In Vanilla World

1 Jan

So yesterday, we met with Hospice for my mother. 

Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2006, but had probably had it a long time before then  She was – eccentric enough that she could get away with it.  But of course she’s been getting worse ever since.   Mentally.  Physically, she’s had very few problems.

No, she doesn’t recognize us anymore.   Sometimes, she says “Oh, you’re my daughter, aren’t you?”  But sometimes she says that to the nurse on duty.

So this week, her physical health took a turn for the worse.  And they wanted to do some invasive medical stuff.  But it was completely my choice whether they did it or not.  

 So my sister and i talked, and i went with “not.” 

I know i did the right thing.    My mother would be applauding me.

So yesterday we talked with Hospice.  And later, the doctor called me.  i had somehow not quite realized that this meant they would stop her insulin.

But of course that makes sense.

And i’m ok.  Sad, cause that’s my mama.  But it’s the right thing. 

And really, the mama i knew has been gone a long time.

And still it’s sad.  And hard.  Even if i’m not completely sure why – it just is, right?

So i was extra glad to see Sir D last night, and He took good care of me, even though he’s still not feeling well himself.  I came to Where-He-Lives rather than him driving up to see me.  We’ve been thinking He may feel well enough to come up for the munch and party tonight.

This morning, my church does an interfaith prayer service for world peace.   Sir D had planned to come to it, but of course isn’t up to driving back so early in the morning for it.  

But i need to go.  I”ve gone every year for a long time.  Durning part of it, everyone has a chance to say their own prayer publicly, and i’ve always prayed for Mom then.   i always pray that whatever is the best thing to happen for her, happens. 

i can’t miss this year.

So – i’m up and dressed and out the door in a few.    

If Sir feels up to it, He’s going to drive up to Where-i-Live – if not, i can come back this afternoon, at least i will if He feels like company.  Cause i need Him too.

And you know, partly i write this here because it is the only thing on my mind at the moment.  And partly i write it here because i know that you will be sending me warm thoughts, and good energy, and prayer.   So thank you for that in advance!

It’s not the way i would  have chosen to start the New Year.  But here i am.  One of these days soon i’ll do a more “counting my blessings” post, but for now – i’m so glad that i started blogging and got to know you all.

Hope you each have a happy New Year, filled with blessings and joy…



14 Responses to “In Vanilla World”

  1. sin January 1, 2011 at 9:08 am #

    Oh this makes me teary. I’m sorry Aisha. I guess it could make sense that they would stop the insulin but, I sure wouldn’t have expected it. I think you have it right, praying that whatever is the best thing for her happens. Big hug.

  2. Mick January 1, 2011 at 9:19 am #

    My brother and I went through this with my father several years ago. These are painful and difficult choices, but I think you have made the right one. It’s what I have passed onto my own daughters as how I should be handled if and when that time comes.

    Our thoughts with you AIsha….

  3. xantu January 1, 2011 at 9:23 am #

    I too am taking a deep breath and blinking back tears. Your story touches me close to the heart. My sweet, smart, sharp witted and sharper tongued mother is rapidly disappearing. You can, if you know what to look for, catch a rare glimpse of her inside that sleepy, forgetful, confused little old lady.

    It hurts like hell. My thoughts and positive energy are going your way.


    P.S. I have been telling everyone Happy New Year, but it just seems a little incongruous. But I do wish you all the happiness and peace in the world.

  4. yesthankyousir January 1, 2011 at 10:41 am #

    May every choice you make be the right one for you and those you love. I feel that trusting your heart and higher power whomever it may be, is the best route. I also have every faith you are capable and able to allow 2011 to be the beginning of the best years of your life.

  5. The Beast January 1, 2011 at 11:32 am #

    Sending my thoughts to you… *hugs*

  6. slave alisha January 1, 2011 at 12:46 pm #

    All my hugs and best thoughts are yours aisha. luv you.

  7. Molly Collins January 1, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    I am so sorry. sending love and good thoughts your way.

  8. hidden slave January 1, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

    aisha, my thoughts are with you. i am a firm believer that when we make a considered decision, it is the right one, because it is the one we made with love in our hearts, with the best interest of those we are helping at the basis of those choices. I am sure your mom would be proud of your bravery at this difficult time, sending you much love, HSxx

  9. strivingforpeace January 1, 2011 at 2:43 pm #

    Much love to you — you are doing the finest thing you can do for another person — protecting her when she cannot protect herself.

    My prayers are with you, sister

    much love


  10. nilla January 1, 2011 at 3:16 pm #

    There are no wins with this sort of situation, aisha. There is only the knowledge that you did the right thing, and truly one of the hardest fucking things any of us has to do in this life…decide about the life of another in our care.

    As always, you have my shoulder to lean on, my ear to talk to , and my heart which cares so deeply for you, heartsister.

    May the goddess bless you all as your mama begins her journey to the Summerlands.

    My heart is heavy for you, dear sister.



  11. aisha January 1, 2011 at 4:01 pm #

    Omigosh, youall make me teary, that’s so sweet.

    Sin – Mick – Xantu – HS – Yesthankyousir – The Beast – Slave Alisha – Molly – Hidden Slave, – Sfp – and ‘Nilla –

    really all I can say is “thank you” – thank you for sharing your experience, your feelings, your thoughts, and your blessings.

    I’ve read and re-read this page today, and will come back to it in the future. Thank you so much.


  12. kellyred January 1, 2011 at 6:01 pm #

    aisha, This is the hardest thing any daughter can go through. I watched my mother walk this path, then I walked it myself two years after my Grandma passed. I know that what ever decisions you make are the right ones, because you are making them out of love and concern.
    It was the hardest thing I think I ever did, watching my mother fade and no one really take her place. Just an echo remained of who she was.
    If you want to talk or need someone to listen, I would gladly be one of those someones. May God bless you and your family this year. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

    • aisha January 1, 2011 at 6:50 pm #

      @K – thank you so much. You, and all of you who’ve shared your experiences with this, thank you soooo much. It really makes me feel hopeful.



  13. Donna January 1, 2011 at 10:56 pm #

    Dear Aisha,
    My son is in medical school. My FIL and I had discussed from time to time our concerns about how my son would handle the death of patients. Last month my FIL died of cancer. The last week of his life it was my son who took care of him. Just days before he died, as my son held his grandfather in his arms, my FIL had a moment of lucidity and with clear eyes and clear, strong voice said to my son, “Remember for me, this is not the way I want to live. Be okay with that.” My son later told me he immediately understood that this was his grandfather’s final gift to him, this lesson about death. It is an expression of love to accept that there is a time for someone to die, and to be okay with that.

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