17 Jan

Thanks to everyone who left comments on yesterday’s post about “coming out.”  More comments are welcome on the subject any time. 

Just a follow up thought i had – one thing we can all do is not trash talk people whose sexual peccadilloes become public knowledge.    Simple enough to shrug and say, “i don’t care what they do in the bedroom,” or words to that effect.   Wouldn’t want to be like the anti-gay political figures who suddenly come tumbling out of their own closet, right?

So, on a whole different note, SD (Serious Dom) is out of the picture, and i’m not back on collarme, but i’m still talking to BR.   He’s funny, and interesting, and both of those qualities go a long way with me.   And –

– he’s written me some fantasies of his own.

Yes, really.

And gives me permission to quote from them here.  So, for example, he writes:

“she came to him naked from the shower….she sat as she had been taught….naked on floor……her butt on her calves, feet behind her, head bowed, hands palm up on her knees…..several times, she raised her hands, centered her breasts and returned hands palm up to her knees….he went to their toy  box, took things out and came back to the edge of the bed where he sat….she crawled to him…… “

The fantasy goes on, but i’ll stop here.  Can i just say how much i love the idea of being with someone who can – who would – write his own fantasies too?  How much fun would that be?  We could collaborate.  Take turns adding to it.

It sends shivers through me just thinking about it.  Makes me squirm.

There are a lot of things i like about BR.   That excites me – and scares me too.  My impulse is to try to leap into relationship with him, and really, i know better than that.  

Holding the tension of maybe.   Staying open to all the possiblities.

Better to think about something else.

Ms. Constance, in her workshop, BDSM 101, talks about the differences between a top, a Dom, and a Master; a bottom, a sub, and a slave.  Of course, i’ve read and heard the distinctions before, but it’s still interesting to hear someone else define them.  And she emphasizes that it’s not a progression of better.  A slave is not better than a sub or a bottom.  It’s not good – better – best.   We are just different.

She notes that someone may be simply “an exhibitionistic masochist” – the person who just shows up at parties hoping to be tied up and beaten.   Who may not be submissive in any way.  Nothing wrong with that, of course, but that’s very different from being a sub or a slave. 

It’s important to know who you are.  What you’re willing to give up.  To identify your strengths and weaknesses – and to recognize that often, they’re the same.  Our strengths are often our weaknesses, and our weaknesses, our strengths.

i try to apply the things she said to myself – because otherwise, what’s the point of going to a class, right?  And i’ll talk about that at some point.  But today – i want to think about the things she said about Doms.  

She said the difference between a Dom and a bully is consent and responsibility.  The consent part is clear –  at least it seems like it is right now.  The responsibility part is more difficult for me.  i think –

– it seems to me – and i might be wrong, and i don’t want to malign anyone – but it seems to me –

that P, the man i first called Sir, was only responsible for my well-being when we were playing.  O -wait – i take that back.  He was my GPS before i had one.   And still would be, i think – if i were lost, which we all know can happen to me without warning in  places that should be familiar – i could call him and he’d talk me through it.  Yes.  And he generally stayed in touch with me, which was nice and felt good.  i don’t know if he felt a sense of responsibilty about that or not.

i think that D mostly felt some responsiblity for me when we were playing.  In some ways maybe when we were together, but i think almost not at all when we were apart.  Which, based on Ms. Constance’s definitions, would make our relationship more of a top/bottom relationship.

i think that it must be difficult for someone to feel a sense of responsibility for me, because i am really so competent.   i really don’t need someone to lean on or someone to guide me in many ways.  So it would have to be – {laughing} – value added. 

As close as i’ve come to that was Mike Moore.  That’s not his real name, although, if he were still alive, i assure you he wouldn’t care if i used his real name.   Mike was the man who made me realize it was really ok to be submissive.  He was such a Dom – without ever calling himself one. 

Mike wanted to take care of me, in all kinds of ways.  For example, when i spent the night at his house, sometimes, i’d go walk in the early morning, while he was still in bed.  Usually, i followed pretty much the same route, but one day i went out of my way and explored a bit in a different direction.  When i got back, he was up and dressed, and getting in his car.

“Where ya going?” i asked, surprised.

“Going to look for you,” he said, all grumpy.  “Usually you’re back in 25-35 minutes.  Forty-five minutes, i gotta go see what happened,” laughing, “Gotta go  find your ass.”    

Understand, it would not be novel for me to come back late and discover someone pissed off because he’d been worried.  But to be going out to look for me?  How cool.

Mike used to say, “I want you to be my baby.  Mike Moore’s baby.”  It wasn’t age play – for him, it really just meant that he intended to take care of me. 

He made up rules and ways to demonstrate that.  i wasn’t allowed to light my own cigarette – he always did it for me.  (Yes, i smoked back then, don’t anymore.)   But i would get out a cigarette and have to wait til he noticed and lit it.

i also wasn’t allowed to open my own car door.  It’s an odd feeling – and somewhat seductive – to wait patiently for him to release me.  Almost a form of bondage.  {laughing}

Well, Mike Moore’s dead now, God love him, and we’d broken up anyhow.  You know, maybe there’s too many strings attached to someone else feeling responsible for me.  Maybe i don’t get to have a submissive relationship outside of playtime, i don’t know.

It makes me wonder – how do your Dom’s take responsiblity for you?  Or (if you’re  a Dom) in what ways do you take responsbility for your sub?

One thing about BR, it seems like he’s realistic.   Domly enough, but not so much that he’d just be all Dom all the time.   And he seems like someone who could talk about stuff like this, about us.

Holding the tension of maybe…

P.S. If you subscribe by e-mail, and you got 2 e-mails today, it’s because i accidentally hit “Publish” part way through this and had to back up and unpublish it…  sorry.


6 Responses to “Responsibility”

  1. sweet kk January 17, 2011 at 8:15 am #

    first a comment about such a resonant turn of phrase “Holding the tension of maybe.”… palpable in its simplicity… i get it completely… and love it… thanks for that!

    as for responsibility, i hear you… it was hard for me to create room for Sir’s responsibility because i had a lot of it covered. i mean, i managed to create a pretty decent life for myself long before i met Him.

    that said, i realized that there was a part of me longing to hand over some of that responsibility… to be honest, i was holding onto it so tightly, keeping it all under control that it was exhausting

    but then i oversteered and tried to give up almost all of it to Him… when He said ‘I decide’ i wanted to believe Him so badly… but i lost myself in the process…

    so now we’ve found a happy medium, i think. He decides on what He wishes to decide on… i serve up most things to Him (beyond basic life management things like work and paying the bills) and He decides first whether He will decide… and then He decides.

    i’m not always perfect in serving it up… to be honest, it can be a pain in the ass when i just want to make a decision and go… but at the same time, i have valued His ability to parse out ideas, to look at them in a more balanced way and to guide me in ways that, while i might not always choose for myself, i realize i am mostly better for.

    i don’t know where this puts us on the spectrum you describe… i have written about Sir wanting a Master/ slave dynamic, though i don’t think we’re there (yet?)

    great post… thank you!!

  2. greengirl January 17, 2011 at 8:19 am #

    Maybe my situation is different from most – we both have responsibility to each other, to ourselves, to the family – the normal, every day, married stuff – who’s where, are we out of milk, are we making the best decisions for our kid’s needs, etc…

    He has started feeling ok to feel responsible for me on a much different level though, am i doing my best, making choices that are good for me – and true to me, should i push more here…. This feels like an unwelcome, intrusive imposition sometimes. Then that uncomfortable challenge to my inner self triggers something and the imposition makes me feel – well – all those submissive feelings – which of course makes me want to meet his challenge, to try harder or push more.

    I don’t think that the structure of our marriage allowed him to feel that it was right to feel that kind of responsibility previously, but i think he always wanted to. Does that make any sense?

  3. xantu January 17, 2011 at 10:45 am #

    I think the ‘responsibility’ side of being a Master was what made my (then husband) Master somewhat avoidant of taking on this new role. He was already controlling but the idea of being consistently controlling, to having to monitor or even remember was perhaps, more than he really wanted to take on.

    He wanted me to be able to pilot the ship myself. It took him a while to realize, that I could pilot and he could navigate. It is a funny balance, he wants me to walk passively on hand but will jerk my arm and growl at me if I at any point seem to trust his guidance too much and in his eyes, seem unaware of the car approaching.

    It is hard to express, the push and pull of submission and independent thought, a delicate balance.

  4. Mick January 17, 2011 at 10:53 am #

    I think Molly and Mick sort of take care of each other…. with some areas where we are a bit on our own. after 20 years, you sort of tacitly agree on your “duties”, and of course some things just slip between the cracks.


  5. Hisgirl January 17, 2011 at 1:27 pm #

    Here’s a rather newbie question.. What exactly is the different level of responsibility for a Top/Dom/Master?

    And how would I go about finding a local class to join?

  6. nilla January 17, 2011 at 2:00 pm #

    this is an interesting post and i need to think more on it…Sir B and i have redefined our relationship…and thus far?

    he’s gone from what i would before have called top, to a Dom. Working towards Master status.

    things there are in evolution,’s good. really good.

    Your Mike sounded like a hella guy.

    You know what i love bestest about you? Your willingness to be fully open about you, your needs…”maybe there’s too many strings attached to someone else feeling responsible for me.” And being okay with who you are…?


    As to the fantasy writing Dom…yes. Kewlness. (i’m grinning here)….hold the tension, aisha…just keep holding and see what grows in the spaces between …



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