Feeling Foolish

8 Dec

Not much time to blog this morning – got to be at  work early.  i don’t have time to write the post i’d originally planned, so i’ll just share some quick thoughts.  

Last night, i was talking to Sir and He pointed out that my story yesterday had referenced His conversation with the gentleman at the munch, but not what they’d been talking about.  That threw me for a minute.  He had to remind me that the context of the statement about communication was “topping from the botton.” 

Once He said it, i realized He was right, and that some part of my brain did know that.   And that’s not really important, although it led us to talk about that concept – topping from the bottom – which He doesn’t believe in, because  the top always has the choice.   

His sense of security with being the Dom is reassuring and comfortable for me.  i appreciate it, and {smiles} writing about it makes my pussy twitch.  i’ll never have to worry about topping from the bottom, because He won’t let it happen.  

But what amazes me is how – oblivious i can be around Him.  i started to say “how stupid i can be.”  i’m philosophically opposed to calling myself names, you know, but really.  i miss things.  And i don’t think i’m normally obtuse.  But – for example –

We got in His car Saturday afternoon.  It had snowed a little bit; there was snow on His windshield.  I put my purse on the floor and started to buckle my seatbelt.  He said, “Hand me that brush, please,” gesturing slightly toward the floor on my side of the car.     

i thought, “What does He want a brush for?”  Baffled, i reached for my purse, getting ready to hand him my hairbrush –

     – when of course He meant the big black windshield brush and ice scraper right there on the floor under my purse.

Of course, when i moved my purse, He could reach it, and He did, but i was oblivious to it even being there. 

And that wasn’t a big deal, of course.  But that’s just one small example.  The other night, He asked me to help Him put some rope away.  So i’m happily coiling the rope when He says, “Are you starting with the two ends and looping it like i showed you?”  Or something like that. 

And i say, all in a little panic, “No!  i don’t know what you mean!  You didn’t show me…”  and so He shows me how to fold it over and start with the two ends and then make a loop and pull it taut at the end.  But later i think that maybe He did already show me that, and i just didn’t remember.

So sometimes i’m oblivious, and i forget stuff, and – the other day, we were at the dungeon, it must have been the Friday night munch, which was there this month.   So all the lights are on and we aren’t in the middle of a scene or even building up to one or still buzzed from one.  

“i’m going to the bathroom,” i tell Him quietly, and i walk to the little hallway where the bathrooms are.  There are two little hallways – one of them has bathrooms and a dressing room off it, and i don’t know what’s in the rooms off the other hallway.

So both the bathroom doors are closed – they’re both unisex – and i’m standing there waiting.  Then – suddenly there’s Sir, who says, “What are you doing?”  and i say, “Waiting for the bathroom?” and He says, “Are both the ones on the other side in use?” and i realize i’m in the wrong hallway all together.

Granted, i get lost easy.  We know this.  But really.   How could i not notice it was the wrong hallway?  And He’s perfectly sweet about it, and doesn’t make me feel stupid-er than i already feel.  Which i appreciate – thank you, Sir.  In fact, He makes me feel taken care of (how long would i have stood there otherwise?)

But still.  i feel fumbling and foolish around Him much more than around anyone else i know.  What’s that about???? 

Maybe – maybe it’s like i used to say about my girls when they were teenagers.  i used to say that the horomones raging through their brains actually interupted their ability to think.  That when their brain synapses would normally have been making connections, the hormones put up huge blockades and wouldn’t let the brain waves through.  The hormones would scream:  STOP!  NO thinking allowed here!  Hormones at work!!!!

Maybe that’s the story with me.  Can i blame Him for this?  Remember when i was just thinking about Him and couldn’t even find my way to the grocery store? 

Yeah, that’s what i’m saying.  {Laughing}  i’m pretty sure it’s His fault i get stupid around Him.

And somehow, it’s still ok.  It’s humbling – particularly since i’m a recovering perfectionist.  But maybe it’s good for me.  It – i don’t know how to explain it exactly.  It makes me feel foolish, and i don’t like that, and

                              and-

it makes me feel more real, more human, less – less like i have to be perfect to be ok.  

Yikes. 

That’s pretty amazing, isn’t it?

8 Responses to “Feeling Foolish”

  1. sweek kk December 8, 2010 at 6:22 am #

    i’m like this in Sir’s presence often too… and it’s not unlike when i visit my parents… even to this day…

    somehow, i go into a form of autopilot and find some of the most mundane things elude me… but it’s when i know that i am most relaxed… i’ve handed the reins over… and i am safe.

    yes, there is a voice deep down that is sort of confounded by my forgetfulness/ airheaded-ness, but i ignore it because it’s how i know i’m truly trusting… and truly happy.

    screw perfection anyway… it’s totally overrated 🙂

    kk

    • aisha December 8, 2010 at 7:35 am #

      Thanks, KK – nice to know it’s not just me!

      I like your perspective – and think you’re right. It does have a lot to do with trust and feeling safe. And yeah – perfection’s a flawed concept!

      aisha

  2. strivingforpeace December 8, 2010 at 6:39 am #

    it’s good to feel comfortable enough around someone that it doesn’t matter

    good for you

    sfp

  3. nilla December 8, 2010 at 6:43 am #

    when i realized i couldn’t be perfect i went through a period when i just stopped trying. Anything.

    nothing new.
    nothing exciting.
    (can you imagine what would have happened if i’d stayed that course? *shudders*)

    then i realized it just meant i had to try for my “personal best”…and life has been amazingly happy.

    and when i am with my Sir…

    it’s like i took stoopid pills.

    *nods*

    it IS them. (laughs)

    or rather, how they affect us. i’m going with your hormone theory.

    i *like* it!!

    nilla
    *smiling*

  4. aisha December 8, 2010 at 7:40 am #

    @Sfp – Yes. Thanks!

    @’Nilla – You too? Man… yep, no doubt it’s them. Nice to let go of perfectionsim.

    It occurred to me part way through this that if JM, the amazing analyst, were here, he might say something to me that would subtly remind me that the only thing my Dad really valued about me was that I was smart and then I’d have this big aha moment and realize on a whole deeper level just how valuable it is to get to feel stupid and still be ok…

    hugs,

    aisha

  5. Mick December 8, 2010 at 1:31 pm #

    It could just be a girl thing, you know…. I never get lost in the grocery store, or even in a dungeon. Guys have a better sense of direction.

    • aisha December 8, 2010 at 8:01 pm #

      @Mick – Some guys do, for sure not all. If it were just directions, I’d agree – I’m notorious for getting lost. But it’s not just that. Besides. What ‘Nilla said.

      aisha

  6. nilla December 8, 2010 at 2:04 pm #

    @ mick…with two notable exceptions, i have an excellent sense of direction. and i can make a “compass” with two sticks …

    if i drive someplace once i remember how to get back there.

    now if only i remembered where my car keys are….

    n

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