Confessions, Giggles, and What I Wanted to Say

29 Dec

First, thanks to everyone who sent hugs and warm thoughts yesterdays – my mom’s health is stable again for now. 

So, a quick confession – in December, i had planned to lose 5 pounds.  Instead i think i gained 3.  Staff at my workplace keep up a steady stream of food offerings.  Cookies and cakes and chocolate covered pretzels and apple slices dipped in caramel and bannana bread and choclate covered strawberries and bourbon balls and pumpkin bread – and then there are the drug rep lunches.  From Cracker Barrel, where apparently they have a contest to see how many carbs they can put in one meal.  

Some months i resist womanfully – in December, i didn’t do so well.

So Monday, when i get to work, i announce  as i sign in that i need to lose 10 pounds by Friday.   For some reason, this amuses people. 

{Laughing} Ok, i know i can’t actually lose 10 pounds in any kind of healthy way in 5 days.  Even a Mental health professional knows that.  But it gets the receptionist started.

“Ten pounds by Friday!”  Joanna says, “you can’t do that!  Omigod – what are you going do?  Not eat anything?  That’s not good for you!”

“Laxatives,” Karen, a therapist, suggests.  “Get that colonoscopy stuff.  That’ll do it.”  Karen is about 5’6″ and weighs maybe 120 pounds.  Not excessively thin, but not in need of any diet aids.  “Or just drink lots of water.  Don’t do anything but drink water.  That might work.”

“That wouldn’t be good for you,” Emily, our computer whiz, says, looking worried.  “You need to eat.”

So i laugh, and say, “Ok, ok, not 10 pounds – 5 pounds.  i can lose 5 pounds by Friday.”  They look at me skeptically but don’t say anything else.

Of course, what i’m really doing is giving notice – “i am not eating your white chocolate covered raisins, your artichoke and spiniach dip,  your chess pie…  i  am no longer eating any of that.  You can just take it back home as far as i’m concerned.”

At lunch, i’m carefully avoiding the post-Christmas treats spread out on the table, enjoying my cottage cheese and cherry tomatoes, 7 pretzel sticks and a pear.  Karen says – quite suddenly – “Spanks!  You know about spanks, right??”

i panic – how did she know?  Spanks?  Spanking?  and why is she talking about it now – omigosh!  And then- quickly  – no it can’t be, – ok, no, calm…. this is something else. 

Then i want to say, “Spanks?  O, i know about spanks!  Have ya read my blog lately?”

Instead, i look curious and shake my head, “nope, don’t know what spanks are,” giggling to myself. 

“Oh, they’re wonderful,” she raves.  “You wear them.  You can get them right down to your ankles and wrists.” 

Like restraints? i wonder.  But apparently not.

She goes on, “They just hold everything right where it’s s’posed to be.  All the flabby parts?” she nods sagely, “Just freezes them.  Holds them right there.”

And i’m actually kind of interested, sand i want to say, “But what would they look like when i take my clothes off at the play party?  Cause i’m pretty sure they’re not the kind of underwear that Sir prefers.  Not a look that he’d like…”  

And then i’m really giggling, because what would she think if i did say that???  So instead i say, “Well, they sound interesting.  i’ll have to keep that in mind.”

Karen says, “But if you do it – if you go the Spanks route – make sure you pick the right size.  Don’t do like I did once and opt for going down one size.”  She shakes her head, “I thought, you know, if i go one down, then i’ll just be that much smaller – right?  Good plan, except i couldn’t breathe.  At all.  Halfway to the party, i had to stop on the side of the road and take them off.  Go commando. 

“Kaitlyn, my daughter, was 6 at the time – she says, “Mommmy, why aren’t you wearing any underwear to the party?”  Karen shrugs, “Traumatized the poor child no doubt.  But i told her not to look.”

And i’m laughing so hard i can’t talk at the idea of Karen stripping on the side of the road and going “commando,” not because of any kink, but because her Spanks were too tight for her to breathe.   And thinking about how many things i can’t say…

So i’m getting ready to leave last night, as i sign out, Karen and Joanna are in the receptionist area again.  “Aisha,” says Karen, “We’ve got it – your perfect solution!” 

“What -” i’ve forgotten about my weight loss goal for the moment –

“You know, your 10 pounds,” Karen says, “Look.  Here’s the solution.  You just go like this -” and she raises her arms high over her head. 

As if she were – um, maybe going to be attached to a chain from the ceiling?  i can only stare – and laugh – i want to say, “What –  i’m going to have someone beat the 10 pounds off me????

O, wait, no – she doesn’t know about that – ok. 

“Look,”  she says, “if you just stand like this all night, look how much skinnier you look!  There’s your 10 pounds!”  She drops her arms, truimphantly, looks at me, clearly expecting applause.

And of course i start laughing, and Joanna demonstrates too, only she’s about my height and heavier than i am, so she raises her arms above her head and says, “See, it lifts your boobies up, makes em downright perky.”

Karen says, “Might be a little hard driving, i don’t know, in the car…” she sits, raises her arms, brings them back down,”Well I guess your coat would cover you.  You’ll just have to hide under it, keep it pulled over you.  But when you get there-”  She stands and demonstrates again, arms up, draping herself against a file cabinet, “Just look at how good I look!”  Pause.  Of course, you might have trouble eating.  Grapes would work.  I’m still trying to figure out how I’d do broccoli casserole.”

And what i want to say is, “And yes – that would work – Sir could tie my arms up, so really, no one would even think it was odd!”  But, um, i don’t…

It’s not always easy, living in a vanilla world…

{laughing}

Sir has a cold.  Keep your fingers crossed that He feels better this weekend, ok?  Thanks! 

6 Responses to “Confessions, Giggles, and What I Wanted to Say”

  1. Mick December 29, 2010 at 7:47 am #

    suspension as a weight loss technique? Someone needs to tape an infomercial. Mick

  2. aisha December 29, 2010 at 8:00 am #

    Omigosh, Mick –

    YES!

    I can see it now… the scene’s a little blurry – announcer’s voice says, “When your undergarments can’t cover it…” and the picture starts to clear “and you still need to look your best -” you can see now- it’s a woman with her arms suspended just over her head…and the voice concludes,” try the other Spanks!”

    i love it!

    aisha

  3. sin December 29, 2010 at 8:23 am #

    Funny, I do think the best part is Karen though. She could do an info-mercial about Spanks. Make sure you don’t get too small a size. Or this could happen to you.

    • aisha December 29, 2010 at 8:30 am #

      Good idea! And she’d agree with you – I can hear her now – “You know, I think you’re right, we wouldn’t want some other poor person out there having to strip down on the side of the road!”

      aisha

  4. xantu December 29, 2010 at 11:06 am #

    That was hilarious. I loved the “what I was thinking and could have said” asides.

    I could see spanks as some new kind of Sadistic torture. Kind of like corset bondage, breath play and humiliation when you have to wear them at the party all in one. My mind is spiraling… spanks and sharpies, spanks and spanks…

    • aisha December 29, 2010 at 6:33 pm #

      @Xantu – yep. Brilliant idea. {laughing} Thanks! aisha

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