To Teach and To Learn

10 Dec

When i kneel in front of Him, take His cock in my mouth – that is the easy part of the relationship.   It’s pure pleasure.  His taste, the feel of Him in my mouth, focusing my attention just there… yes.  Sliding my tongue over Him, the caress of my lips, taking Him into my mouth – cock worship lets me express my feelings readily.  Few words and no second guessing myself involved.  That’s easy. 

i’ve been reading Ms. Constance on fetlife – her definitions of BDSM concepts, thoughts about relationships, and so on.    It’s interesting.  She says:

“I had a conversation recently about the importance of vision for a dominant. I use the term in this context as the ability to look at a submissive and see what improvements should be made, to see what should be cut away and how the remaining facets can be polished.”

i had not thought about my relationship with Sir D in that light – and am still not completely sure that it applies to us.  She says:

“I believe training a submissive involves teaching them to be more pleasing, either to me or in general, and it’s specific to each submissive as well as to each dominant.”

i am curious about how that applies – if it applies – to Sir and me.  Last weekend, He told me not to make the coffee so strong, and i’ll remember that.  Is that training me?  i suppose it is, but it feels awfully mundane.  Vanilla.  Yet it is exactly what Ms. Constance means – and surely not all she means.

i’m dancing around what’s on my mind.

Last night, Sir pointed out something i’d done that wasn’t helpful to our relationship.  It doesn’t matter what it was – trust me, He had an excellent point.  He was gentle about it.  Straight-forward.  He sounded disappointed maybe, rather than angry.

i’m very glad He said something.  Even though i regretted not having done it differently, it was enlightening and helpful to discover that He felt the way He did about it.  I wouldn’t have known that if i hadn’t made the mistake first, and if He hadn’t corrected me.

And it made me think about what i learn from Him.  i told Him – and maybe He was uncomfortable with it – that i think He is the first person i’ve been in a relationship with that i actually believed had things to teach me about being in relationship.  NOT that i haven’t learned from everyone i’ve ever known – i have, absolutely, i have.  

So then it sounds wrong, to say He’s a first, and maybe i need to back-pedal some more, but hang with me a minute first.  Let me try to explain.  To myself, as much as to you.

Ok.   Maybe it’s this.  In previous relationships, for the most part, if the other person pointed out something i’d done that they thought was not good for the relationship, it was something that inconvenienced or bothered him.  The house wasn’t clean enough.  i should sit down and watch TV with him rather than doing the dishes.   i was working too much.  We needed more money.  

Do you see what i’m saying?  Whatever he was saying reflected what he wanted at that moment.  i couldn’t trust him to think about the relationship – he thought about what he wanted.  It was up to me to figure out what i needed, what i could give, and what the relationship needed.

Hmmmm – maybe it’s as simple as not having been with anyone who thought about the relationship between us as being an entity in itself.  i don’t know, put that on hold for a minute.  Look at what else Ms. Constance says:

“If, as a submissive, you believe yourself to be the equal of your Master or Mistress, then why are you on your knees in front of them? Why do you, if you believe your intellect, emotions, judgment, and opinions in every way are equal, then why on earth would you accept that intellect, emotions, judgment and opinions over your own?”


“You should want to kneel because you believe this person in front of you is more than you are, is an amazing being who inspires a certain amount of awe in you, who is, in fact, capable of doing things that you are not able or willing to do. As a dominant, I may think the same thing, that this is an incredible person who can give this to me, who can kneel in front of me and trust me with their lives, but that isn’t the same thing as believing the two of you are equal within a D/s relationship.”

Whew.  Interesting stuff, isn’t it?  i am a lot quicker to kneel and pleasure Him with my mouth than i am to see Him as “more” than i am.  And yet-

In balance – in harmony  –

When i talked to Him of this last night, just the recognition that He can teach me about being in relationship, He handed it back to me.  He said that He believed He could learn from me too, or He wouldn’t be in the relationship.  And i hear that, and appreciate it.

But – o, there it is – the aha moment!  i think it’s a learn/teach difference.  i’ve learned – gained knowledge and skills – from everyone i’ve been in any kind of relationship with.  But in my intimate relationships with men, it is a rarity to discover that He has things to teach me – to impart skills or knowledge to me – about being in relationship. 

Does that make sense?  Well, it does to me, and that’s what matters, right? 

It’s not just that i can learn from Him, it is also that He has things to teach me.  i think – my fantasy is – that He takes my awe with a grain of salt so He doesn’t become over-inflated, but still… it’s there – my sense of – yikes – looking up to Him.

You have no idea how odd that feels to me.  And how right.  And, just to bring this full circle, you know it makes me want to –

Kneel before Him, rest my head on His leg.  He strokes my head, tugs on my hair, which makes my pussy twitch  and throb.  Makes me feel soooo submissive.  He allows me to unbuckle His belt, unzip His jeans and…

… free His cock from the confines of His pants – stroke it against my face, my cheek.  Bring it to my lips, touch it with the tip of my tongue.  Tentative – i lick lightly, then more firmly, caressing with my tongue, swirling it over and around the head of His cock.  Feeling Him swell, responding with pleasure, til i can no longer contain Him in my mouth.

i circle the base of His cock with my hand.   Holding Him firmly, my hand and mouth work together, sliding up and down…


10 Responses to “To Teach and To Learn”

  1. Mick December 10, 2010 at 6:23 am #

    Like your blog renovation, Aisha…..

    It may take me a while to process the rest, but thoughtful and incisive as ever….

    • aisha December 10, 2010 at 6:28 am #

      Thanks, Mick – it was time for a change.

      And thanks – I guess it was. Just – stuff to think about…


  2. sin December 10, 2010 at 9:20 am #

    I do not think He is better than me. Not smarter. Not more. There are things he is better at than I am. But it’s not about that.

    • aisha December 10, 2010 at 9:28 am #

      Yes – I hear you and I think I mostly agree. Not better than. Not “worth more.” But then why does he get to be dominant? Why do we give them that power? I TOTALLY don’t think He has more value than I do, and Ms. Constance isn’t saying that either. But – why would we give that power to someone if they don’t have something “more?”

  3. nilla December 10, 2010 at 1:09 pm #

    i’ve read this post twice now and think i will read it many more times to fully internalize this.

    i have been struggling, as you know, in my D/s relationship. What you have quoted here from Ms. Constance exactly, totally sums up where my relationship is wrong.

    No, that’s not right.

    How my relationship is wrong …for me.

    that’s more truthful. He isn’t into changing, carving, shaping me into something he wants. For us it is, simply, fucking.

    That’s cold and hard and black and white.

    *i* want to be molded into what he wants. And that is what i got from F that filled me so much. And what i miss most about the ending of that relationship tho we remain friends.

    i think of the many times i’ve said to Sir B…”what do YOU want, Sir” and been told…’you’re *fine*”…

    That should make me happy, right? But i haven’t felt challenged, or connected or even “His” for so long.

    and maybe it’s just that we’ve been apart for two months and He really doesn’t have time for me. That sucks.

    Hmpf. I’m going off to pout and write.

    Writing helps.

    You help.

    Thank you for the clarity i find every time i read here.


    • aisha December 10, 2010 at 10:01 pm #

      Thank you, ‘Nilla – I’m glad this was relevant for you. I get what you’re saying about your relationship with Sir B – and I’m sorry that it doesn’t look like it can be what you need.

      I think there’s something positive about figuring out what you want though… at least I hope so. Hope your “pout and write” session helps too!



  4. blue December 10, 2010 at 8:04 pm #

    I’m intrigued by this post, the training, the “more than” that Ms. Constance talks about. I will have to do more reading and think about this. Thank you!

    • aisha December 10, 2010 at 10:03 pm #

      Thank you, blue, for reading and for taking the time to comment! Glad you thought it was interesting. Stop in again anytime!


  5. greengirl December 11, 2010 at 9:43 am #

    You know woman, when you write a post – you really write about 6. I sometimes hate that my everyday life intereferes with my blogging/thinking/responding life – so I’m sorry to be late to the party here. There was a lot to think about here.

    His training me to be more pleasing: I don’t know about pleasing to the rest of the worid, but I do want to be more pleasing to him – that is a big part of why this works – it gives him a structure that makes it ok to tell me how he would like me to be – and i to ask and do just that.

    The focus on the needs of the entity of the relationship: i think he always was pretty good at that – i am the one who didnt quite know how to do that – I would do things that were for him – either happily or resentfully – or for me – again – sometimes comfortably – often not – but had no conceptualization of the relationship as the goal. This has been a really good aspect of all this too.

    The equality thing: i am really wrestling with all that – but it is something we have defined for us – he has no interest in us being unequal – more correctly – he views us as equals and is adamantly opposed to me viewing us any other way – so i have been “ordered” to see us this way – so i must – [see the terribly twisted circles of logic here?] yet somehow we are forging a full time D/s construct that works and touches all parts of our relationship and is not internally inconsistant – just don’t ask me to explain it!

    And I do feel awe and respect and admiration and wanting to please and to do – for him – all those things. I think he would say that he feels those thigns for me too – expressed often much differently though.

    Teach and learn – is very complex – you can never teach if the student does not want to and engage in trying to learn. Sometimes learning happens if no teaching was intended, but teaching can’t happen without the participation of the learner.

    Thank you for this post. These are all important things that we need to define for ourselves.

    • aisha December 11, 2010 at 5:51 pm #

      Dear GG –

      Thank you for this comment!! It’s nice – and interesting – to hear your thoughts and reflections coming back this way. Well worth waiting for.

      Neat that the relationship grows and incorporates all of – I don’t know – the dynamic? in a way that works for you both. I agree about the equality – it’s not about one being better than or more valuable, it’s really not. And yet – somehow I think there needs to be some “more” element?? I don’t know. Yeah – I start going in circles too. If “he” says we’re equal then we have to believe it, and yes, that’s funny.

      Mutual respect and valuing – there does have to be that. And in her journal entry, Ms. Constance says that too, for sure.

      Good point on “teach and learn.” Yeah. And a lot to process in your comment!

      Thank you – with hugs,


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