Mundane

3 Dec

Sometime this weekend, i’ll hear a car door slam in my driveway, and He’ll be here.  My heart will beat faster.  i’ll smile to myself. 

i think i’m nervous.  It’s been a month since i’ve seen Him.  The last time He was here, it was the November munch, and Mick and Molly were here, and i was so excited i could hardly stand it.  Now those are just warm memories.  And i’m nervous.

i met Him in July.  The 18th of July – the last day of an art exhibit that i’d been involved in organizing.  The weekend had been full of events – poetry reading, a dance performance on Friday and Saturday nights, music, opportunities for people to create art, panel discussions, and films.

Good grief. i had forgotten what an amazing exhibit that was.

And then, Sunday night, when it was all over, and i could have been at home feeling – i don’t know what – let down, maybe, or just satisfied and content?  Well, instead i met Sir D for dinner.   He was the icing on the cake.  The gravy.

Dinner, and coffee, and a movie, and more dinner. 

It feels like ages ago.  Four and a half months.  My life has changed so much.  Munches and dungeons, ropes and fire… flying high.  Crashing hard. 

Tonight or tomorrow sometime, i’ll hear His car door close.  i’ll look out the window – He’ll be pulling His bags – His overnite bag, and maybe the toy bag – out of the trunk.  As i write this, i feel –

– an aching, longing. 

If i picture Him clearly in my mind, i shiver, my pussy clenches.  Really.  When i see Him in my mind, i feel drawn to Him.  It turns me on.  

And i feel sadness too today – maybe just some let-down from finishing “…and then.”  Can you get subdrop from a blog?  {laughing}  i don’t know.  Maybe.  For days, i’ve been waking up ready to write the next installment – excited about getting started.  Today feels blah.  Mundane. 

Not knowing if He’ll be here tonight or tomorrow may be a little blues-y.  It feels like i’ve waited for ever already.  (i know, i haven’t.)  

And  – i almost feel like – like i don’t know Him anymore?.   i know that’s not true.  In the couple of days He’s been home, we’ve talked.  He’s begun to draw me closer to Him again.  And i’m happy He’s coming down.   Very glad.

And part of me is holding back.  Like i don’t know what to expect, or how i’ll feel. 

i want Him to – i don’t know.  i don’t know what i need.  Maybe – 

In my fantasy, i felt so close to Him.   Even though it was a fantasy, and so it wasn’t actually “Him,” somehow it helped link me to Him. 

Today, i know it was just a fantasy, and it’s finished.  The link it created – the link was all in my own head.  He liked the posts, i know that, and that is a little connection, but the fantasy was all me.  It helped get me through the time He was away.  It was fun.  And none of it happened.

That link is not between us – it exists only in my mind.

You know, {laughing} sometimes i’ve done that with relationships too.  Projection, we call it. i’ve projected my own fantasies onto whoever i was with, and then been surprised to wake up and discover i was with a stranger.  

We all do that to some extent.  We can only imagine what we know, so when people behave in certain ways, we make up reasons for it.  Our own reasons, because that’s what we know.   

Here’s an example.  If i see someone step carefully around a bug, i might think, “what a respect for life – what a caring person – he didn’t even want to kill that bug.”   But maybe he just doesn’t like the feeling of a bug crunching under his shoe.   Maybe he doesn’t care at all.

If i hold on to the belief that he’s so caring, and try to explain all his behavior around that belief, i could be seriously deluded.  Not his fault.  My own blindness.  It’s like i made up a person, and was surprised when it turned out not to be him.

Sir and i have only known each other 4 and 1/2 months.  The last month of that, we’ve been apart.  We’ve been together less than a dozen times.  i love being with Him when He’s here.  i think about Him, write about Him,  fantasize about Him when He’s gone. 

i know that He feels something for me when He’s here.  i have no idea what He thinks or feels about me once He drives away.   i know what i hope, what i’d like, what i imagine.  i have no idea what is.   

And today, i’m acutely aware of that.   

Sigh.

i want.

i want Him to take me,

                 to pull me closer,

                                                to make me feel like i’m His. 

i want to – feel safe.  i want to feel safe serving Him, i want to kneel at His feet and feel like i belong there.   To feel assured that He wants me there – me.  That He sees me.

You know, collectively, submissive women may be a dime-a-dozen.  But indivdually, we’re not.  

i’m not. 

i know that…

14 Responses to “Mundane”

  1. thesubmissivebf December 3, 2010 at 7:16 am #

    Projection is one of my biggest downfalls. The sad part is I know but I still do it, every freaking time. Definition of insanity – doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result (Me).

    • aisha December 3, 2010 at 7:22 am #

      @submissivebf –

      It’s the downfall of us all!!! We can’t help doing it. The goal is to recognize when we’re doing it, and, eventually, to withdraw the projection. That’s when we find ourselves looking at the person we’re with and thinking, “Who are you?” And then we figure out where to go from there.

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. sin December 3, 2010 at 7:24 am #

    I exêct that he knows you (we?) aren’t a dime a dozen. After all, he has experience at this.

    • aisha December 3, 2010 at 7:26 am #

      Oh. Yeah, I guess He does. Maybe it is me that needs to know it? 🙂

      Thanks, Sin.

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. strivingforpeace December 3, 2010 at 8:13 am #

    ::swatting away all those stomach butterflies::

    You two are still at your beginning — and since you’re not together all the time — it’s natural to project all the things you need to — to fill in the spaces.

    enjoy each other

    (and take copious notes — you’re being Dommed for two you know!)

    sfp

    • aisha December 3, 2010 at 8:31 am #

      @Sfp – Thanks – you made me laugh, and that feels really good. And you’re right. I just need to breathe, don’t I? Damn, I hate when I forget that…

      hugs,

      aisha

  4. nilla December 3, 2010 at 8:58 am #

    So much of this resonated so intensely for me. You know my blog is 99.9 % fantasy. Some, mine, some the fantasy of others, that they bring to me…or i feed off..or…projection i guess, it into a yarn, a dream, a hotness.

    my relationship with Sir B is somewhat like that. my projection of how i want Him to be, and a ton of how being with Him makes me feel. 14 months of relationship…only physical since January, and of these 12 months, we’ve had sex dates…um…6 times. Gawd.

    You know i have been struggling in this relationship these last few months, and i find myself pulling down those projections and finding a man, flawed, but still caring, beneath.

    it’s very hard when the fantasy ends, the lights come up, and reality pours in.

    love, light, and car door slamming in your driveway, sister.

    nilla

    • aisha December 3, 2010 at 9:18 am #

      @’Nilla –

      Yes.

      And I do know that this is just part of a relationship – any relationship. It’s like I”m trying to go from Chapter 2 to the end of the story and see how it turns out.

      Sigh.

      I don’t suppose we get to do that. Probably just as well, right?

      Thanks for the good wishes – I’ll take all the love and light you can send my way…

      aisha

      • vanillamom December 3, 2010 at 9:31 am #

        i like that…like we’re trying to see the end of the story first…verrrrrrry true. And so full of wants and needs…and that’s as normal as normal can be. Vanilla or chocolate or swirled, we, each of us, has needs that we hope can be met in some form or other.

        And mayhap we expect more from a D/s relationship coz it’s all just out there, if we’re in an honest and open relationship.

        it’s one of the things that drew me into the lifestyle, to be honest about it…that openness…and don’t i go and fall back into that fucking hole in the sidewalk and become passive (which i do not relate to being ‘submissive’)…and got things…no, not things, myself. got myself in a stew.

        and looking for the end of the story? Maybe *smiles*…or maybe just looking for the path to get there…

        nilla

  5. slave alisha December 3, 2010 at 9:26 am #

    Aisha, never has a post echoed what I feel or what I do more than this one. M and I have known each other for 5 weeks and 1 day. We have not met in person, yet there are all these emotions and feelings… and I wonder the same thing…

    When we don’t talk I miss him, think about him, fantasize about him… and that question as to what HE feels when we don’t talk… it has more than once made my heart ache. Hugs…

    miss you!

    alisha

    • aisha December 3, 2010 at 10:15 am #

      @Alisha,

      I’m glad it touched you – or at least connected with you. And – omg – I just ran over to get a little bit caught up on your blog and –

      – you’re planning on getting a horse!?????

      – and looking for somthing to replace the clit sucking toy that didn’t work right?

      – and getting unexpected and pleasurable phone calls –

      and you sound like you’re having so much fun, I love it!!!

      Even with all that “what’s he thinking when I’m not around…” you sound really happy, and I’m soooooo glad for you!

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. aisha December 3, 2010 at 10:28 am #

    @’Nilla,

    I think you’re right – all the honesty and openness does increase my expectations of being – secure, maybe? And that’s not realistic, or even reasonable.

    Ok, so once again youall help me think through my stuff…

    What would I do without youall????

    thanks,

    aisha

  7. Mick December 3, 2010 at 4:09 pm #

    Hey, I started this this am, and was rudely interrupted by a daughter who forgot her backpack, requiring me to deliver it to school for her. I guess she was projecting the helpful father, testing to see if I was really there…. and as it turned out, i was.

    But regardless…. I think we all do the projection thing, and have it done to us. It’s a miracle when we actually live up to expectations,,,, or when the person we are projecting turns out to be somewhere close to the neighborhood of where we placed them.

    Then again, isn’t it also good and surprising when it turns out the the person we made up is a little more unique than we might have projected?

    Hope you and D have a great and successful reunion, and that he surprises you by stepping out of the shadow of your projection.

    Mick

    • aisha December 4, 2010 at 5:19 am #

      Hey, Mick –

      What a great response! Of course you’re right. And of course it gets into that whole sticky area where you think your parents are God, only they’re not, and it must be my fault…

      Thanks for the good wishes too!

      aisha

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