Response to Comments – and more

18 Jan

It’s been fascinating for me reading the comments in response to “Responsibility” and hearing youall describe the ways your Doms or your Masters take responsibility for you. 

i don’t have a clue what that would be like. 

i understand Kk talking about not feeling like she needed someone to be responsible for her, and then getting carried away and handing over too much responsiblity.   But when she says:

“so now we’ve found a happy medium, i think. He decides on what He wishes to decide on… i serve up most things to Him (beyond basic life management things like work and paying the bills) and He decides first whether He will decide… and then He decides.

i’m not always perfect in serving it up… to be honest, it can be a pain in the ass when i just want to make a decision and go… but at the same time, i have valued His ability to parse out ideas, to look at them in a more balanced way and to guide me in ways that, while i might not always choose for myself, i realize i am mostly better for.”

Nope.  Can’t imagine.  Would that be like – if i couldn’t decide whether to go to a workshop or a pot luck, i’d tell Him about it and he’d pick?  {laughing}  i know i must sound ridiculous, and i’m not against the idea, but seriously, what decisions would i “serve him?”  (BTW, i love the way you put that , Kk.  Very cool.)

Gg says:

“He has started feeling ok to feel responsible for me on a much different level though, am i doing my best, making choices that are good for me – and true to me, should i push more here…. This feels like an unwelcome, intrusive imposition sometimes. Then that uncomfortable challenge to my inner self triggers something and the imposition makes me feel – well – all those submissive feelings – which of course makes me want to meet his challenge, to try harder or push more.

I don’t think that the structure of our marriage allowed him to feel that it was right to feel that kind of responsibility previously, but i think he always wanted to. Does that make any sense?”

That does make sense.  And you describe it in a way that appeals to me, i think.  There are a lot of things these days that i’m not taking care of as well as i could.  Would i be better off if there were someone i trusted pushing me to make the right choices about some things?  i don’t know. 

Part of me thinks that i need to get there myself.  And part of me is open to the idea that someone else helping to hold me accountable would be a good thing.  But i need the relationship first, of  course.

Xantu says:

“I think the ‘responsibility’ side of being a Master was what made my (then husband) Master somewhat avoidant of taking on this new role. He was already controlling but the idea of being consistently controlling, to having to monitor or even remember was perhaps, more than he really wanted to take on.

He wanted me to be able to pilot the ship myself. It took him a while to realize, that I could pilot and he could navigate. It is a funny balance, he wants me to walk passively on hand but will jerk my arm and growl at me if I at any point seem to trust his guidance too much and in his eyes, seem unaware of the car approaching.”

i’ve experienced a controlling man who wasn’t a Dom, and i know that won’t work for me.  That’s not about me at all, it was about getting what he wanted with little regard for anyone else.  But the person who Doms me will need to be willing to put the energy into being a Dom, and into me.

i mentioned before that i’ve been reading this amazing book called Master:  The Unauthorized Autobiography of Master R.  One of the things he says is:

slaves drain energy, take thought, demand compassion, extract attention…”  (p. 39)  He says:  “The price is always commensurate to the rewards.  The more of your slavesoul you offer, the more you receive.  The more of your Domlust you let them suck out, the greater the payback.” (p. 40)

He says much more than that, but it is clear throughout – being a Dom – or a Master – is a great deal of work, if one is to do it well.

Hisgirl wants to know:

“What exactly is the different level of responsibility for a Top/Dom/Master?”

i don’t pretend to be an expert here – but the way i understand it – a Top takes responsiblity for a scene.  He or She is in charge of the scene.   Once the scene ends, and “aftercare” is given, if necessary, the responsibility ends.  

At the other end of the spectrum, a Master, as Ms. Constance says, “owns property.”   So it seems a Master would be responsible the same way one might be responsible for um, a pet.  Or a valuable piece of furniture.  

A Dom, i think, falls somewhere inbetween.  i hear the idea that the Dom or Domme has an – image – a vision – of what the sub could be at her or his best, and works to get them to achieve that vision. 

(BTW, Hisgirl, thanks so much for reading and for commenting!  As far as i know, checking on fetlife for local events and opportunities would be the best way to find classes or workshops.)

Mick says:

“I think Molly and Mick sort of take care of each other…. with some areas where we are a bit on our own. after 20 years, you sort of tacitly agree on your “duties”, and of course some things just slip between the cracks.”

i see that.  i don’t think youall have that kind of dynamic – it seems like you have kink on top of a loving marriage.   It’s probably easier for me to imagine that too. 

Nilla says, of Sir B:

he’s gone from what i would before have called top, to a Dom. Working towards Master status.

things there are in evolution,’s good. really good.

She adds:

Your Mike sounded like a hella guy

And here’s the thing – Mike was “a hella guy.”  Bigger than life, and a real sweetheart. i started to say he didn’t have any vision for me.  But thinking about it, he did have a vision for me.

Unfortunately in his vision i became a political conservative and a racist (really.)   In his vision, i  recognized that God is male and women are inferior.  

You don’t have to know me real well to know that’s not going to happen, ever, in this lifetime.  And of course, when he pushed on me to change in that direction, when i recognized that he really did think he was spritiually more worthy than i was, then i had to go.

Ok, so clearly i have no idea what this part of D/s would be like, well, other than knowing that i’m not going to change who i am.  So i have no idea if i’d like it or not, do well with it or not, if it really did help me be more of who i am.  i am curious.  i’d like to explore the concept, but it would have to be with someone i really trusted.   Well, of course.

And right now, i have a ton of things i need to be doing other than sitting here imagining what it would be like…  {smiles}  But i love all the input and feedback you’ve been giving me – tell me more about what it’s like, if you want to…

7 Responses to “Response to Comments – and more”

  1. Mick January 18, 2011 at 5:46 am #

    Sounds like Mike wanted to have you lobotmized. But other than that he was pretty cool. He must have had some rather appealing upsides to compensate for that one big downside.

    • aisha January 18, 2011 at 6:15 am #

      Orgams, Mick. I hate to say it, but orgasms. Like 30 or 40 small ones, a couple of “rock my world” ones. A day. 5 or 6 days a week. Some before work. Some after. Some more before bed.

      In a few months, he made up for every time i’d had sex and not had an orgasm over my lifetime. I made Molly look like a slacker…

      And we had this “we won’t talk about our differences” agreement for a while. I didn’t know he was just biding his time.

      And he was funny. And sweet. And really funny.


      Ill have to tell stories sometime…


  2. sin January 18, 2011 at 8:05 am #

    Responsibility – hi, I missed yesterday’s post.

    Lots of things to think about here Aisha in terms of my own relationship but might take longer than I have this morning to write them down.

    I did want to comment on Mike and what he wanted you to be. Like a political conservative and a racist and to recognize that God is male and women are inferior. Really?

    Political conservative I can see. I’m a liberal (Canadian, eh?), my Owner is a Southern Republican. We talk politics endlessly, each trying to convert the other to the one true path. So far, no luck, but lots of info exchanged. And I would never ever have believed I could love a repub. Who knew?

    Racist. No way. It would bug me if he was. It would bug me even more if he wanted me to be. No dice. Funny how that’s a no go for me.

    God is male? You know I think God is everywhere, but there’s enough of the Sunday school mentality left in me to visualize God as male and not be bothered by it, especially as long as I don’t examine it too closely.

    And thinking women are inferior? Mine wants to be the boss, wants respect, gratitude, and a ton of other things. He wants to be in charge of me. But he doesn’t think women are inferior. And he certainly doesn’t think that *I* am inferior to the average guy. And yet there’s a part of him that totally gets off on being served and being submitted to.

    Just my 20 cents worth. Yeah I said I didn’t have time, and I never did get to the responsibility part.

    • sweet kk January 18, 2011 at 4:43 pm #

      “… He wants to be in charge of me. But he doesn’t think women are inferior. And he certainly doesn’t think that *I* am inferior to the average guy. And yet there’s a part of him that totally gets off on being served and being submitted to.”

      yep… cause there is *that much more* power in knowing that He owns a clever girl.

      Sir is the same way.


  3. Hisgirl January 18, 2011 at 9:09 am #

    My Master and I have been together for almost 2yrs now, but for that first year things were more towards the vanilla side of the relationship.. He tried owning a business and it gave Him to much stress to do much else.. So right now we are struggling with just how much responsibility He’s willing to take vs how much I want Him to take.. Thank you for that answer, it helped a lot. I just joined fetlife and am still exploring. Ill definately look those up. 🙂

  4. sweet kk January 18, 2011 at 2:53 pm #

    believe it or not aisha, yes. the workshop vs. potluck example is a good one. i do, indeed, check with Sir as to which He believes i should go to… this is also the opportunity for me to mention which i would prefer and why and often, it makes sense to Him and will go my way but sometimes…

    well… sometimes, He sees it a different way. or sometimes, He needs to stretch His Domly “I decide” muscle… either way… it’s His decision.

    the place where i struggle the most is that this process requires me to be patient… and wait for His response, which while timely is certainly usually not immediate (which would be my drothers…) 🙂

    but it’s good. because, to be honest, this is an area that i needed to work on… being patient… and He knows it… and sometimes stretches it painfully to make the point.

    and i hate it at the time

    but, in the big picture…

    i’m grateful.


  5. aisha January 19, 2011 at 5:17 am #

    @Sin – yeah, it’s interesting, and I appreciate you sharing what you had time to share. For sure, Mike’s outlook on life was a huge barrier to any long term relationship with him. Although – just for the record – he didn’t think I wasn’t as smart – he just thought his opinions meant more cause he was more like God. Weird, I know. Anyhow, thanks for sharing your perspective. I’d love to hear more sometime on responsiblity.

    @Kk – yeah, i can see that. Nice…

    @Hisgirl – So you’re in the beginning phases of all this – I wish I were… Friend me on fetlife if you want to…

    @Kk – Ok, thanks for clarifying that. That’s interesting, and I can see where it might be helpful to have that outside perspective. Sometimes I end up deciding more on what I want than on what’s going to reach my long-term goals. Thanks again for all your input!!!!


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