New Limits

9 Dec
“One extends one’s limits only by exceeding them.”  ~~ M. Scott Peck
 
 
We went out to eat Saturday night, some lovely Thai food , and then we went to the munch.  It was in the basement under a bar this month – the venue we’d been using didn’t keep their commitment to us, so Mr. Michael had to scramble around and find someplace at the last minute.   
 
The munch used to meet regularly in this basement space once upon a time, so it was a little nostalgic for Sir D and other old-timers.  The rest of us were just glad to have somewhere to meet.
 
Of course the party was held in our dungeon, and we headed there after the munch.  A bunch of people went upstairs and had drinks first though.  So there weren’t a lot of people at the play party right off – and no one was actually playing.  Sir and i kept wandering from room to room, but nothing much was going on anywhere. 
 
It was – um, it was almost kind of boring.   Occasionally, Sir actually said, “Ho hum.”  And i was almost afraid we’d  leave.  But instead –
 
– He decided we’d play!
 
So He got out the ropes, and i took off my clothes.  i was delighted, of course, and loved it.  The energy was different than last time – maybe more fun and a little less intense?  I don’t know – it would be hard to capture the difference exactly.  For sure, it wasn’t a better/worse kind of comparison, but it was – different.  Of course.
 
i loved it.  And i think i’m not giving it the attention it deserves, but there is more to tell after – that’s on my mind today.    
 
After – after i was dressed again, and still glowing and buzzed, after the ropes were put away – Sir said, “Do you mind if I suspend someone else?” 
 
i could feel Him wanting to.
 
So of course i said, “No, go ahead.”  
 
Even though just last month the very idea left me feeling devestated.   But i was ok with it –
 
– at first.  And then –
 
as i watched Him getting rope back out, and –
 
– the woman we know from another part of the state and her Dom came over to Sir and – she is absolutely beautiful, and has an amazing hourglass figure and she took off her clothes and was stretching –
 
                                                 – then –
 
– i felt old and sad and lonely.  There were tears in my eyes, and i didn’t want anyone to know, so i went upstairs.  i could still watch if i wanted to, from the balcony, and i did for a while.  But i felt –
        
                         – you know.   Sad and lonesome and not good enough.  And i was NOT going to cry.
 
So i sit on the stairs for a while, where no one can see me unless they happen to walk up them.  And i think.  And think.
 
Last month, at least three women sort of threw themselves at Sir and asked to be suspended.  And at least two men asked Him to suspend the women they were with.   He turned them all down that night – at least partly because He knew i couldn’t handle it. 
 
Do i expect Him to turn down everyone?   forever?
 
i sit and think.
 
He loves doing rope.  i know that.  And at least He’s suspending J, who i know and like, and who i think likes me – unlike some of the women from last month, who looked through me as if i weren’t there.  
 
i think –
 
              – Why am i being so jealous hearted?
 
My heart says:   “Because  –
 
– Because  i don’t want Him to feel connected to other women the way He connects with me – i want to be ‘the special one.’  i want what we have to be special.  i don’t want Him to feel that with other women.”   And for a moment, it feels like my heart is  breaking.
 
And then – sitting there in the almost dark – i realize –
 
                                                it’s ok –
 
        it can’t be the same with them.  Even if He felt the same (and i don’t think He does) but –
 
even if He did –
 
                             they don’t.  They don’t feel the way i do about Him.
 
And maybe i’m wrong.  You know, i don’t know them all, so maybe i’m wrong.  But i think that they want the thrill of being tied up and flying – and i get that.   For sure, i don’t blame them.  It is wonderful, and Sir has a gift for doing it.
 
But i want to be with Him.  Whether He’s tying me up and making me fly, or walking around the dungeon, occasionally saying, “Ho hum,” i want to be with Him.   i don’t even know if He knows that or not – but that’s what makes me different from “them.”  And i know it.
 
So i go back and watch.  It is kind of fun to watch Him, the beauty of it, even from the outside.  It’s still not easy, but i’m ok.
 
Then she is up – she’s flying – and happy, and loving it.  Sir gestures to her Dom to come closer – to get under her, to get under her on the blanket on the floor.   So they can play while she flies.
 
And Sir comes over to me, where i’m sitting, and pulls me up to Him.  He holds me close, and kisses me, and then i’m really ok.   Really ok, all the way through.
 
He has a gift, and some serious  skills, and He needs to share them.  i don’t know if it will always be comfortable for me, but He always needs to be who He is.
 
So i watch Him take J down – she is clearly having so much fun, and He is too, really.  When she’s down – He picks up a length of rope –
 
 
– and crosses the room to me – wraps the rope half way ’round my neck – circles it around my waist – and pulls me over with Him, under the suspension frame.   Standing in the middle of discarded pieces of rope, He kisses me thoroughly, taking my breath and leaving me smiling. 
 
Then He says,
 
                         with His most charming grin,
 
                                                       “Help me clean this mess up?”
 
i’m delighted to help Him coil the rope, and i learn the right way to do it –
 
               and all is well and right in my world.
 

18 Responses to “New Limits”

  1. Mick December 9, 2010 at 5:46 am #

    “old timer”…. hmmmm. that could get Aisha in trouble.

    But on the substance here…. I could tell that D is a master at what he does, and noticed when we were there that night that some folks were interested in having him share his skills. Both Mistress and I both agreed that was was going on there at that level was something other than sexual….

    I know it may be hard to comprehend when you feel so connected to him, but on those ocassions D is just being an artist doing what artists do….

    • aisha December 9, 2010 at 5:59 am #

      @Mick –

      O, that was “old timer” in the most – um – respectful! way… i’m sure Sir knows that!

      And yes, of course you’re right, it’s not sexual in the “having sex” kind of way. It is incredibly sensual though, and deeply sexual in a Thomas More “Soul of Sex” kind of way.

      And yes, it is an exercise in His art for Him.

      Thanks, Mick.

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. strivingforpeace December 9, 2010 at 7:00 am #

    Thank you for sharing this — these moments when we feel so raw — it’s a hard thing to share.

    I really respect your ability to do that — it’s important – because outside all the trappings of ttwd — we’re just people trying to build and sustain connections

    I’m glad you came full circle.

    love and hugs

    sfp

    • aisha December 9, 2010 at 7:28 am #

      Thank you, Sfp

      – you know, the blogging community and – well, you – have become so important to me – I feel so much support – not just directly on here, although I love that, but just from reading OPBs and knowing that you’re struggling and growing too.

      AND – I could have used my FB quote today on here too, couldn’t I?

      “A genuine odyssey is not about piling up experiences. It is a deeply felt, risky, unpredictable tour of the soul. ”
      ~~Thomas Moore

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. sin December 9, 2010 at 8:42 am #

    I think you need to talk to him about jealousy. He seems to expect you to just deal. And you try but really you don’t just deal with it with no trouble. It’s important to you. It’s a struggle and he should know that, if you want to be honest with him.

    • aisha December 9, 2010 at 2:32 pm #

      @Sin –

      I’ve been thinking about your comment a lot – and I appreciate that it makes me take a step back and ponder.

      I don’t know if He expects me to “just deal.” I guess I expect me to though. I guess I do think this is my struggle, and that there’s not a whole lot He can do to help. I think jealousy is more my problem than His. Even if he tries to reassure me – that’s not likely to help.

      What He did that night – both of the times that He came to me and kissed me – and having me help HIm put the rope away – made me feel better than anything He could have said.

      He reads my blog, so He already knows when i struggle, and i’m not that good at hiding my feelings anyhow.

      BUT I can’t just dismiss what you say, because this might be one of those times when I’m being all DIY instead of asking for help…and one of my goals is to learn to ask. So, I’m still pondering.

      Thanks, Sin.

      hugs,

      aisha

  4. sweek kk December 9, 2010 at 8:58 am #

    this hits too close to home for me to comment… but i want to… but i can’t 😦

    • aisha December 9, 2010 at 2:23 pm #

      @Sweet KK – Hugs – lots of hugs for you! E-mail me if you want to… aisha

  5. nilla December 9, 2010 at 12:43 pm #

    oh, i love this.

    the conflicting desires…the raw need..the breaking of your heart, just a little…you felt it…and then…

    your heart stretched. Broke a bit, to allow growth to happen…a bit painful, but…you did it.

    HUGGGGG

    i am so so happy for you. Srsly. Proud of you. You are beautiful. You are funny, and witty, and wise and if those other gals turn up their noses, it could be that they are so freaking uber jealous…

    i love you sweetie, and your Sir…well, he’s got you tied up in all sorts of ways, doesn’t he?

    *smiles*

    nilla

    • aisha December 9, 2010 at 2:55 pm #

      Thanks, ‘Nilla –

      Yeah. I think you’re right – I mean, I guess that is what happened. And yeah, it is a good thing, isn’t it?

      Damn, this personal growth stuff is hard though. 🙂

      And I love you too, Ms. ‘Nilla – thanks for the support – and yes, He’s apparently got me all frigging tied up! {laughing}

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. strivingforpeace December 9, 2010 at 9:38 pm #

    Great new look for the site – easier to read!

  7. nilla December 9, 2010 at 9:42 pm #

    oh me too! love the new look! (what is in the air of late? i changed the look over at my snow blog too!)

    hug,

    n

  8. aisha December 10, 2010 at 4:08 am #

    @Sfp and ‘Nilla – Thanks! It was time for a change…
    I’m glad you like the new look!

    aisha

  9. kellyred December 10, 2010 at 1:22 pm #

    I instantly connected with this post. I could feel the “old, sad, and lonely”. I have sat in a room full of people and felt just so. I’m glad you were able to think yourself through it to a better place. I do think sfp is correct, you should discuss the jealousy with Him. I’m an inverterate DIYer who also is learning to ask for help. It’s damn hard sometimes.

    • aisha December 10, 2010 at 10:27 pm #

      Thanks, Kelly –

      It does help to know that other people can relate. And you’re right – I did need to talk to Him about it, and have now. So that’s good.

      Yeah – the DIY stuff is really, really good sometimes, and sometimes it gets in the way and is hard to get over doing. Again, it’s nice to know that other people are working on figuring out how to deal with it too!

      Thanks,

      aisha

  10. kellyred December 10, 2010 at 1:24 pm #

    And can be damn hard to tell the difference between the times you should DIY and when you need to ask for help.

  11. yesthankyousir December 12, 2010 at 9:34 pm #

    Hey there, my first comment to you because im just reaching out past the nilla and Jade sphere. 🙂 I am very fearful that when my fella gets home I’m going to face some jealousy issues. He’s been in the local scene for a while and all the ladies love him. (And why shouldn’t they I do) He is also a master at his craft and while I’ve told him before I would be excited to see him provide someone with his service…. It makes me a bit nervous. I am glad you found it in yourself to enjoy watching him. I only hope I can do the same.

    • aisha December 13, 2010 at 5:15 am #

      @yesthankyousir – Thanks so much for reading and for commenting! It’s nice to hear from someone else who’s gonna be in the same boat!

      I just discovered your blog – will have to go read it… Feel free to e-mail me if you ever want to compare notes privately.

      aisha

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