24 Nov

 Have i mentioned that Sir D is on vacation in a Carribean paradise with a close friend and partner, with whom he has a strong, emotionally intimate bond?  That it’s been about 10 days since i’ve seen Him?  And will be another 15 days until i do again? 

i couldn’t sleep last night.  Couldn’t go to sleep.  Finally nodded off about 2:00, only to wake at my usual time, a couple of hours later.

Lots of relationship angst floating around in my brain.  i started a long post about it, then decided i’m not quite clear-headed enough to write something i could post.  Probably need to talk to Sir D anyhow.  And don’t want to do that by e-mail, don’t much want to do it on the phone.  Don’t want to interrupt His frigging vacation in a Carribean paradise, heaven forbid i make that experience less pleasant for Him in any way.  (That’s me talking, not Him, ok?  Cause i’m a dumb-ass.)

And damn it – i can’t seem to quit writing about it, can i? 

i need to close myself off to Him. 

Ok, i’m stopping now. 

i’m ok.  i’ll be fine.  i’m just tired and sad.  Most of my family won’t be here for Thanksgiving.  i’ve had an emotionally difficult week in some ways in my vanilla world – not bad, just challenging.  i want…

Damn it, i can’t stop, can i?  And you have no idea how much i’m deleting.  

i have lots of support systems.  i’ll be fine.

 Mick, mabye some blues to go with this????

17 Responses to “Blues”

  1. Mick November 24, 2010 at 6:24 am #

    Will get on it…. but we could use a buffer guest at Thanksgiving….. it’s just a two hour drive….not like the two hour cruise in Gilligan’s Island…. at least I don’t think.

    • aisha November 24, 2010 at 6:42 am #

      Thanks, Mick, you are a sweetheart. Actually, I’ve got my younger daughter here, so we’ll have a lovely vegetarian Thanksgiving. It’s just – my sister and her family went to her husband’s family. My stepdaughter’s going to her new BF’s family. Her daughter, my granddaughter, is going to her Dad’s family. It’s the first time in – ever – that I haven’t been cooking turkey and all the trimmings and… yes, i’m just a little whiny. Thank you very, very much!!

  2. Mick November 24, 2010 at 6:31 am #

    Here’s one for you…. and I posted another one on FB….which may be more appropos.

  3. Mick November 24, 2010 at 6:32 am #

    Heck …. here’s the other one, since some of your readers can’t FB it:

    • aisha November 24, 2010 at 6:44 am #

      @Mick – really, you’re the best. i LOVE Janis. hugs, aisha

  4. The Beast November 24, 2010 at 7:25 am #

    Being away from the one you need truly sucks. The best you can do is take it day by day. Sometimes even that’s hard. *hugs* Hang in there.

    • aisha November 24, 2010 at 7:46 am #

      @The Beast – Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it – and I will. Hang in there that is…


  5. strivingforpeace November 24, 2010 at 8:01 am #

    I hate that

    I usually write out those angsty blog entries and just leave them unpublished. Somehow putting all of it into words helps

    Much like writing the long letter to someone and burning it

    it always seems to help.

    Really is to bad you can’t have a Collins Tgiving day — it sounds fun.

    email me if you want/need to talk


    • aisha November 24, 2010 at 8:21 am #

      Thanks, Sfp – the long version is in my drafts, waiting for me. {laughing} i may e-mail you tonight – thanks!


  6. sin November 24, 2010 at 8:38 am #

    Aisha, I’ve been looking for your email, thought I had it but can’t find it when I need it.

    He’s there with WHO? And you are blue? Gosh. Imagine that.

    What’s the deal with that?

    And you know I am the mistress of angsty posts, with 1000 more (longer more bitter versions) in my drafts that never saw the light of day.

    Email me if you want to chat.

    And listen, make Thanksgiving dinner what you need it to be, your kid can put up with turkey on the table if that’s what you need… seems silly but it might help a little. It does sound like you need to get a little bit of what YOU need this week.

    Big hug,

    • aisha November 24, 2010 at 9:02 am #

      @Sin – Thanks! I will e-mail you tonight.

      He’s there with a woman He was close to long before He ever met me, and who (He told me from the beginning) He’ll always think of as a close friend – family, really, – and I’m actually ok with that part of it. I mean, I don’t know if it’ll be a barrier to our relationship in the long run – but who knows anything, right?

      My real issue was more about the way He was handling the time and space distance between us.

      And if I suddenly sound more rational, it’ because He and i just talked… on the phone even. So i’m better.

      I’m ok with no turkey too actually – it’s getting to do the matriarchial hospitality thing and having the family together that I miss. But thanks for the understanding, and I think I will make sure I do some things for me.

      Thank you, Sin. Really.


  7. slave alisha November 24, 2010 at 10:15 am #

    Hi aisha,

    as you know I understand this. I am glad you talked and i hope that you re okay. I’m here if you need me. (IM, email, whatever it is) I know you have plenty of offers for that, lol, but im offering anyway. (grin)


    • aisha November 24, 2010 at 6:09 pm #

      Alisha – I appreciate your offer so much. Really. I know that you know….



  8. nilla November 24, 2010 at 10:53 am #

    i feel your pain, sweetie.

    i’m living that half-life, too.

    and yanno what? it fucking hurts. and it’s okay to fully feel it, and express it. We need. Rant all you want, we love you.


    • aisha November 24, 2010 at 6:10 pm #

      Thank you, ‘Nilla – yes. Um, I don’t even know what else to say, except Hugs back to you, and thank you!!


  9. sin November 24, 2010 at 5:41 pm #

    Aisha, I understand what you said about it being about the way he was handling the distance, essentially creating more distance than there needed to be. And you wondering if it was real or not real, caused by the other woman or not. It’s confusing.

    And of course being the sub, there’s no telling them they are doing it wrong is there?

    Do email me tonight.

    And on another note entirely, Mick is a clever man to know he could put youtube in comments isn’t he?

    • aisha November 24, 2010 at 6:18 pm #

      @Sin –

      Mick is downright brilliant!

      I”m probably going to blog more about this later but – I don’t think she – I’ll call her “S” – is “causing” it. i think – i’ll have to think some more about what i think!

      I will e-mail you.

      Thanks for the support. Really, really.


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