In Real Life

28 Dec

i started to continue “The Training School” – and got as far as:  “All lotioned and perfumed, i slip into the clothes they’ve laid out for me.   Tonight, i’m wearing a …” and i was going to say ‘purple corset, fishnet stockings, and of course, heels,” when i realized that i wasn’t feeling it.  In fact, the idea made me cringe a little and want to put more clothes on.

i promise i’ll come back to it – just not today.   i’m having to make some difficult decisions about my mother’s healthcare this week, and i need to center myself differently.  My mind is unsettled, ideas dart around, sensations and half-formed thoughts run wild.  

{laughing) A couple of days ago, on facebook i used this quote from Harry Potter: 

“I sometimes find, and I am sure you know the feeling, that I simply have too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind…. At these times… I use the Pensieve. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one’s mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one’s leisure.”
~~Albus Dumbledore

That’s what blogging does for me, at least sometimes.  Lets me lay my thoughts out and play with them at leisure.

Like the quote from one of the subsister’s new Dom, which Sin also quoted.  He says the sign of a great dominant is:  “being able to want something, and convince you that you want it, that you need it and crave it and that you are being spoiled and treated like a princess when he gives it to you…”

It’s a fascinating definition, and Sin’s post on it is equally interesting.  i’m not sure what i think about it, and am not sure that it’s accurate, but i love the sound of it.  i want to ask my Sir what He thinks about it.  Because – o –

– on one hand, i would tell you, with all sincerity, that Sir D has not “made me want” anything.  Really.  And –

              – o, wait – um, when i met Him i would never, in a million years, have imagined getting naked in front of a room full of people and being

                                 strung up with rope – set on fire – and um, beaten. 

And now i absolutely can’t wait to do it again. 

Gosh.   How did that happen?

i’m fascinated by the positive responses i got to “The Training School.”  I got 225 hits on my blog December 26  – which, i know, is not a lot compared to a lot of you, but it’s a whole lot for me.  And nearly as many yesterday.     

Writing it is an interesting experience.  The words flow.  i can see The School, and feel it.   It’s real.  And it turns me on.  

Is it the minutiae of control that’s so arousing?  The detail?  Or is there something else about the school concept that speaks to us?   i’d love to hear your ideas on it.  What makes it hot?

And i really will come back to it.  The plot is laying itself out in my mind, the characters coming to life.  Weird.  Of course, Tipacanoe is applying for the position of Headmaster – but {laughing} wouldn’t it be fun to do a national search?    Ok, maybe not that many people would apply, and – o, that’s right, there isn’t really a school.  i guess in the long run, that would be a problem.

But think about it.  We could have  2 or 3, maybe even 4, essay questions for the candidates to answer.  What would we want to know? 

i’ve been thinking about the munch i went to Sunday night, which was a lot of fun.  i begin to feel a sense of belonging in the community here, and that feels good.  Interesting to shift easily from the old tv shows we liked (Rifleman, Bonanza, Twilight Zone) to the kink we like, with barely a breath inbetween. 

Interesting the ways we come to the community – from those of us arriving late to the party, bringing our quirks along with the kink – to the 18 year olds.  Good grief, i can’t imagine what that would be like.  But she’s right, the young lady is, when she says something like, “Well, coming to this so young, I won’t have to go through the bad marriages and vanilla relationships that youall went through first.”

She’s right, at least in a way, and we nod in agreement.   Her path will be different.  i don’t think we need to remind her that it’ll have its own perils and pain.

And i’m recentering myself because this weekend, this Friday, Sir D will be here.  We saw each other the first weekend in November, the first weekend in December, and now the first weekend in January.  Looking back, i see some patterns in how i cope with that.

i miss Him so much – and {laughing} so much more than i want to.  i don’t want to miss Him at all.  i want to be totally fine with not seeing Him.  And  – are you familiar with the AA definition of fine?

Fucked-up/ Insecure/ Neurotic/ and – i always forget “E” – is it Emotional?   Yeah, Emotional.

Well, that’s about how “fine” i become over the course of 4 weeks without seeing Him. 

You can’t imagine how much that pisses me off  – at myself, mostly.  i struggle with it, like a fish in a net.  i start to swim away, only to realize the net encircles me.  To leave, i’d have to tear the net, and – much to my dismay – i realize i don’t want to do that.

So i swim in circles, bumping into the net here and there. 

i give up and swim listlessly in one place. 

i get reenergized and make another run for it – hitting the net again. 

Finally, i begin to get used to it, to re-find some kind of balance for myself.   By then, the waiting is almost over.  Have i really shut down, gotten used to being alone?  i don’t know. 

Today, i’m turning back toward Him. 

Just a few more days – tomorrow and Thursday to get through.  i am pulled, drawn toward Him.  Fighting that a little bit.  i don’t want Him to have this much power over me.  i want to be casual, nonchalant. 

Yeah, good luck with that, right?  Damn it.

Last night, i picked up my phone to text Him, and before i could dial the number, He popped up on IM.  That touch of Him lingers.

Today, when i think of Him, my skin tingles.  It’s stupid and corny, but i ache to feel His hand in my hair. 

Damn it.

Long to feel Him kiss me.

Want to kneel in front of Him.

Soon, i will.

For now, i wait, poised in my mind, on my knees.  Sitting straight and tall.  Knees apart a little.  My face is upturned, i’m waiting, watching for Him.  My hands rest on my thighs, palms up, tingling with anticipation. 

Waiting.

12 Responses to “In Real Life”

  1. strivingforpeace December 28, 2010 at 7:20 am #

    Hugs for your tough week — and yeah — they do make us want what we don’t want

    sfp

    • aisha December 28, 2010 at 8:03 am #

      Thanks, Sfp – nice.

      And yeah, I know, I know they do… and make us like it too!

      aisha

  2. hidden slave December 28, 2010 at 7:29 am #

    Hope everything goes well with your mother, these things are never easy xx HS

    • aisha December 28, 2010 at 8:02 am #

      Thanks, HS. I appreciate the good thoughts…

      aisha

  3. sin December 28, 2010 at 7:54 am #

    Oh for a Harry Potter Penseive. That would help a lot!

    Aisha, you are so smart about yourself, knowing yourself, your analogy of the fish in the net so apt. I guess the silver lining is that it gives you a chance to know yourself better, to really ease into the relationship and understand what you get from it. And yes, I perfectly understand that maybe you don’t want to ease in, but that’s what you’ve got so drink up the lemonade.

    How’s that for a mixed bag of metaphors? Big hug. Almost to Friday.

    • aisha December 28, 2010 at 8:04 am #

      No doubt!

      Thanks, Sin,yeah, I’m drinking the lemonade… and I think you’re probably right. Even if I don’t want it that way. Damn it.

      Thank you!!

      aisha

      • Mick December 28, 2010 at 8:28 am #

        Of course that 18 yr. old may not make the mistakes all of us late bloomers made in getting here, but I suspect the might find a whole new set of her own, as that is how we grow, isn’t it?

  4. aisha December 28, 2010 at 8:40 am #

    @Mick – Absolutely! Part of the beauty of being 18 though is that you don’t fully realize that yet.

    aisha

  5. tipacanoe December 28, 2010 at 9:59 am #

    aisha, we are going through the same type of issues with FIL, don’t know if there is any good answer. Now don’t go worrying about doing a national search for the head master job, I’m already packed, given my present employer two weeks notice and I’m ready to move. I won’t let them down. Write when you feel like it and hope this coming weekend gives you just what you want.

    • aisha December 28, 2010 at 9:33 pm #

      Omigoodness – I’m glad you’re so enthusiastic about the job, and I know you’ll be wonderful – I am just a wee bit worried though. We can skip the national search, but I know we have at least one internal candidate. Professor C is thinking about applying for the job…

      Thanks – and thanks…

      aisha

  6. nilla December 28, 2010 at 12:47 pm #

    i understand real life int he way. HUGS as you work towards whatever needs to happen.

    write when you can. we’ll return for it all.

    love
    nilla

    • aisha December 28, 2010 at 9:46 pm #

      Thank you ‘Nilla.

      love,

      aisha

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