More than the weather…

21 Nov

It’s going to be another beautiful day here in – where-I-live.  Well, beautiful for fall in the not-quite-south, but they’re predicting highs in the low 70’s for the next few days, and even if that’s global warming, i just can’t be sad about it.  It’ll be cold, bleak winter soon enough. 

My Sir IM’ed me last night, which was a treat.  i’ve heard from Him every day that He’s been gone, and i appreciate that.  Of course {laughing} with my skill at over-thinking, i started wondering if He considers me a task.  If i’m an onerous item on His vacation to-do list. 

BUT –

i stopped myself before that got very far.  i was reading OPB, and it seemed like every other one had some kind of relationship angst going on.  i really don’t need to create any for myself, although, being the gifted worrier that i am, i’m quite capable of doing it.

i remind myself that Sir D is quite capable of setting whatever limits He needs to for Himself, that really, i don’t need to be second-guessing what He wants.   

i’m going to a kinky discussion group tonight about relationships – how finding a relationship in the lifestyle is different from finding a vanilla one – which i suspect will be a lot of   “it’s really the same.”  But (assuming i don’t back out at the last minute) it should be interesting.  Usually, these monthly discussions separate Doms, subs, and switches, and each group explores the topic.  This month, instead of meeting in different restaurants, we’re meeting in the dungeon, and the groups will be together.  This’ll be the first one i’ve gone to.

Having been divorced twice, i probably know something about finding a relationship – maybe more about finding than keeping, but still.  {Laughing} At least, i know some of the things that keep me from staying… and some of the things that attract me… and what i think i’m looking for.   But, listening to people talk about relationships is always fun.  Vanilla or kinky, it’s all interesting.

One of the themes i noticed yesterday in OPB’s was anxiety.  Does “He” want to do the things we do, or is He just placating me?   Is “He” really just that busy, or just not that interested?    Do i really please Him?  Could He just be a little more controlling? 

Sigh.

Same as vanilla relationships, right?  The anxiety part, if not all the content.  And anxiety is just part of  life, part of relationships.  i know that.

My fantasy (not so kinky) is that my Sir doesn’t do things just to placate me.  That He does things He wants to do, and they happen to coincide with what i want.  Or – if they don’t – that i adapt.   But i don’t control what He thinks or does.  And i don’t want to.

And, having said that, i’ll let go of it now.  The anxiety, the second-guessing and over-thinking.    If there’s more to be said, He and i can talk about it when we need to. 

For right now, i take all the uncertainty contained within me and lay it out on the table, like a sand mandala.  All the “does He/doesn’t He?”  all the “will i/ can i/ should i?”  all the “what ifs.”   i lay them out gently, with respect, not blaming myself for having them. 

i spend a little time with them.  Touch each one.

Then i open the window .  There’s a breeze, gentle but steady.  The breeze blows  through the room,  lifts all the anxiety and needless worry.   Carries them away, letting them disperse, drift away into the air, like the sand mandala. 

Feeling lighter now, i’m ready to go on and enjoy my day.  Not just the weather is beautiful – really, my life is so good. 

10 Responses to “More than the weather…”

  1. Mick November 21, 2010 at 6:43 am #

    Interested in your report on the group…. but will all the “furniture” just get ignored? seems a waste. Mick

    • aisha November 21, 2010 at 6:55 am #

      You know, I had the same thought! Who knows?

  2. strivingforpeace November 21, 2010 at 7:15 am #

    I want to be you when I grow up.

    I started this entry with you todday and found myself talking in my head to you,

    As I started to “Now Aisha” you — you brought us all around with you

    and returned the scene to peace and trranquility and acceptance for who you/we all are

    I adore you

    sfp

    • aisha November 21, 2010 at 7:37 am #

      @Sfp –

      That’s funny – and sweet – and you know, whatever parts of me you like, you recognize because they’re already alive and well in you.

      Besides {laughing} Sin is predicting you’re going to be like me, based on your last blog post…

      I ❤ you too!

      Hugs,

      aisha

  3. sin November 21, 2010 at 7:53 am #

    Relationship angst sucks. And I know, I know, I am the WORST for it too. I think I’ve said before that my blog should be called “struggling with submission”. But today is much better, waaaaay less blue than yesterday.

    I was struck by you saying that they split up doms, subs and switches in the discussion groups. I want to hear lots more about that. i hope there will be info coming. Are there specific topics or just whatever the evening brings?

    • aisha November 21, 2010 at 8:05 am #

      I”m so glad you’re feeling better today!

      I don’t think they’re going to split us tonight – usually, they actually meet in separate restaurants. Actually, I kind of wish they were splitting us tonight, I think you get a lot more posturing and people trying to impress people and so on if we’re all together. But we’ll see. I’m curious to see if the Doms get all domly, or if they sit back and let the subs reveal themselves (ourselves,) as They’re prone to do anyhow! Should be some interesting group dynamics…

      In January, they’ll go back to splitting, so I’ll have to go back then for sure.

      There are specific topics each month.

      Now I have to go check your blog again and see if you’ve posted lately!

      Hugs,

      aisha

  4. greengirl November 21, 2010 at 9:36 am #

    I believe that most people worry about something. I know what i worry about – obsessively sometimes – is he doing this for me, is he really interested for himself, will he get tired of it, of me? It surprises me to hear that you worry about the same sorts of things. I have this perception in my mind, maybe mis-perception would be more accurate, that I only have these doubts because we are both new to this whole thing. I have this idea that people who have been in this lifetyle sometime must be able to skip right past all the angst. Maybe i want to believe that because it means that i just need a little time and i will be able to stop doubting. I guess i realize it’s not that simple. It is encouraging that you are able to let go of the doubts, i hope to learn to do that more easily.

  5. nilla November 21, 2010 at 1:26 pm #

    beautiful. You know i’m right there in the midst of that as i try to pick up the pieces of my relationship and see if it is fixable.

    sigh.

    why isn’t this easier?

    nilla

    • aisha November 21, 2010 at 1:46 pm #

      @’Nilla –

      Yeah. It sucks (not in a good way.) And –

      did you really ask me why it isn’t easier??? LOL

      in my world, “easy” is in the same category as “fair.” You can ask why it isn’t easy, but you already know the answer… i can hear my mama saying it,

      “Because life isn’t easy (or fair.) Did I ever tell you it was?”

      Um, no.

      But my fingers are crossed for you… and if I had pom-poms, I’d be shaking them and cheering…

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. aisha November 21, 2010 at 1:42 pm #

    @Greengirl –

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

    I don’t know – I think – maybe – something many submissives share, along with the desire to submit and to give – is anxiety about whether or not what we have to offer will be accepted. Which makes sense, if what we want to do is please. I think.

    Back when I was first exploring the whole idea of submission for real, I read in The Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex something like “The worst thing you can say to a submissive if that you were just having all that kinky sex to please her.” I think there’s some truth to that.

    There’s a whole ‘nother blog post there. Thanks.

    hugs,

    aisha

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