Happy Thanksgiving

25 Nov

i have to start with Happy Thanksgiving, of course.   Albert Schweitzer said: 

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”

And that’s how i feel about youall, my community of fellow bloggers, and people who read my stuff.    You help keep the flame within me lit, and i so appreciate you for that.

Now that i’ve calmed down from all the angst and emotional distress i was feeling the last couple of days, i need to step back and think about it.  And i’ll do it here, because i think we – we subgirls – share so much of this type of experience.   And often our Doms already know how we are, so –

i’m not ashamed of what i was feeling last night and yesterday morning.  It’s like Greengirl said, (not in these words, but I think she meant) there’s something about relationships in the lifestyle that amplify my emotions, make me feel – and act – insecure and unstable. 

{Laughing}  i want to wear a sign that says:  “Not Normally Like This!”

But – partly thanks to feeling like youall understood how i felt – i’m not ashamed of it today.  And, um, partly due to my Sir, of course, who i’m now feeling intensely positive about. 

So i have some things to lay out and sort through.

First – what i’m writing today is about me.  i need to figure out what i need to learn from my thoughts and feelings, my reactions, my choices.  If there are things for my Sir to ponder, that’s His to do.  

This post is not about His friend either.  i’ll call her “S.”  i’ve felt jealous of her, and i can’t accept that in myself.  Being jealous of her is harmful to me.   There can always be enough love and caring to go around.  

i’m glad that He loves her.  That tells me that He’s capable of loving.  i’m glad that He hasn’t pushed her aside for me.  That tells me He’s capable of loyalty, that He’s trustworthy.  i hope  she loves Him as well.

It’s not always easy to hold that perspective.  When it’s difficult, it’s because of my own insecurity, not because of her.   

It’s possible that the bond between them is too tight for me to have the space i need for a relationship with Sir.   i don’t know.  If that turns out to be the case, then i’ll move on –  dealing with it gently, i hope, and with love.    (And probably crying and whining, having tantrums and stamping my feet on here…)

 
 
 
 

This was titled "small temper tantrum." You may notice it's a child. Possibly, um, childish behavior.

 

But this post is not about my Sir or about His friend.  It’s about where i am.   The things i need to sort about myself.

I”m pretty good at connecting and loving, and i’m not so bad at detaching and leaving.   i’m pretty good at accepting people just the way they are and not trying to change them, and i’m not so bad at saying,”That won’t work for me,” and turning my back on them.  i don’t even have to be at either extreme – i can hover in the middle, not sure which way i’m going, for a really long time.  

i’m not so good at negotiating in the middle space.  At {sigh} asking for what i want.  Telling people what i need.  i’ve been working on getting better at that for a long time.   Asking for something for myself can give me that sick, scared feeling in my stomach.  It’s not so much fear of being turned down, of not getting what i want.  i’m afraid i’ll be shamed for asking, chastized for wanting, rejected for needing.

Yikes – where’s JM, the amazing analyst, when i need him?

{Laughing}

You know, i think personal growth happens in a spiral.  So, that’s not new information for me.  But it’s information i’m meeting again at a different ring in the spiral. 

 
 

This is actually called the cosmic heart spiral (but I don't know why...)

 

So it’s not new psychological ground for me to say that my mother taught me to be like The Little Red Hen “‘Then I will do it myself’, she said, and she did.”   Or that my father taught me that my ability to please him was only as good as tomorrow’s accomplishment. 

When i was married the first time, i actually did much better at negotiating and struggling to get my needs met and so on.  i learned a lot about how to do that – but not so much about succeeding at it.  So i left, after 16 years of pretty much beating my head against a wall.  Yes, we do marry our fathers.  And our mothers. 

And i promised myself never, ever to do that again.  Never to spend that much time trying to make a relationship work when i secretly knew it was doomed.  Never to let myself get in a situation where,  for a long time, leaving was not a good option.   Never to let a relationship be so unbalanced, like my first marriage was.     

Which might explain why my second marriage only lasted three years.  But that’s a story for a different day. 

Here’s my point.  (“About time,” you may be thinking)

Part of the responsiblity for my angst the other day is mine.  i was quick to decide he didn’t want to hear from me.  Yes, i built a good case for that – in my own head.  i didn’t ask Him.  i didn’t talk to Him.  i hinted, and hoped he’d respond the way i wanted Him to. 

When that didn’t happen, i began to withdraw.  And remember, i do that really well.  So i’m backing up rapidly, muttering to myself, “i don’t need this, i’m just fine by myself, He doesn’t want me anyhow…”

The problem is not that i felt that way.  i have a history of staying too long, of continuing to invest with very little return.  It’s ok for me to feel the way i feel.  It’s ok for me to look at protecting myself emotionally – we’re not in a heavily committed relationship.   If it doesn’t work for me over time, i will be backing out the door.

The problem is that i didn’t talk about it.  i didn’t call Him, even though i’d said i would.  By the time it was the day i’d said i would call, i’d convinced myself He didn’t want to hear from me.   i could have called, and said, “Hey, i almost didn’t call.  i’ve been thinking…” and told Him.  But i’d already withdrawn too much to even think about doing that.

And you know – ok – ding-ding-ding – here comes the moment of my personal insight. 

i talk about thinking He doesn’t want me, or doesn’t want to hear from me, and i act like that’s why i’m backing away.   That makes it sound like i need reassurance from Him maybe, doesn’t it? 

But that’s not it.  i’m not afraid that He doesn’t want me.

i’m afraid that He won’t be able, or won’t want, to give me what i need from a relationship.  AND –

here’s the big aha moment – if He can’t, or won’t, give me what i need in the relationship, then i secretly believe that proves there’s something basically wrong with me.  

Yep.  Hiding in the dark corner of my brain is the secret belief that if He doesn’t meet my relationship needs, it’s because there’s something dreadfully, basically, innately wrong with me. 

Whew.

Those aha moments are almost orgasmic  – the relief of dragging that out into the light of day.  NOW i can start to remind myself –

It wouldn’t mean that.  If what He offers in a relationship is not what i need, it doesn’t mean anything bad about either of us.

i know that, i know that, i know that!!! 

My head knows it, i have to remind my heart.  Over and over and over.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.  May your day be happy and filled with blessings too numerous to count.  Mine certainly is…

8 Responses to “Happy Thanksgiving”

  1. Mick November 25, 2010 at 7:58 am #

    Happy TG, Aisha. your ability to figure it out and explain it to the rest of us is a gift of great value….

  2. slave alisha November 25, 2010 at 9:03 am #

    omg i could have wrote so much of this. I understand aisha. so much. love you and im here for you always.

  3. Mick November 25, 2010 at 9:05 am #

    song for your quote

  4. sweek kk November 25, 2010 at 9:12 am #

    oh Aisha – i *so* get these feelings… really… but the way you have presented it is so on the mark… i wouldn’t have been able to put it into words quite so elegantly… just spot on! Thank you!

    Happy Thanksgiving to you!!

    kk

  5. strivingforpeace November 25, 2010 at 9:16 am #

    I hope you know what a gift you are to our little community

    I have felt so spun in the last day or so — and the calming touch of your email — and your blog is like a comforting hand on my shoulder that settles me.

    thank you for sharing your ‘aha’ moment

    it’s a wonderful thing

    hugs and love

    sfp

  6. aisha November 25, 2010 at 9:31 am #

    OMG, I love you all.

    Cause here’s the thing. I don’t know what I’m going to say til I write it. And I wouldn’t be writing it here if it weren’t for youall. Youall feed me – when you let me know that something I’ve said resonates with you, it feeds me, holds me, nurtures me. It helps me go deeper with it.

    So we’re all in it together, and I love you guys.

    Mick – fabulous music – thank you, thank you.

    lots of hugs,

    aisha

  7. nilla November 25, 2010 at 5:10 pm #

    Yes, my dear, you resonate, feed, and are there, for me as well.

    bright blessings on you and yours this Thanksgiving Day…

    nilla

    • aisha November 26, 2010 at 5:22 am #

      Love you, Nilla. aisha

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