Thoughts on Submission

15 Oct

Jz did a post on sex, sensuality, and BDSM which tied in (i think) with some things i was already thinking.  In the last week, Sir D has  expressed His dominance in ways that feel new to me.  Ways that aren’t sexual, but still turn me on.  i’ve been pondering it often – driving to work,  falling asleep at night, in the shower.  

Last weekend, on Saturday, Sir said something to me that bothered me a little bit, not so much when He said it, as later, when i got to thinking about it.  Sunday morning, i got up early (as i do) and then i went to church, so i had plenty of time to think about what He’d said.  And put it together with some other things. 

By the time i got home from church, instead of being ready to joyfully fling myself back in bed with Him, i’d taken a couple of mental steps away from Him.  i wasn’t angry.  But i had moved away from Him.  Trying to protect myself, you know. 

i was going to talk to Him, ask Him about it.  i just wasn’t sure how to bring it up.   And before i could figure it out –

– He called me on it.  He knew, He could tell that something wasn’t right.  And He called me on it.

That amazed me.  “Being seen” touches me deeply.  It’s a gift i treasure.

i told Him what was bothering me.  What he’d said.  i expected – i think – to talk about it.  Have a conversation.  A discussion.   i started to say what i thought He’d meant.  I thought maybe He’d listen, then explain.  Instead –

He snatched me up.

It’s an African American phrase, at least that’s where i learned it.  When your child is about to run out in the street, you snatch him up.  It’s both the physical and the fussing that comes after.  When your teenage daughter wants to quit school and go live on an organic farm, of course you’re gonna snatch her up.  It’s not physical anymore, but it may feel like it to her.  At work, i sometimes used to berate myself for things that weren’t my fault.  My boss, a beautiful African American woman with deep blue eyes, would snatch me up in a heartbeat.   She’s one of the few people i’ve known who could do that for me.

But that’s what Sir D did.  He snatched me up. 

i was stunned.

“No,” He says, “you’re wrong.”  Just like that.   Firm and clear.   

“Kneel.”   

i pause, but just for a second.  Consider resisting, but just for a second.  Partly, i’m curious.  Where is He taking me?   Obediantly, i kneel.   Listening closely. 

He explains why i’m wrong.  Calmly, reasonably.  How i’ve taken what He said out of context, over-thought it, and misinterpreted it.  He makes sense.  i know He’s right.  i had done exactly that.   

He says it’s ok for me to question what He’d said.  He is very clear.  Questioning what He’d said isn’t a problem.  But keeping it to myself, over-thinking it, and putting distance between us because of it – that is a problem.  That is not ok.

i kneel beside the bed, and listen.  He is right. 

i apologize.  Say i’m sorry; i won’t do it again.  Say i’ll try not to do it again.  Not the over-thinking and not the distance.

And i know He will forgive me, but He says – He says, “I was going to use this anyhow, might as well make a point with it,” and –

– He picks up the carpet beater.  (You know, i showed you the picture of it.)  i am still kneeling beside the bed.

“Stand up,” He says, “Lean over the bed.”   

O – i want to stop time, i want to freeze the frame and absorb what’s happening, but there is something in his tone.  i stand, and bend over, upper body on the bed, ass exposed – and –

– you know,  – whack – the carpet beater lands on my ass with a sting-y thud, and mmmmpf, it hurts, but i’m not going to complain. 

Two.

Three.

At three, the crosshatching is lapping over where it has already landed – ohhhhhhh!  He doesn’t make me count, but then He says, “That’s 3,” and as the next one strikes – ahhhhhh – ohhhh – “4.” 

And another.  “5.”

He stops.  “That’s enough,” He says, rubbing my ass, which is burning under His touch. 

And it was over.

It wasn’t exactly punishment.  It didn’t feel quite like punishment.  It was – punctuation.     Yes.  It was an exclamation mark at the end of the talk.   It was highlighting the lecture and hitting “BOLD.”

And – o, my – i appreciated it.  (i typed that real slowly – like “am i really going to say this?”)  But there it is.  He touched me in a different way.  Not with the spanking, although sure, that too.  But snatching me up like that.  Um,

Thank you, Sir.

7 Responses to “Thoughts on Submission”

  1. Mick October 15, 2010 at 5:57 am #

    very skillful way of dealing with that type of misinterpretation. I can learn from that, for sure.

  2. sweek kk October 15, 2010 at 6:21 am #

    “Being Seen” and being “snatched up” are both so powerful Aisha… it’s no wonder you love your Sir so… you are a lucky girl!

    kk

  3. nilla October 15, 2010 at 6:49 am #

    in your profession, i would imagine that “overthinking” is an occupational hazard…i’m so glad He called you on it, and you got it all cleared up, His way.

    this was a beautiful post.

    nilla

  4. strivingforpeace October 15, 2010 at 7:12 am #

    Oh my goodness….I think I’m developing a crush on the two of you.

    this really spoke to me.

    sfp

  5. sin October 15, 2010 at 8:02 am #

    You are a thinker, and sometimes an overthinker. I suspect that will go on. But you’ll have the memory of the safety he offeres when it happens again.

  6. aisha October 15, 2010 at 8:14 am #

    @Mick – yes – i’m still kind of in awe of the skill involved.

    @sweet KK – Yes, i really am… and being understood is pretty powerful too – thank you!

    @’nilla – Good point – i guess it is an occupational hazard. And thanks, I’m glad you liked it. {smiles}

    @Sfp – I ❤ you! Thanks!

    @sin – yeah. That's why I backed up, after I said I wouldn't do it again, I had to say I'd try not to because, yes, I probably will. But – I've already stopped myself cold once as I was headed down that path again, so hopefully you're right.

    aisha

  7. prima angel oasis October 15, 2010 at 12:00 pm #

    I’m so happy for you aisha on so many levels. a very touching post. I’m glad He did this. Took the time to do this… it’s so important.

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