24 Sep

There is a silence in myself.  An emptiness.  The space inside me that had expanded, filled with joy and sensation, has imploded, collapsed in on itself.   It leaves me hollow.

This is as it should be.

i can fill it if i want to.   With my job, my volunteer work, my activities.  With reading, cleaning, and writing here.   With the support of my friends (some of whom are reading this.. .thank you.   Believe me, you’ll hear from me soon.) 

i can fill it with fantasy – sexual or not.  “What i’m going to do when i win the lottery” is almost as entrancing as “What i’d like to happen the next time i see Sir D” or “What i remember from every bdsm story i’ve ever read…”

But it’s ok to have a silent, empty space inside me.    If i can stay still, and hold the space, it’ll be filled again.  i am right where i need to be.  With my heart open to the universe, open to whatever pleasure, whatever joy, whatever pain the universe is ready to send me.


5 Responses to “Silence”

  1. nilla September 24, 2010 at 10:05 pm #

    when you get to that place, that empty place, and it’s okay to be there…then you know that you are through the worst, and embracing the endless possiblities of what will be….

    blessed be,


  2. JaT September 25, 2010 at 12:41 am #

    🙂 I feel that way too sometimes and I actually enjoy it.

  3. prima angel oasis September 25, 2010 at 1:35 am #

    It is so important to be able to acknowledge that emptiness and not let it be something to run from. I understand.

  4. aisha48 September 25, 2010 at 5:22 am #

    @Nilla & JaT & Prima –

    Yes. Thanks for understanding. That’s part of what makes blogging so satisfying – the connection with youall and knowing that I’m not really crazy, that other people experience this too. You’d think, since I spend a lot of time assuring my clients that what they’re feeling isn’t crazy, that I’d already know that myself. And on some level I guess I do. But it’s nice to know youall are willing to talk about experiencing it yourselves.

    And basically, I ❤ you all. And Sin & Mick and Molly.


  5. Mick September 25, 2010 at 6:53 am #

    It’s good you’re in a patient state with it.

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