Nine more…

21 Dec

No, not nine more licks with the yardstick, although at the moment that doesn’t sound half bad either.  Nine more days til i see Sir, of course.  Not counting today.

It was a lot easier being away from Him when i was the one out of town. 

i was just reading a post on slave alisha’s blog that connected with what i was thinking about yesterday.  She’s struggling with the challenge of giving – what does it mean, what does she have to offer?  She’s taking some amazing steps toward discovering her true value and worth.  Reading her blog is like watching a caterpillar turn into a butterfly – i know that’s cliche, but it really is. 

 i think i’ve told before the story of the little girl and the caterpillars?  She was watching some caterpillars hatching from their cocoons.  They were struggling so hard, beating their wings against the cocoon, and it went on for such a long time.  She was exhausted just watching them.

So she decided to help them.  She carefully picked the cocoon off their bodies, one by one, setting them free.

And there they were – in all their beauty – free of the cocoon.  And unable to fly.

The struggle to set themselves free from the cocoon strengthens their wings.  Without the exercise of that battle, their wings aren’t strong enough to carry them.

Worth the struggle...

So i read blogs, and i see us – not all of us, not all the time – but often, i see us struggling with some question, some issue.  Wrestling with it.  Often, i think there’s a connection to past abuse, but not always. 

Let me be clear, i don’t believe having a history of childhood abuse of some kind is what makes us kinky – i know many people who’ve experienced abuse who aren’t into BDSM  – although sometimes i wonder if it would be helpful for them – but that’s a different discussion, right?  i don’t think that i’m submissive because i’ve experienced some abuse – in fact, for me, the kink was there before the abuse.

But we all have issues – i mean, really, we do.  Subs and Doms and all the vanilla folks out there too.   That’s just life.   And i think we all have some drive to heal whatever injuries we’ve experienced and some drive to growing into being – well, into being more of who we are, or more of who we want to be, or whatever we decide we want to grow into.

So – there are so many blogs by subs who struggle with some aspect of growth.  It seems like we are all trying to work our way into something.  Sin – picking at the scabs of her efforts at a poly relationship.  Green Girl, Sweet KK, Submissivebf, the list goes on and on.    We do it in fantasy, like ‘Nilla, like me sometimes.  But over and over we struggle with aspects of ourselves.

Trying to be more submissive.  Trying to be submissive without losing who we are.  Trying to love more fully.  Trying to protect ourselves.  Trying NOT to protect ourselves.  Trying, trying, trying… 

And we grow.  We become more of who we are, more of who we want to be.   We deepen our selves, expand, blossom.

And where are the Doms in all this?   Where is the benefit for them?

i don’t think the answer is that our growth benefits them.  It may do that, but i can’t believe that’s what their part of the relationship is about.  That would make them two-dimensional – props in our universe.  That can’t be right. 

Even if their role is as leaders or guides – you know, being a therapist myself, i know that i grow from my experience in relationship with my clients.  And the therapist-client role is supposed to be uneven, is supposed to be all for the benefit of the client.  But that can’t be true.  If i’m not growing, then i’m not really in relationship.  If i’m just sitting back manipulating growth for my client, i’m not doing what i need to be doing.

(Note:  That doesn’t mean i ever talk about my problems or my current issues with my client.  That’s not how it works either.)

So if me-as-therapist also engages and grows through the relationship, then i believe that’s true for Doms as well. 

If i extend that analogy – as therapist, i’m always watching myself as well as my client.  Checking myself.  How did i respond – and what does that say about me?  Is there a sore spot of my own here?   Did i really understand?  That kind of self analysis. 

And through that, i grow.  Through my clients’ reactions, i learn things about myself.  i learn from their insights.  i learn from their struggle – but i have to turn it around and see how it applies to me.    i can’t just be an observor, i have to grasp it and pull the ideas, the thoughts and feelings into my own life.

Does that make sense? 

And doesn’t it seem like the same must be true for Doms?  Plus, they have the whole “how to be a good Dom” concept to measure themselves against, right?  That would be another way for a Dom to grow emotionally and spiritually.  i think.

And why am i even going on about this?  i don’t know.  Looking for the overriding mutuality, i guess.   Maybe –

Because – i’ve been both humbled and edified in my relationship with Sir D.   (A sentence that makes my pussy twitch, wake up and take notice, btw.  Don’t ask me why…) 

Ok – back on track here – there are experiences i’ve had with Sir that have clearly been restorative.  That have “redeemed” some early injury.   The experiences have been – a gift, in a way.  But not handed to me – there had to be effort and work on my part for them to happen.  And they couldn’t have happened without my Sir being who He is.

So i think – is this it? – i think we create a relationship that exists between us, like a – ok, maybe like a garden.  With a pond or lake or fountain  – some kind of water.  And with trees to represent the phallic element, right?  And we play and work in the garden together, taking fruit as it grows?

i don’t know. 

“Get me the yardstick, please,” He says, and when i hesitate, “Go on, get it now.”

i know exactly where it is.  As i walk to the bedroom, i feel my body – my heart pounding, breath ragged.  i feel my pussy growing wet, opening, throbbing. 

i am wearing a t-shirt.  My ass is covered, but barely.  i am aware of my body, my breasts, my thighs…

Damn, how does He do this to me?

The yardstick is in the corner, where i left it.  It’s light, supple.  i know it stings.  i pick it up, aware of the edges, wondering at myself.  i’ll take it to Him, knowing that He’s going to use it on me.  Knowing that i want Him to.

It’s the wanting that humiliates.   i want Him to, even though after He starts, i will want him NOT to, and then even when i want Him not to, i will not want Him to stop until He wants to.  Yes-no-yes…

i present the yardstick with a flourish – “Sir!”  on my knees, arms extended.  Perhaps a tad overly dramatic – He raises his eyebrows as He takes it.

And then He moves – faster than i can tell it – He grips my hair, yes, right there – pulls me to my feet, hustles me to the couch –

  – pushes my head down, bends me over the arm of the couch. 

Pulls the t-shirt up –

   – ass raised, exposed…

Strokes the backs of my thighs with the yardstick.  Rubs it against my ass.  Taps it lightly on my calves.

And then, while i’m squirming with pleasure, wriggling –

                – whoosh!

He brings it down on my ass, and i cry out – O!!! that stings.

And as i write – as i WRITE it – my pussy clenches and i shiver.  

 Nine more days… 

12 Responses to “Nine more…”

  1. sweet kk December 21, 2010 at 5:53 am #

    wonderful post Aisha! i often wonder about the “overriding mutuality” of the arrangement… lots of food for thought here… thank you so much!

    kk

    • aisha December 21, 2010 at 8:26 am #

      Thanks, KK – for the comment, but also for your own thought provoking blog!

      aisha

  2. sin December 21, 2010 at 7:10 am #

    Brilliant. I like all of this. And will come back and read it again and ponder it. I even like the yardstick. Umm… probably better in theory than in my Owner’s hand, but still…

    • aisha December 21, 2010 at 8:27 am #

      Thanks, Sin – and {laughing} yeah, I like the yardstick better in my mind than in reality too!

      aisha

  3. Mick December 21, 2010 at 7:33 am #

    Interesting technique…. the sudden switch from those gentle strokes to the harder one…. something to file away for an upcoming switch day…

    • aisha December 21, 2010 at 8:28 am #

      Mick – yes! She’ll love it…

      aisha

  4. nilla December 21, 2010 at 8:34 am #

    i *still* haven’t commented on yesterdays post because i’m stewing in it. not in a bad way..more….simmering, i guess. (we had faux beef stew last night…hee)

    This post resonates too.

    Sometimes, aisha, i feel i have to reach to get the message you deliver. i can feel them, intuit them, but to be able to respond to them in sensible fashion? Stretches me and i thank you for that.

    for me, it boils down to clarity of communication. its the root of so many issues for me, especially when people don’t tell me clearly what they want, and expect me to be able to decode their message(s). Or maybe its because i am not hearing clearly what they are trying to make me see/understand??. in either instance, i am left, shaking my head saying “what the fuck? what did i do? what *didnt* i do? how do i fix it?” …

    my dau is having some language issues. At 4, there are words that are still very hard to understand. I see the frustration, the need to inform. We relax, we work through it, eventually we figure it out, but the process is a struggle..her to remain calm enough to be able to help me work around the word, me to remain open and relaxed to hear her. Its a fine balance.

    (she’s getting hearing and language assessments over the next few weeks)

    this is the core, for me, of D/s. i need to know what is expected of me, maybe even beyond simply obeying. What is HE trying to communicate to me? am i grokking it, or are the words just floating by? i need to be *in* it, in Him, as much as he is in me (bad pun but i hope you get what i mean by that?!)

    For the long haul…how does He want me to be? And is there a goal? an end game? what is filling U/us along the way. Are his needs being met by me? Are mine being met by him, at some level? (no i don’t expect to always be fully sated…it’s their way to torment us with denial…*smiles*)

    The purest core of D/s (for me, anyway) is “being”. Yes, in that Zen way. Being fully present. Being fully open. Being fully engaged, listening, body poised…

    Gawd woman you make me *think*

    hug,

    nilla

    • aisha December 21, 2010 at 7:32 pm #

      @’Nilla – and you make me think, and it all circles back around.

      I’m sorry your daughter’s having trouble with some words, but love the image you give me of you relaxing enough to be receptive and her relaxing into sending her message as best she can…and somehow communication happens. It’s a beautiful image.

      There’s a lot in your comment to think about. Interesting when you talk about you needing to be “in him” also. I’m not sure this is what you meant, but a few weeks ago, JM, the amazing analyst, was asking me in what ways i penetrate Him – Sir, that is. I’m still thinking about that one.

      And the image of “being” is beautiful.

      Thank you.

      aisha

  5. thesubmissivebf December 21, 2010 at 12:30 pm #

    A posting worth reading several times to fully appreciate and absorb, thank you.

    • aisha December 21, 2010 at 7:32 pm #

      Thank you! I’d love to hear your thoughts if you want to share sometime…

      aisha

  6. hidden slave December 21, 2010 at 6:26 pm #

    still pondering, very thought provoking:

    And through that, i grow. Through my clients’ reactions, i learn things about myself. i learn from their insights. i learn from their struggle – but i have to turn it around and see how it applies to me. i can’t just be an observor, i have to grasp it and pull the ideas, the thoughts and feelings into my own life.
    I feel this is the bit that I take from reading the blogs I do, stops me just being nosy.
    Thaks or the post, need to re-read it some more.
    hidden slave

    • aisha December 21, 2010 at 7:34 pm #

      @hiddenslave – Yes! I know what you mean, it is like that with reading OPBs.

      We feed each other, ya know? In our own separate selves, blogging in the wee hours of the morning, the darkest of the night, or whenever – what we write reaches out and connects us.

      Wow.

      aisha

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