Coming Down

11 Nov

If you fly, eventually, you have to come back down.  That’s a fact.

Sigh.

i don’t want to crash and burn.  i want to land more or less gracefully, walk away intact.  

Not – you know, i’m not talking about that night, when Sir is still there.  That’s not a problem.  That’s like Stage One landing, and i enjoy that in its own way.  

And then, back in my home, Sir back in His, i move into Stage Two.  i’m doing all the mundane things of my life, and enjoying them, but part of me is still feeling connected.  i think blogging helps – it keeps the experience alive, connects me to the warmth, the thrill.  In the best of all possible worlds, i know that i’ll be seeing Sir again soon, and the momentum keeps me going just fine. 

That’s not the case this time.   This time, i know that i won’t see Him again until the first weekend in December.  Twenty-three more days.  Almost a month all together.    

i know, lots of you go much longer without real life contact.  Let me be clear – i’m not complaining.  i just want to figure out how to manage this without feeling bereft.

Bereft:  “Lonely and abandoned, esp. through someone’s death or departure.”

Ok, He’s not abandoning me, He’ll be back.  And there’s no reason for me to feel lonely.  I have family and friends and plenty of support.

And today, i still feel bereft. 

You know, at work, with my clients, i talk all the time about states of mind.  There’s emotional mind, and reasonable mind, and when those two states of mind talk to each other, communicate with each other, then i can find my wise mind.

So – let me be for real here.  My emotional mind is curled up in a ball, not crying, but withdrawing.  Not quite hurt yet, but i know it’s coming. 

My rational mind wants to hold it off, avoid it all together.  “You don’t have to feel that way,” i tell myself,  “No need for any fuss.   You’ll be fine.”  My rational mind can come up with at least 10 reasons not to feel what i feel.

Emotional mind doesn’t care.  She looks up just long enough to say, “Leave me alone.  You don’t understand.  i know i’m going to be ok, but i’m not right now.”

Sigh.

i know if i ignore the feelings, they won’t go away.  They’ll get stronger.

Damn it.  The only way through this is straight through this, isn’t it?  i need to practice that same mindfulness now as i do in the dungeon, right?   

Ok.  So i stay in touch with what i’m feeling right now.  i don’t try to pull away from Him and shut off the connection.   Or maybe i do – maybe that’s what i need to do?

No, that’s not what i need.

Ok.  i can figure this out.

It’s ok to feel what i feel.  i don’t need to complicate it by trying not to feel it, or by anticipating what i might feel next.  i need to stay in the moment.  i won’t try to talk myself out of my feelings, or push them away.  i won’t leap ahead to thinking about how much worse it could get.

Sigh.

i won’t berate myself for not being perfectly ok all the time. 

Sigh.

i’ll do all those things i know how to do to be ok.  You know, the same frigging list i make my clients create – things that make me feel better, ways i take care of myself…  i’ve got the list, i just need to use it.

i’ll try not to torture myself by wondering if i’m too needy, too dependent.   i spent the first half of my life learning how to withdraw and take care of myself without “needing” a relationship with a man.  I don’t need to practice that.   i know i can do that if i need to.

i’d like to learn to stay connected, to stay open and not be afraid.  If that makes me needy, well, it just does.

If that makes Him leave, well, it just does.

And i’ll blog.  i’ll write about my feelings and my fantasies  – {laughing} the good, the bad, and the ugly.  My blog is always for me first, so if other people lose interest, that’s ok.  i love being read, and having support, but i won’t be anything other than what i am.  i will stand where i am, and be ok with that. 

Sigh.

“Each place is the right place–the place where I now am can be a sacred space.”
~~  Ravi Ravindra

12 Responses to “Coming Down”

  1. sin November 11, 2010 at 8:00 am #

    What you feel is what you feel. If you are sad and feel bereft it’s irrelavent to say that others go much longer without contact. That’s not you. Right now you are sad and feeling disconnected from him and that’s hard. And you wind up further down, or at least it seems that way, after the highs of D/s. I often wonder if our lows really are lower or if they just seem that way.

    He probably doesn’t mind it too much. Doms like us vulnerable and needy (at least up to a point). He might even experience some of the same thing. “Top drop” someone called it.

    You’ll get through it. Btw, I wonder what the list is that you give to your clients. I think it’s about taking care of yourself, eating well (which I do NOT do, and always wish I had later or course) , exercising. Being with people who love you. What else?

    And i can’t resist commenting on your quote. I disagree that each place is the right place. I think it CAN be, and that goes with the rest of the quote, that any place can be a sacred and beautiful space, but some places are dark and we should try to avoid them. Just my thoughts.

    Be well. Write it down. I think it helps all of us to write it don’t you?” And we like reading your thoughts.

    • aisha November 11, 2010 at 8:26 am #

      Dear Sin –

      Thanks for your response. It always helps to hear someone else say it’s ok to feel the way we do – I don’t know why – there’s just something magical about it.

      I think the highs do make the lows feel lower – doesn’t matter if they really are or not, I guess. They sure feel that way. (Like :feels like” temperature on the weather report… I love that concept!)

      I wonder about that – if He does like my dependence on Him. Maybe, I guess. I don’t know. I’ll have to ask HIm.

      I have my clients make up their own list, but yes, the things you mention are ones I strongly encourage them to put on there! Spending time with pets is a favorite for many people. Something creative or artistic is also good. My personal list includes my volunteer activities, writing, keeping a gratitude list, church, coffee from my favortie coffee place (actually not coffee, I get a sugar-free vanilla chai latte with skim milk. Fancy, huh?) Listening to music – turned up loud. Scented candles. Using my toy. Stuff like that.

      I hear what you’re saying on the quote – but personally, I think – when I find myself in a dark place, it’s probably the right place for me to be at that moment… (Don’t I sound “zen?” Particularly for someone complaining about feeling bereft…

      Oh, well. Thanks, Sin, I really appreciate your thoughts…

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. Mick November 11, 2010 at 8:22 am #

    feel free to reach out to your friends up river…..Mick

    • aisha November 11, 2010 at 8:27 am #

      Thanks, Mick – that’s very sweet, and I will keep it in mind! hugs, aisha

  3. nilla November 11, 2010 at 9:17 am #

    *muah*

    i *love* you!

    right there, just right there–open, vulnerable, hurting…but *knowing* you will be okay.

    i recommend a sign on your fridge with *that* word on it.

    Big. Bold. in you face.

    *FUCK*

    When you open the fridge, you will see, it, maybe say it…and then laugh.

    it’s okay, so okay, to wallow in the “mood”…feel it, grok it, then move on.

    you know there are many hands here to catch you up should you call on us…but i know how damn good it feels to boost yourself up out of that hole and say “there, did it.”

    Big, HARD, hug,

    nilla

    • aisha November 11, 2010 at 9:43 pm #

      @’NIlla – thanks for the supportive words. It’s nice to know the hands are there – sort of like “spotting” me, like in gymnastics, right?

      {Laughing} Yes, FUCK on the fridge door might be just what i need – couldn’t hurt anyhow!

      Ok I’m sure I’ll wallow from time to time – again – thanks for being there – and thanks for the hug.

      Hugs back,

      aisha

  4. slave alisha November 11, 2010 at 3:36 pm #

    now more than ever, I have learned to allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m going to feel. It’s truly okay and understandable to feel the way you are. You have many, many people ready and waiting to be called on if you need them, or if you feel you are going to do something you dont really want to do. (such as pull away and shut off the connection)

    we love you aisha

    • aisha November 11, 2010 at 9:46 pm #

      @Alisha – Thank you sooo much. You’re a great role model for me these days, taking courageous steps all over the place, and feeling your feelings all the time! Thanks for the encouragement and the support.

      aisha

  5. Donna November 11, 2010 at 7:14 pm #

    It seems that those of us who experience our sexuality with deep passion also experience recovery just as deeply, too. It is an equalizing of pressure, I think…maybe a bit like diving off of a high diving board into a beautiful deep swimming pool. There is the exhilaration of flight, a magnificent entry into the water, the comforting rush of coolness as you cut through the water, but then you have to work to slowly rise, letting just the right amount of air escape from your lungs on your way back up to the surface. You are on your way up right now; do a bit of self care and keep a close watch on whatever has the power to keep you smoothly rising to the surface to fly again. It’s who we are. Hugs!

    • aisha November 11, 2010 at 9:51 pm #

      Thank you, Donna – I think you’re right – it does happen more intensely to those of us who experience great passion. , and that’s a great analogy – comparing a high dive at the pool with flying!

      Thanks, again – and hugs back to you!

      aisha

  6. strivingforpeace November 11, 2010 at 9:11 pm #

    Step by step my friend

    step by step.

    You are so right — the price of flying so high is that the lows are extra low — which is so challenging — particularly for us strong independant women

    blog it out sis — it’s the thing that always helps me

    Much love
    sfp

    • aisha November 11, 2010 at 9:55 pm #

      SFP – What???!!! Are you saying I can’t just do it all at once and get it over with???

      lol

      Ok, you’re right. One step at a time.

      I do think it’s harder for us strong independent types (does that make us the female equivalent of strong, silent type men?) but then I think about women I know who are in the clearly dependent and clingy mode, and Ithink they’re going to have to learn how to be independent first and then go throught this and…. am I babbling? It’s late for me…

      I will keep blogging – yes it does help!

      Thank you!!!

      love,

      aisha

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