An Ending

8 Jan

This blog has been my journal, my sounding board, my support, and my escape for months.  i write about my real life adventures, my thoughts, my fantasies, and my philosophy.  i write for myself first,  for my Sir second, and for my friends – all of you in the blogosphere – third.

Believe it or not – don’t laugh – i can be a very private person.  So when my life changes,  i share that carefully. 

But i got an e-mail from a blogger friend yesterday asking if something had happened with Sir D.   And since things have definitely changed – and i’ve alluded to it here – i guess now’s  a good time to say whatever i’m gonna say about it.

You know, because of him traveling, and me traveling, and some other things, we had not seen much of each other for a couple of months.   One day when we were together, he said something like, “You know, because of the phase my own life is in, I may not be able to give you the things you need in a relationship right now.”

And i said, “i know.  i know that.”

And i did.  i knew it from the beginning. 

i’ve laughed and said i was “Rebound Girl”   – and that was true!   Let me be clear – he is less than a year separated from a 30 year marriage.   He’s still married, although they aren’t living together.  (Yes, i’m sure they aren’t.)

They say when you get divorced, for every two years you were married, it takes a year to heal.  The numbers may not be exact, but i know it takes time to figure out who you are outside the relationship, before you can truly be ready for another relationship.  D’s entitled to that time and space. 

So i knew this, and if i sometimes fantasized that it could be different, i really knew better. 

i don’t have a lot of regrets about the time we spent together.   There are things i did with him, experiences he gave me,  that could not have happened with anyone else.   Memories i’ll always cherish. 

Which is NOT to say that this relationship didn’t come with it’s own measure of angst.  For sure, it did.  But between moving my mama to Hospice care and being laid up for a week, i’ve been able to slide into acceptance.

Acceptance.  That’s the last stage of grief, you know – denial – bargaining – anger – depression – acceptance.  When i get there with my clients, when we’re talking about it, they look at me like – well, like it’s Greek. 

“Acceptance?  That’s the last stage?”  They shake their heads.  “I don’t think I’ve ever gotten there.”  

But i can get there.  Acceptance. 

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
~~ Bob Marley

And this one:

“I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing.”
~~Anais Nin
 

In any case – i’m ok, although i am sorry that D hasn’t chosen to tell me good-bye  – not by a phone call, an e-mail, or a text.  i don’t know why, and i don’t guess it matters.  i’ve said good-bye. 

i don’t blame him – and i don’t blame myself.

{Smiling}

Cause ya know, i think he made a pretty good choice, picking me for “Rebound Girl.”    There are things he did with me, experiences i gave him, that could not have happened with anyone else.  i hope that someday he thinks of those times as memories to cherish.   

  So i’ll end this post with a blessing for him.  i didn’t know i was going to do this when i started out, and he’s probably not even reading the blog any more, but that’s ok.  Maybe i can make it a blessing for both of us, to send out into the universe as we go our separate ways.  

May the memory of the laughter

 and the pleasures we shared

stay with us.

May we carry what we learned

about our ourselves and other people

with us as we go into new relationships.

May our time together help us

care more deeply, love more fully,

and live with more joy every day,

forever and ever…

Amen

 

 

29 Responses to “An Ending”

  1. sin January 8, 2011 at 2:51 pm #

    Aisha, that sucks. He seemed so right in some ways. And not right in others. I wonder if you are as accepting as you sound? Maybe not. But you’ll get there. I think there’s some cycling back through the other stages sometimes, don’t you?

    I always wonder how people (men) do that thing where they just wander away and don’t need to discuss it and get closure and say yes it’s really over. I am sure it’s to avoid the scene that they know is there… but still.. don’t they owe us that?

    • aisha January 8, 2011 at 3:30 pm #

      Yes – and yes – and more yes. laughing.

      So right in some ways and not in others.

      Cycling through the stages to be expected.

      And it is baffling how they can do that wander off thing without what we think of as closure.

      O – and one no – cause I’m pretty sure they don’t owe us anything. But it sure would be nice…

      thanks, Sin,

      aisha

  2. Sir J January 8, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

    that was classy

  3. Greengirl January 8, 2011 at 3:06 pm #

    Aisha, i am sorry about this, that you have been hurt. You are strong. Sin is likely right, there must be some circling back, but i think in blessing him, you are blessing yourself as well. Seeing isn’t believing. Sometimes believing something is what is necessary to see it.

    • aisha January 8, 2011 at 3:34 pm #

      Thank you, GG. I think you’re right. I think blessings are like positive energy, you can’t go wrong sending them out there. Thank you so much.

      aisha

  4. Sir J January 8, 2011 at 3:06 pm #

    that was classy, you are classy.

    • aisha January 8, 2011 at 3:27 pm #

      Thank you.

      Interesting that when I went to look at your blog, I found this sentence:

      “It is a question of choosing the kind of person you are going to be.”

      Yes. 🙂 Thanks.

      aisha

  5. kellyred January 8, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

    Oh aisha,
    I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to continue along with the mindset of your prayer for you both. It is lovely. I also hope the memories go quickly for you from achingly bittersweet, to just sweet.

    kelly

    • aisha January 8, 2011 at 3:39 pm #

      Thank you so much, Kelly. You know, we do bounce around in the grief cycle, we don’t get to just go through it once, and that’s ok too, it’s ok to feel what we feel. But acceptance is where I always aim to end up. Thanks.

      aisha

  6. slave alisha January 8, 2011 at 3:10 pm #

    As Sir J noted and I’ve known since the day I met you on here, You are the epitomy of class. (and dont even bother saying no you’re not cause I won’t heeeeeeeeere youuuuuuuu)

    love and hugs
    alisha

    • aisha January 8, 2011 at 3:47 pm #

      Thank you, Alisha – and ok, no I won’t say I’m not classy, and thank you very much for saying I am. {laughing}

      You know, the only thing I can really control is what I choose to do, right? So if I have certain values and beliefs, then how I act needs to be based on them. That’s all it is.

      love,

      aisha

  7. strivingforpeace January 8, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

    hugs sub sister

    and if you backslide a bit out of acceptance into some of those earlier stages?

    that’s ok too

    love

    sfp

    • aisha January 8, 2011 at 6:24 pm #

      Thank you,sfp, and hugs.

      aisha

  8. Donna January 8, 2011 at 4:28 pm #

    It’s all on the Wheel and you are putting all positive things onto the Wheel; trust that it will circle back around!

    So somewhere out there is a Dom you haven’t me yet, or maybe you have, who is going through huge changes in his life, too, and when the time is right and the stars align you will be together.

    Bill sometimes refers to me as Pollyanna the Glad Bag…he may be right, but I do believe there are good things in store for you!

    Hugs!

    • aisha January 8, 2011 at 6:33 pm #

      Thank you so much, Donna – you know, I pretty much believe that too. At least, I believe that I’m on a journey and this was just one stage of the journey. I believe that I learn as I go and yeah, I hope that there’s someone out there who will be ready for me and want who I am.

      I love Pollyanna – the real Pollyanna, so nothing wrong with that!

      And if nothing else, you know, I have the satisfaction of knowing that I held on to who I am.

      love,

      aisha

  9. The Beast January 8, 2011 at 4:38 pm #

    aisha – Endings are seldom easy. Sending you my good wishes in this difficult time.

    • aisha January 8, 2011 at 6:34 pm #

      Thank you very much.

      aisha

  10. hidden slave January 8, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

    Ending are always difficult, acceptance of an ending is even harder, just is how are expectations of how other will behave makes us feel let down sometimes, but you seem to have moved past that. How you behaved was beautiful.sending love HSxx

    • aisha January 8, 2011 at 6:39 pm #

      Thank you, HS. You’re so right. But I’ve been working for a long time on recognizing that other people are who they are, regardless of who I want them to be. Thank you.

      aisha

  11. Molly Collins January 8, 2011 at 6:09 pm #

    hang in there…great marley quote too. or my fav about the end of relationships by carrie fisher;
    “relationships are never over, just over there.”
    take care
    molly

    • aisha January 8, 2011 at 6:44 pm #

      Dear Molly – thank you – I love the carrie fisher quote. That’s classic. And true! Thanks for the support, too.

      Hugs,

      aisha

  12. Mick January 8, 2011 at 6:19 pm #

    I apologize for my gender. often we are ham handed insensitive jerks. all too often.

    • aisha January 8, 2011 at 6:40 pm #

      @Mick – {laughing} You don’t have to apologize for your gender! But thanks for the thought…

      love,

      aisha

  13. thesubmissivebf January 8, 2011 at 7:47 pm #

    I am sorry your relationship ended the way it did. I have been through that exact same circumstance and it left me with questions that will never be ansered.
    You will grow stronger from this experience and bring a new outlook to your next relationship. May you find happiness in 2011.

    • aisha January 9, 2011 at 4:14 am #

      @submissivebf – Thank you. I’m sorry you went through this too. I think at some point we have to decide what we’re going to believe anyhow though. I hope you’re right – at this point, I figure that personal growth is the best outcome! Thank you so much.

      aisha

  14. sweet kk January 9, 2011 at 7:03 am #

    i’m at a loss as to what to say because everyone else on here has done such good job saying it all… you are amazing woman aisha with so much to give… as a person and as a sub

    you deserve the fullness of everything you want and if Sir D was not the one to give it to you, the beginning that this ending affords will allow you to get there.

    perhaps a bit early to declare it, but if i may be so bold…

    here’s to new beginnings…

    kk

    • aisha January 9, 2011 at 7:51 am #

      Thank you, KK, I really appreciate your support.

      And no, really, it’s not too early to say it,is it?

      {imagine glasses clinking} To new beginnings.

      hugs,

      aisha

  15. cultivateddiscipline February 5, 2011 at 9:11 pm #

    I’m sorry, I’ve avoided reading the blogs because I haven’t been able to express myself and now weeks after the fact I find this, I am sorry,,, I will catch up,,, I may even post, huggs

    • aisha February 6, 2011 at 4:56 am #

      Hey – It’s good to hear from you. Sounds like you’ve been having a hard time; I’m so sorry to hear it… I hope you do post something. aisha

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