More Thoughts on Punishment

26 Sep

i woke up about 3:00 this morning, still thinking about punishment.  And guilt.    i realized that i had intended to mention Sin’s post on punishment in my post last night, but hadn’t.  Yes, i really was lying awake at 3:15  thinking about how her thoughts had started mine, annoyed at myself for not mentioning it.

Which led me to thinking about other things i’ve done that i consider thoughtless.  i can feel bad about them even months later, even if i’m pretty sure that i’m the only person who noticed them.  It’s annoying, and a lingering remnant of the perfectionism that still stalks me.

{Case in point – i still feel bad because i did a post a while back that referenced other people’s blogs, and didn’t use  names or link them back to the blogs.   And i know that i LOVE it when my name pops up in one of their  blogs – why would i not do the same for them?  In my own defense, i thought the post was going to mix the stories up so they weren’t clearly Mick’s posts or Nilla’s or Sin’s and after i’d changed it and redone it about 10 times, i realized i could have attributed parts to each of them, but i didn’t have much time left, and it was in my period of borrowed computers, and i just didn’t.  i really don’t know if anyone thought twice about it, i’m betting if they did, they’ve forgiven me and are over it by now.  At least, i hope so.  And i am sorry – it was thoughtless of me…  There, now maybe i’ll let it go.  See what i’m saying?}

On the other hand, there are probably all kinds of things i’ve done that really have hurt or offended someone that i’m not even aware of.  So how do i sort that out?  It’s confusing.

i may do something without even thinking about you that has some kind of negative effect on you.  You may assume that i was thinking about you, and that i purposely chose to  ignore your feelings, or to stomp on your feelings.  If i hurt you, then am i guilty regardless of whether i meant to or not?  

We try to solve that question by weighing how serious the injury is, whether or not the offender should have known it would affect the injured party, and so on.   Accusations and protests abound.  “How was I supposed to know???” and “You should have known – how could you  NOT know???’  reverberates in the air.   This is the stuff the drama triangle is made of (but i won’t go into that today.)

i try not to do all that when i’m the injured person.   i try to “make the benign assumption.”  To assume the other person wasn’t actually trying to hurt me.  That they weren’t directing their behavior at me.  An e-mail unanswered, a text message unreturned – it’s too easy for me to assume that’s about me.   That the other person is mad at me, or rejecting me, or just doesn’t care.

At the same time, for sure, i was raised to know that not everything is about me.   My mother probably had 10 different ways of reminding me and my sister of that.   “The world does not revolve around you,” she’d say, “it revolves around little old women, picking up sticks in vacant lots.”  (T.S. Elliot)

So it’s tricky.  Sometimes it is about me – she is mad at me, he is rejecting me.  More often, they’re just not thinking about me.   “We spend the first two years of our life learning that the world revolves around us,” Mom would say, “and the rest of our lives learning that it doesn’t.”

Sigh.

Where am i going with this? 

That’s right.  Guilt and punishment waking me up at 3 a.m.

In the lifestyle – do we  try to negotiate that all out ahead of time?  Is that part of the rules and punishment thing?  But if “He” punishes me because His feelings are hurt, is that necessarily going to make any sense to me?  Wouldn’t that negate the value of my intentions and make it more about His mood?  Which is fine if that’s what we’ve agreed on, but i don’t quite understand it.   And that’s not my situation, so it doesn’t matter if i get it or not.

But it’s not always about intention either.   Let’s say you cut off my arm, accidentally, while swinging your machete around.  And you’re dreadfuly sorry, and you didn’t mean to.  But then you keep swinging the machete around me.  There’s not much point in arguing about whether or not you’re trying to cut off my other arm, i just need to get a safe distance away from you and stay there.   Right?

Sometimes, it’s hard to know how to weigh it all out.   i wonder if Doms and subs use different scales.  Maybe not.  i know it’s easier for me to forgive you than to forgive myself.   Easier to imagine you holding something against me than the other way around.  And – hear me clearly – i’m not sure that’s virtue.  i suspect it’s something to keep struggling against.

But it explains why, now that i think about it, my other template for a punishment fantasy would be appealing to me!   Listen to this –

i’m in the training school for subs, where they also teach Doms how to be Doms.  In this version of the fantasy,  punishment happens at the end of the day.  You – we – the subs – accumulate tokens for punishment. 

Any time i’m disobediant or don’t meet the standards, the person i’m serving can attach a small ring to my collar.  Each ring represents a certain number of ‘licks” and they accumulate throughout the day.  In the evening, there’s a gathering, a relaxation period for the teachers and the Doms in training.  Sometimes there are outside guests as well, who might be considering sending someone to the school, or who just come to enjoy the activities.

If i have been given tokens, i have to line up with the other girls to be punished.  We are wearing…

Ok, you can probably take it from there, if you want to.  Use a cross or a spanking bench or whatever you prefer.  Be sure to include the whole “i have to count and say ‘Thank You, Sir,'” thing.  Have it end with multitudes of orgasms and cock-sucking, possibly at the same time.  Whew.  Ok.  Now, here’s my point:

If they’re keeping track of all my infractions, then i don’t have to.  i don’t have to figure out what i’m guilty of or what i’m responsible for.  And if i get punished every day, and start over with a clean slate – woohooo.  How cool is that?  

And – gosh, i’m really slow sometimes – for some people in the lifestyle, it really is like that, isn’t it?  Not the tokens on your collar, lining up to get punished, though i guess that could happen too.  But handing over the responsibility for figuring it all out.  And…

…i guess that is what i want.   O, my.

But in a fairly contained way.  A really contained way.  Not around my work.  Or family.  Or friends.  Maybe just in the relationship?  And is that reasonable?    Possible?

O, i need to go think about this.  This might really be the TMI post.  Will y’all all be my analysts?  {Laughing} 

8 Responses to “More Thoughts on Punishment”

  1. nilla September 26, 2010 at 2:06 pm #

    i can’t read all of this just now, family due home any minute, but….i had two comments on what parts i did read.

    You know how someof us get “songworms”…those snippets that keep circling round our heads for hours, days even?

    You have guiltworms.

    Truly, i don’t read your blog to see “me” there…i’m loving the deep insights that you are offering, and your voice and view are amazing.

    It’s okay. (smiles)

    i have another comment but my bread timer is beeping and since i forgot the yeast the first time (talk about guilt worms!!)…i need to turn it into the pan and get it cooking!

    more later…

    nilla

  2. aisha September 26, 2010 at 8:48 pm #

    Omigosh – you’re right – that’s exactly what it’s like – guiltworms. And I know it’s excessive and sometimes ridiculous, but I can’t always stop it.

    So – are you a therapist too?

    Hope your bread turned out great. I’d love to hear your othr thought if it comes back to you and you get a chance – if not – this is more than plenty.

    Thank you, thank you,

    aisha

  3. Mick September 26, 2010 at 8:56 pm #

    Actually, we don’t need credits. when you make little allusions to some thought or moment of our blog it’s every bit as gratifying. maybe more so, because it’s our little secret. I am too tired to think about the other stuff….Hope your weekend was fun and guilt free. Mick

  4. aisha48 September 26, 2010 at 9:14 pm #

    @Mick – That’s cool – thanks, i’m pretty much over it now anyhow. Yep, guilt free weekend. I know youall survived the ride – hope your Mistress’s private parts aren’t as sore as your knees… aisha

  5. nilla September 26, 2010 at 9:46 pm #

    *laughs* no, no not a therapist…just …i get it. Lots of life experience, i guess. Tho i am woefully naive about some things.

    My other thought i guess (hours later, and i soooo tired being up this late after a bout with insomnia last night)….i guess it echo’s what your Sir D says, and what i have said to D2 often…

    if i’m not in it to *do* it, do it well, to do it right to the best of my ability, accepting my role, my submission, why do it at all?

    i came to this so late. I just read an article about the rational mind in our mid=life (i’m early 50’s) and how we keep being able to resolve things that we couldnt in our 20’s 30’s and even early 40s…that made me feel better, but also helped confirm to me that this is a choice i’ve made with clarity, not spur-of-the-moment, gee isn’t it kewl to be “abnormal” kind of thing.

    So making that choice for me (and i speak only for me here) was one of salvation.

    Pretty bold statement but there you go. It was a drastic and bold choice to start a sex blog at 50, with zero experience in D/s relationships.

    It was a drastic and bold step to step outside my marriage and have a sexual affair/liason with a Dom. And to keep doing it. Not often, mind you, but when you cross that line, once is enough to end my relationship.

    It was a drastic and bold choice to state clearly, “I am bi-sexual, not just the lesbian i’ve been living as for 32 years,” and “i like to be spanked”.

    if i can step outside my comfort zone (and my life was very comfortable)…then don’t i owe it to myself and anyone i am in relationship with do be the best that i can be at it?

    i enjoy being a submissive. And i *always* embrace things i am passionate about, with the full force of my will. Sewing, knittiing, child rearing…if i try it, i give it my all.

    what’s this all got to do with punishment? Well back to that original statement. If i’m going to be bad on purpose, for fun that’s a choice i’m making, but one that might make my Dom unhappy. Both Doms i serve prefer me to be “good” not bad on purpose.

    Mistakes, learning curves etc aside…i don’t want to be punished. I want to enjoy what time i have fully. To be turned on by doing good, being treated like the dirty little slut who lives in my heart wants to be treated.

    nilla
    ps sorry for writing a treatise!!

  6. aisha September 27, 2010 at 5:10 am #

    Dear Nilla,

    That was a lovely treatise, and could actually be a post itself, couldn’t it? I should cut and paste it as a guest post…. But anyhow.

    What you say makes a lot of sense. I love the courage it took for you to make the “drastic and bold choice…” It surely was that. And – having come to this late myself (mid-fifties now, late 40’s when I first started exploring this I guess) I can relate. There’s a great book called “Passionate Marriage” that – among other things – talks about really great sex being something that happens when we’re older, not younger.

    And like you, I tend to do the things I do passionately. And want to do them well.

    So, I love what you’re saying. And love that you shared it here. Thank you sooo much, Nilla. You are wise and wonderful!

    aisha
    And no – yes – you’re right

  7. Mick September 27, 2010 at 6:08 am #

    This reminds me that ‘Nilla needs to do that Dom/Sub lifestye advice column that we talked about… half filled with her cheeky comments… half with her helpful and unique analysis.

    • aisha48 September 27, 2010 at 6:32 am #

      @Mick – You’re so right! Nilla?

      aisha

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