CM and More

12 Jan

Ok, so Mick told a story, and ‘Nilla told a story, i guess it’s my turn.   i have a profile on collarme that i hide most of the time, but it’s been out for view lately.

So i get a message that’s just a link to somewhere else on the internet.  i start to ignore it – unknown links from unknown people – sounds like it’s a bad idea.  Then i see it’s to youtube, and i think well, maybe.  

And i’m curious.

But suspicious.

So i message back:  Who are you and what’s the link for?

Unknown Dom:  Just watch it – I think you might like him. 

Me:  {still suspicious}  Is it porn?

Unknown Dom:  No!  What kind of guy do you think I am??

Me:  {Laughing} The kind you find on a BDSM site.

Unknown Dom:  There’s more to BDSM than sex.  Are you new to this?

Me:  {Feeling slightly chastened} Ok, yes, i know there is.  i’ll watch it. 

So i watch it.  An incredibly handsome – movie-star handsome – young man sings a romantic ballad to an equally lovely young woman – it looks like it might have been from a movie in the ’80’s, maybe.  Ocean background.  Ever so romantic.

After i finish watching it, i message him:  Very nice.  Why did you want me to watch it?

Unknown Dom:  I think it’s the best one I ever did.

So i’m staring at my screen,  thinking – omigosh, of course it could be him, i suppose.  But even if it is, that was 30 years ago and – omigosh, it could also just be some random video he liked…  The internet is just weird.  So i message back.

Me:  Gosh, i don’t even know what to say to that. 

Unknown Dom who might have been a singer or movie star in the 80’s:  That’s ok, just don’t tell anyone I’m on here.  Keep my name to yourself.

Me: {leaving you to imagine what i’m thinking} Ok, don’t worry, i won’t.

Unknown Dom:  See you around, Princess!

And he was gone – like, yes, ok, like Elvis leaving the building.  But it wasn’t Elvis.  i can’t tell you his name – I promised.

On a more mundane note, we have:  Are you relocatable?  Not working sound good to you?  To which, of course, i reply – “Not relocatable at this time, and actually i love my job.  But thanks!”

And i’ve gotta wonder – does he really get responses from people who think they’d like to move and – what?  Live with him and be his slave?  I don’t know…

Enough CM.  We’re all on there looking for something, and maybe i seem just as ridiculous to other people.  i know the other day i was chatting with someone, and realized that i was talking waaaaaaay too much.  Of course, it was day 5 or 6 of being isolated in the house, so i felt a little bit the way i felt when i was at home with young kids.  Just desparate to talk to anyone.  But – when he suddenly said – Sorry – gotta take the dog out – ttyl – i thought – O.  Yep.  Talking way too much!  {laughing}

So i’ve been feeling kind of – sensitive is the right word i guess, but “raw” is what comes to mind instead.  Like all my nerve endings are right on the top of my skin – ok, of course they are, but you know what i mean.  i hope.   As if anything brushing against me is too much. 

i was IM’ing with a Dom last night – the one i mentioned yesterday who i thought was too much Dom and not enough relationship?  Well, we were chatting again.  i am cranky and not so much fun to be with at the moment.  And he was patient and kind.

i realized as we were talking how many things have happened in just a few weeks for me to absorb and deal with.  

My mother.

Ending my relationship with Sir D.  

Getting sick and being at home alone on a liquid diet for a week.  Being in pain.  Not the good kind.  My mouth is still healing – i’m still eating soft food!

Then yesterday at work, there were some more things, that i won’t go into, that were emotionally – distressing.

And i was disappointed.   A little bit hurt that things didn’t work out with BR, the Dom who quit talking to me because i wouldn’t immediately promise not to go to church if he came down for the weekend.  i spent some time yesterday trying to weigh out if i’d been wrong. 

Although – let me be clear – it doesn’t matter if i was wrong or not, because he wasn’t willing to really talk about it or give me time to think about it.  And that’s not ok.  It just isn’t.  And i haven’t heard from him again, so that’s that.

But i needed to think it through, and a friend sent me some challenging questions about it privately, so i’ve been toying with it in my mind.  Trying not to be defensive, trying to define why it’s so important to me to be there. 

And why am i doing this on what’s supposed to be a kinky sex blog, you may wonder?  i don’t know.  Somehow it all ties in.

So, my church is a small, liberal church, and we only have one service a week usually.  i’ve been going there since my first husband and i separated, about 14 years.  

And really, i started to do a bunch of explanations, but what am i doing?  i go because it feeds me.  And i go because it’s a rock, i know it will be there. 

i go because it’s spiritual exercise, and no matter how rough my week is, it’s better if i’ve gone to church.  i’m more grounded.  

My work is an exercise in balance.  i need to be open enough emotionally to empathize with people, and not so open that i can’t contain the pain.   Adding in the “supervisor” part of it now, i have to be able to hold the staff, the clients, and the organization all in that balance too.

i love my job.  To do it well, i need to be – like an emotional and spiritual athlete.  i know – that sounds goofy.  Don’t care.  It is like that.   And i’m not saying i’m some great emotional or spiritual – athlete.  That’s not the point.

i need to be able to be present for people who need to be heard.  To hear and understand without shutting myself off, and without getting overwhelmed.  A lot of the time, i don’t need to do anything.  i just need to be able to hold that moment with them.  

i need to be in balance – as much as possible.   When i get out of whack, i need to be able to regroup and get back up. 

Going to my church once a week helps me stay in balance.   But i’m not sure it matters what i’m talking about – if i said “Once a week, i have to stand on my head for a couple of hours -“

Well, it just seems like part of caring would be wanting me to do what i need to do to  take care of myself.

And i’m not talking about BR anymore, cause i know he’s moved on.  If that still makes me a little sad  – well, in the greater scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter.

When i was talking to – i’ll call him SD,  for now, for Serious Dom, cause he is.  And even though i barely know him, he has that Dom-ly knack of hitting the heart of what i’m feeling, and drawing the pain out.  And making my body tingle at the same time.  i don’t know how they do that -how he does that. 

It felt really good, even if it was just a few minutes in cyber space.  And it made my heart ache, made me want someone in my life.

But i can’t turn my emotional care over to someone else.  That would be crazy.  And certainly not to someone i haven’t even met yet.  Not BR and not SD.  Not anyone.

Ok, long boring post, but good for me.  It snowed again, and for some bizarre reason, they didn’t close schools., which would have given us a two hour delay.    So it’s time to go.

Don’t – please don’t feel sorry for me or anything – you know, i really am ok, and i will be.  Sir D told me once that he thought life was supposed to be easy, but that’s a strange concept to me.  i think it’s a hard journey, and worth every step.

7 Responses to “CM and More”

  1. greengirl January 12, 2011 at 8:21 am #

    Aisha,
    From everything you’ve written, it’s clear that you know you, and you know your mind and what you value. Staying true to ourselves is really all any of us ultimately has control of. So, not that you need me to approve or not, but I think you’re absolutely right. And it’s great to read the thinking through process, I know i can use insight about this sometimes. Thanks.

  2. nilla January 12, 2011 at 8:52 am #

    Church is more than a collection of hymnals and mantras…it is the sum total of the collected spirits gathered there.

    Church is a place to connect…not just to “that-which-you-hold-holy” but to others who are needing to plug in, too…

    And therein lies the essence of spirituality, i think, that collection of spirits, gathered together in harmonic enterprise…whether reciting together, or singing…letting spirits rise, unfettered, and free to recapture the energies that swirl around us all…

    i get why you need that.

    and i am glad you are not ‘settling’ but that you are unsettled.

    it’s hard being alone…tho i will tell you totally honestly..there are times i crave it, as i am almost never alone, and it makes me *crazy* with the need for silence.

    i will continue to send whammies to you, dear one, that He finds you, you find Him…and that needs and time mesh together in that perfect harmony…

    nilla

    • nilla January 12, 2011 at 8:55 am #

      *proofread nilla*

      i am not glad that you are unsettled. sheesh. remember that lack of silence…dau ran in here no less than three times while i was replying…sigh…

      i am glad you haven’t settled, and hopeful that you won’t remain that way for too much longer….

      n

  3. Mick January 12, 2011 at 12:16 pm #

    We all need some place that makes us feel comfortable and connected and respected for who we are. If Church is that place for you, then you are lucky to have it. and no one, not even a Dom has the right to take it away.

  4. aisha January 12, 2011 at 7:28 pm #

    @GG – Thanks so much – you know, you’re right of course, I don’t need anyone’s approval, but it’s nice to feel understood. Thank you!

    @’Nilla – Yes. That’s it. Thanks for finding the words. And – laughing – it would have been ok if you’d said that you were glad that I’m unsettled. Sometimes that’s where we need to be… But yes, keep sending those whammies for me. 🙂

    @Mick – and you expressed what I feel too. Thank you.

    But thanks still to everyone that had different opinions and made me think it through!!

    aisha

  5. strivingforpeace January 12, 2011 at 7:49 pm #

    things that are easy

    are not worth having

    hugs

    sfp

    • aisha January 12, 2011 at 10:03 pm #

      So true. hugs… aisha (glad you’re not on a vacation from reading blogs!)

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