   

My client can’t forgive himself.

And so i held all that inside myself, at 9:30 this morning.  The memory of what it was like for me, and the sympathy for my client’s wife, and the empathy for my client, who’s eaten up with guilt.  And i hoped that i’d be able to hear him well enough to feel his experience, and help heal the guilt and allow him to hold himself accountable for learning and growing from his mistakes. 

And then i had another client.  And another, and another.

So i was thinking about all that as i walked tonight.  And some other stuff.  And feeling a little overwhelmed, and a little sad.  Wondering if this was some kind of beginning of subdrop, if i just needed to come home and call Sir.  But you know, i have clients pretty much all day every day, so i also have to be able to work my way – process my way – through this.

i began to think about the Scarlet Sanctuary at bdsm camp.  i didn’t tell you all about that yet, and really, i could never do it justice anyhow.

Picture a darkened room, parts of it screened off.  There is music, soft, kind of new-age, flutes and drums maybe.  We’re greeted at the door by a soft-spoken man who asks about a few preferences – and do we want to experience this as a couple?   Yes, we do, and he takes us each by a hand and leads us behind the screens.  Two women join us, they undress Sir, the man undresses me.   It is very sensual and gentle. 

Sir and i lie side by side on the massage tables, our hands touching.  Our breathing is slow and rhythmic.   The man and the two women begin to touch us. 

Energy flows from them to us, through their fingertips into my skin.  Tingling warmth and heat, sensual, and yes, sexual, in a soulful way.   Like Mother Earth and mountains are sexy, like the sun warming naked flesh, like love is sexy.   That’s what the energy is, of course, it’s love.  It’s love and it’s God and God is love and energy and alive in each of us.  And when that connection happens, and the energy flows, i feel God inside me, alive and powerful.

As i walked tonight, i called on that memory, and remembering makes my palms tingle now, makes me feel warm and safe and at peace.  The energy nurtures me in my submission, and it nurtures me at work.  It makes me grateful.

{Laughing}  So this may be TMI for a BDSM blog.  But it’s part of my story, and just one more tiny part of the stories i need to tell. 

What about you?  Is there a spiritual aspect to your experience of BDSM?

 

8 Responses to “TMI for a BDSM Blog??”

  1. JaT September 21, 2010 at 3:44 am #

    Oh, Aisha – that was amazingly beautiful!

    Thank you!

    In one of the hats I wear I work in a vaguely similar field and I find it incredibly difficult to accept both incarnations of myself as part of the ‘functional whole’. To consider that there may even be synchronicity between those hats is liberating…well I shall have to think about it!

    I guess I struggle with viewing the BDSM part as separate from the ‘rest’ because it seems so out of step with everything else, as a communicator, as a counselor, as a gentle parenting facilitator…everything I do is geared towards assisting people live their lives through considered gentle progression, minimizing pain and maximizing understanding and compassion. I look at who I am as a sub, as a Mistress and it seems so dishonest, marking everything else with dishonesty too.

    Thank you for your insight and amazing words!

    xx JaT

    • aisha48 September 21, 2010 at 7:45 pm #

      Thank you, JaT – I really appreciate your comments and kind words.

      If my words help you begin to better integrate your self, and appreciate the beauty of your sexuality, I’ll be delighted – and honored.

      aisha

  2. Mick September 21, 2010 at 6:11 am #

    Not TMI at all. What’s unusually good about your blog is your ability to dig so deeply into your emotions, responses, feelings and put them on the page. I suspect that also comes through in your therapy, as you try to understand and help those you go on those journeys with.

    Great insight on the roll of a therapist too.

    thanks for sharing that.

    I don’t know how you handle a day of shifting gears from one persons world and problems to the next, all day long. That would be, must be, exhausting

    Mick.

    • aisha48 September 21, 2010 at 7:49 pm #

      Omigosh, Mick – thank you so much. I really appreciate your feedback. It’s real nice for the therapist to feel “heard” too.

      aisha

  3. sin September 21, 2010 at 6:28 am #

    There’s definitely a link between bdsm and spirituality for me. I find it most often in yoga, sometimes in synagogue. Of course I GO to yoga more often than synagogue so maybe that’s why. I find peace and tranquility and serenity in all 3.

    • aisha48 September 21, 2010 at 7:51 pm #

      Yeah, I thought you probably got it, Sin. Cool.

      aisha

  4. nilla September 21, 2010 at 8:36 am #

    This was a beautiful, soul-aware post, Aisha!

    I feel very much the mind-body-spirit connection that comes from being with Sir, either Sir, really.

    The freedom of totally submersing myself into His care, to ….letting go…is akin to the deep openness one finds in meditation…that kind of total openness to the Universal Spirit.

    The sex is all part of that, and yes, even the pain, the beating….different forms of release, but it is so terribly different from monks flaying themselves? Wearing tight costumes, or collars…is that to terribly different from hair shirts?

    All ways of supplicating the flesh, offering the spirit.

    Yes, definitely a spiritual connection.

    Awesome post.

    nilla

    • aisha48 September 21, 2010 at 7:57 pm #

      Nilla – thank you sooo much.

      Yes, submission is everything you describe for me too – the letting go, openness…

      And yes – that religious connection is absolutely there, isn’t it? We won’t even talk about the stigmata…

      I’m so glad you – and my little group of blog buddies – understand.

      aisha

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