Beginning (Part V)

11 Jan

“That’s it,” He says.  “Good girl.” 

i didn’t think i could get deeper into this feeling, but those words take me there, as they always do – just a little deeper.   Bones melting, muscles dissolve.  Not my will, but His.

The slap on my pussy stings, and i press myself up, more open, offering more.  “Who do you belong to?”  He says.

“You, Master,” the words come easily now.

Another slap, two, three.  i moan, cry out.  i could not escape anyhow, the ropes on my wrists, my ankles are firm.  But i would not escape.  i accept. 

i offer more.

“Who owns you?” He says.

“You do, Master,” said with joy.

His hands lighly slap my breasts, then shift, smacking my inner thighs.  i struggle, squirm at this new assault, then settle into it.  Stretch to open myself more.

“What do You want?” He asks.  It is a catechism of sorts.  This one’s easy.

“To please You, Master.  i want to please You.” 

The words send shivers through me, as they always do.  More deeply now, i feel the rush of pleasue down my spine, my pussy clenches.  Almost an orgasm right there. 

“Don’t cum, slut,” He says.    i don’t even wonder how He knew, of course He knows.  “Don’t you dare cum without permission.”

i smile, “No, Master, i won’t.”  

His hands stroke now, teasing, alternate gentle touch with the slaps.  Fingers slip inside me and are withdrawn.  Tweak my nipples, a thumb perhaps, gentle, then pinching – o – harder – til i moan.  

And always i want more.

“What am i going to do with you, my slut?” He says.

And i respond, “Whatever You want, my Master, whatever You want.”

*********************************************************

And the problem now is that i don’t know what He wants. 

Mick’s comments have asked who He is and how Aisha ended up with Him.  But i don’t know!  i’m not sure who He is, how i ended up with Him, or what He wants from me next. 

***********************************************

Ok.  That might not be completely true.

i might have maybe sort of had a possiblity in mind.  You know, home sick for a week, playing on the computer, i start IM’ing with someone, next thing ya know i’m building castles in the frigging sand.

Yes, i know, too fast, too soon. 

It was lots of fun though.  And omigosh, there was so much about him that was amazingly just right.

Sigh.

He even came with a reference, so i could be pretty confident he wasn’t psycho-serial-killer.

And we were actually talking about getting together.  He was going to come here.    Until – we hit this glitch. 

He wants me to clear the whole weekend for  him.  And i’m ok with that, for the most part.  Absolutely.  i said the only “have to” on my schedule was church Sunday.

And that triggered something for him.  i don’t know why and i guess it doesn’t matter.  i think we both, as JM the amazing analyst would say, “fell into a complex.”  The question of whether or not i’d go to church while he was here became huge – for both of us.

i think i understand – for him, it’s “is she willing to put aside time to see what our relationship could be?”  i get that.  And i get that maybe it’s even more than that for him, if i don’t know exactly how or why.

For me, balancing my understanding of that, is a lifetime of lessons learned, mostly the hard way.  i don’t break dates with women friends to go out with a man.  i might buy new clothes, change my hair, wear make-up, to please him, but i don’t  quit my job.   i don’t let go of the things that make me who i am.

It’s not that i can’t miss church – of course i can, and have.  But i won’t promise to give it up for a man i’ve never even met. 

It’s feels too much like relationships where everything i needed to do for me was an argument.   A relationship in which what i was doing had value to him only if it focused directly on him.  {laughing}  And it wasn’t even a BDSM relationship. 

i couldn’t possibly go back to that crap.  i am far too old and wise.  i won’t give up who i am for anybody.

And i understand that he’s thinking – why should i drive all that way for someone who won’t even give up a couple of hours at church to be with me?  He may be thinking – i’m worth more than that.   And that even makes sense to me.  i get that.

Sigh.

So we’re at an impasse.  The biggest problem is that he’s offended that i told him i needed to think about it. 

Yeah. 

He thinks it should have been “a no-brainer.”

i should already know.

Sigh (again)

So.  Maybe i’m not even a “true submissive,” right? 

{laughing} 

Warning:  you may be entering bitter pity party zone – approach with a grain of salt!

Maybe i’ll get off CM forever. 

There’s some other guy i’ve been talking to, but i think he’s too D/s and not enough real relationship.  And he’s not local either.

Maybe i’ll start dating vanilla guys who are my male counter-part – old hippies who wear socks and sandals.  (Ok, i don’t do that, but still.)  We can go to protests, and draft letters and get signatures to send to Washington together, eat only natural food, and take the bus a lot.  Carry signs that say Stop the War.  Or whatever. 

He’ll be kind – wouldn’t hurt a flea – and wouldn’t beat my ass if i handed him the flogger.  Everyone will talk about what a perfect couple we are.

i’ll write all fantasy on here.  Won’t even tell him i have a blog.  And when we have sex, i’ll go away in my head.  i’ll  fantasize about being restrained and whipped and …. you know.  All of that.

Laughing.

Ok, pity party over.  It’s safe to unplug your ears.

And y’all don’t need to feel bad for me, ok?  This is not a terrible thing.  If it wasn’t meant to be, better to know that now, right?

And if somehow there’s still a little fantasy in my head that says we could work it out and have  a better foundation for a relationship because of it – well,i’m entitled to my little fantasies, right?

 

  

 

11 Responses to “Beginning (Part V)”

  1. sin January 11, 2011 at 7:45 am #

    I gasped in horror at the socks and sandals.

    Lots of people are turned off, maybe threatened by organized religion and the hold it has over people. That’s a possible that you didn’t mention.

    I hope your weekend works out. I think it would be worth meething him. Could you put it as a compromise… a “we’ll see”?

  2. Mick January 11, 2011 at 8:09 am #

    I am happy to volunteer to mediate this dispute….Don’t they still have that old guy who says Mass in TV on Sunday mornings..you could be tied to a chair, hitachi humming between your thighs….. but just a tad out of reach…. you have to stretch to get it to just touch that special place…. and the TV Mass could be on….

    sorry, or rather Mea Culp, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa.

    (It’s my inner altar boy kicking in).

  3. aisha January 11, 2011 at 8:31 am #

    @Sin – LOL – I know, the “socks and sandals” thing is truly a reflection of the depths to which one can fall…

    But good point on the “organized religion” thing too.

    The problem now is that he thinks I shouldn’t have “had to think about it.” Sigh.

    @Mick – You are too funny for your own good. LOL.

    I know. Maybe I was a little overly rigid.

    laughing.

    Just for the record – I would never, ever, never watch mass on TV. NEVER. With or without a hitachi at hand.

    ok – back to work for me. In the frigging snow…

    love,

    aisha

  4. Mick January 11, 2011 at 11:20 am #

    • aisha January 11, 2011 at 8:03 pm #

      Thanks, Mick!!!!!

  5. nilla January 11, 2011 at 1:40 pm #

    fucker.

    why can’t you take 2 hours to yourself? if you’re giving him Saturday?

    sorry, that one sends up HUGE red flags for this subgirl.

    Do. Not. Dare. Give. Up.

    (and don’t ‘settle’…that won’t work either)

    (edenfantasies has some lovely dildo’s on sale—just sayin…*smiles*)

    You have a sense of self worth that is impressive…don’t sell it short.

    as you say…come too far to backpedal…i feel a sense of….hushed anticipation for you ahead…

    and i think…you’ll *know* when it’s right…

    hug,

    nilla

    • aisha January 11, 2011 at 8:06 pm #

      Dear ‘Nilla,

      Yeah. There’s some red flags here.

      Sigh.

      I hope you’re right.

      love,

      aisha

  6. slave alisha January 11, 2011 at 4:38 pm #

    I’m thinking inviting him to go would not be on the menu? lol. Seriously though, this comment is more about your statement at the very end of your blog. There were a few things that M and I tripped over when we first got together. Things that would have splintered a couple apart who were NOT meant to be together. My point being, I am I guess, testimony that even if there are things to work out in the beginning, if you are able to work it out, it can result in something spectacular. Hugs to you…

    Oh yeah and I don’t believe in “too soon” lol. I think life is WAY too short to sit there with a calendar and clock trying to decide when the ‘right’ amount of time has passed. Who decides that anyway? lol YOU will know… and that’s all that matters.

    luv you!!!!

    • aisha January 11, 2011 at 8:09 pm #

      Funny – you know, actually, I can’t think of anything I’d like better than if he were willing to come with me. But no, I guess it’s pretty clear that’s not gonna happen… laughing, but not just barely.

      And I thought about you – when I was talking about it being too soon! LOL

      You know, it would have been nice if we could have worked it out. I need that – a relationship where you actually work things out…

      Thanks, Alisha.

  7. Molly Collins January 11, 2011 at 6:22 pm #

    Aisha,
    this is the very agnostic Molly talking…if he is one who is NOT into organized religion, he may just not get it. If he were me (and I am NOT into organized religion)…I would pause…for me the issues of politics, religion and sex need to be cleared up early…right wing politics (no way), religious (and please don’t be offended) is a nonstarter and not into sex (pass for sure)
    good luck
    love
    molly

    • aisha January 11, 2011 at 8:18 pm #

      Dear Molly –

      You know, what’s funny is – for the most part – I actually agree with your no-starter rules. There are all kinds of ways that people can be religious that would eliminate them for me. And your other two rules, for sure.

      thanks,

      aisha

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