Negotiating

22 Jan

Are you all sure you want to take this stupid roller coaster ride with me?  i love the company, but sheesh, this is not so much fun.

BR and i want to meet.  i might want it more than he does, i don’t know.  i want what he calls “the 5 minutes at dunking donuts” – those first five minutes where you think, “O, yes,” or “O, no.”  Call me silly, i just want to know.

So yesterday we spent hours IM’ing, trying to figure out how to make it happen.  He lives about 10 hours away from me.  We talked about meeting half way.  We talked about me going there.  We talked about him coming here. 

We talked and talked and talked.

Now, understand that unlike most of the people i know, BR doesn’t have a public profile.  At all.  No facebook page, no linked-in, no fetlife profile.  None of that.  i haven’t seen a picture of him.  Haven’t heard his voice.

He’s used three different names at different times with me, one of which is his real name.

Understand that the “reference” he gave me is a woman who lives kind of near me, but who i’ve only communicated with via e-mail.  

Call me silly, i just don’t see how i can, in good conscience hop on a plane and fly out to Where-He-Lives.  i think there really are  risks in that i don’t want to take.  It doesn’t feel safe.

And at some point in the negotiating, he agreed with that.  He said he could see that it wouldn’t be a good idea.  He said that as a “Master” he was responsible for the well-being of his “property” and he could see that doing that would be a risky move for me.

So we negotiatied an understanding about him coming here.  Understand, this was a tough negotiation for both of us.  Hours, we spent hours.

Finally, i agreed to his terms.  48 hours together, forgoing my usual activities.  The same thing that i wouldn’t agree to just a week or so ago.

i agreed to 48 hours as play partners, unless it turns out that we are just totally incompatible.  He agreed that if we are just totally incompatible, he wouldn’t even want to play and he’d leave me alone.  i agreed that i’d at least give it – the relationship, the play partner thing – a chance.

This was not an easy negotiation.  We spent hours.   At the end, i’m tired, happy, and eager for him to come see me.

i go to eat dinner – just in my kitchen  – i am only gone for about 50 minutes.  50 minutes.

i come back  – he’s looking at air fares, fussing about how expensive they are.  Next thing i know, he’s talking about flying me out there

????????????????????????????????????????????????

So i’m a little confused.  What happened to that whole conversation we had about him coming to me the first time?  Just the first time, mind you.  Not every time for ever and ever.  But what happened to the agreement????

Apparently it was gone.  Out the window.  Forgotten, as if it had never happened.

All those hours of negotiating...gone

So i’m trying to understand – not just his sudden need for me to come there, but how the whole conversation we had about why it was important for me to be safe could be gone.  What’s the point of reaching an understanding, if it doesn’t last an hour?

Then he accuses me of having a hidden agenda, that i must have some reason why i want him there – and it just goes down hill from there, cause i get pissed.  And then he tells me he doesn’t handle people being mad at him well, he tends to withdraw – and i think –

you stir me up, don’t keep our agreement, accuse me of i-don’t-even-know-what –  and when i finally get mad, you tell me you can’t handle that and you’ll withdraw????

 -fuck this

You know, i was looking for a Dom when i found this one… {laughing}

And you know, here’s the thing, when we were talking the first time about it, i didn’t say i definitely wouldn’t come out there.  All i said was that we’d have to figure out what i’d need to feel safe about it.

What’s gotten to me now is that the agreement we had didn’t hold up for an hour.

Ok, so we end on a gee, it’s been nice to know you, good luck in the future.   And i go to bed resigned – and maybe relieved.  No more holding the tension of maybe.  It’s ok, i know how to move on, right?

Get up this morning to find a long e-mail from him.  He references an experience he’d told me about-  driving 12 hours to meet someone who stood him up because the pictures she’d sent him weren’t what she really looked like.  It goes on to say a lot of other things, but the bottom line is –

- here i am again. 

         Back in the frigging realm of maybe.

 sigh.

 

 

20 Responses to “Negotiating”

  1. Mick January 22, 2011 at 6:31 am #

    you may need a mediator…..like in the Godfather… when one of the “neutral” crime bosses works out a “meet” between Michael Corleone and the corrupt cop …. but you shouldn’t have to hide a gun in the ladies room.

  2. hidden slave January 22, 2011 at 6:47 am #

    hmmmmmmmmmmmm….remember the feeling of having the “heebeegeebeeies?………………..its called self preservation….be sure…be safe.
    HSxx

  3. sweet kk January 22, 2011 at 8:01 am #

    sorry that’s you’ve ended up where you are, but perhaps a bit wiser for it as well (??) i’m with HS… trust your gut… know that you deserve the “right” thing… stay open… and it will come…

    kk

  4. strivingforpeace January 22, 2011 at 8:28 am #

    ok — if it were me?

    I would say, “yes — fly me out there”

    here’s why

    what if you don’t like him?

    and he likes you

    then you’re in this werid spot – because you’ve agreed to play — of playing with someone you don’t want — of saying — “please get on a plane and leave”

    if YOU don’t like him — you have the power to look at your imaginary watch on your wrist and say “Gee – look at the time — gotta go!”

    and then drive you ass back to the airport and leave.

    I know this is all about power exchange?

    but you haven’t made the switch yet — keep a pinch of power for a bit

    sfp

  5. sin January 22, 2011 at 8:31 am #

    Yes. I think SFP is exactly right. Go to him, that way if you don’t click at all you don’t have to figure out how to get him out of your house, out of your life.

  6. The Beast January 22, 2011 at 8:55 am #

    sfp makes a really good point. And the whole thing feels a bit odd to me. But those awkward beginning stages often are, whether they turn out good or bad… in any case, stay safe. Good luck.

  7. The Beast January 22, 2011 at 8:59 am #

    But then again there are risks involved in going to “his territory” too. You could be walking into any number of situations. Shoot, I’m not sure what the play is here. Maybe a neutral location?

    Sorry for the extra post, it’s just the more I think about it, the more I’m not sure. I’m sure you will come up with the right move though.

  8. Property of Mrs C January 22, 2011 at 9:50 am #

    Signs are all there that this guy is no good. If he cared about you and your comfort at all he would not have forgotten your agreement in one hour. Only way I would do this is if he got a hotel and you met in a public place and see where it went….

  9. slave alisha January 22, 2011 at 10:56 am #

    I know that at first when my Master and I started to arrange meeting we were going to meet halfway. Neutral territory for both of us. He also had a horrible experience with someone He met and He was leery.

    But just the other day he told me that we’ve gone WAY beyond the worry of the first meeting, lol. And that’s true for us. So I am going there because when He moves, He’ll be moving here to be with me and the kids and He wants to show me where He lives.

    He sounds like He really wants to meet You. Hence the long email after you all said goodbye, lol. And that’s a good thing in my opinion. Do what you feel the most comfortable with sweetie.

    Even though he’s a Dom, He sounds worried too (not for his safety, but it sounds like he’s afraid of being hurt himself again.) So try not to get too hung up on the change of plans, and see if something can be worked out that BOTH of you will be excited and comfortable with.

    Good luck and I hope it goes well however you decide to meet.

  10. aisha January 22, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

    So, i love you all soooo much, and i agree with every single thing each of you has said.

    Do you know how crazy that’s making me?

    @Mick – you may actually have the best suggestion – with ‘no guns’ stipulation…

    @HS – right? thanks! My mother used to say something gave her “the heebeegeebeeis” – i guess that’s how you spell it – lol. But yes.

    @Kk – Exactly. Thank you. Trying to stay open and let things evolve for me… either with him or someone else!

    @Sfp & Sin – Right. I thought about that. How do I leave if i’ve got a plane ticket for a certain day/time? We’re assuming i have a rental car, i guess? But i’m still not going to be able to change my ticket, am i? i don’t think – can you do that? And really – here’s the thing – one of the things – did you see the part where I don’t have any confirmation of who he is or that his life is any of what he says it is? what if this guy really does turn out to be serial psycho killer?

    @TheBeast – yep, Sfp does have a good point – and thanks for coming back with your second thought, cause that’s right too. At least if he comes here, I have resources, friends nearby. If I go away, I could be walking into anything.

    @Property of Mrs C – Thank you for commenting! Yes. It sends up a zillion red flags, doesn’t it? I agree – what you’re saying would make it safer.

    @Alisha – You are right – and wise. We need to back up and figure out how to make it work…

    Thank you all soooo much for your thoughts and concern!!!

  11. Will January 22, 2011 at 2:48 pm #

    Don’t do it. I would also never suggest playing the first time you go to meet someone, BDSM or otherwise. I would also strongly suggest not using a plane, frankly if things go bad in some way I wouldn’t even want to wait for a cab. I don’t want to make an opinion of him because I don’t have all the information and furthermore, you should listen to yourself about whether or not he’s someone you should or want to be with.

    A 5 hour drive is a pain in the ass, but worth it yes. I’d strongly encourage a town mid way between you two and going on a date. If your looking for a play session you don’t need to drive that far. If it leads to that get a hotel. You only know what he’s chosen to share about you, and you don’t want to be stuck at all in his homefield advantage and you don’t want to give up the protection of your homefield by showing him your turf either. If he’s unwilling to sacrifice the better part of his day/night at least once what about when it comes to something more important?

    • aisha January 22, 2011 at 6:39 pm #

      @Will – yes. And you’re right too. It’s like having a chorus of different voices in my head, and this is definitely one of them.

      Thank you!!

      aisha

  12. nilla January 22, 2011 at 10:21 pm #

    are you kidding me?

    That would make me insane. okay, you work in mental health..not insane…how about crazed?

    The one thing i will say is…at least he’s interested. 10 hours is a huge distance…but if you click IRL…

    i dunno, sister, how you see this filling you as a full-time relationship…tho if the emails and im’s help…it may all be good.

    i know that LDR’s *can* work…

    even tho i’m not LDR with Sir B…we don’t see each other as often as either of us would like…and the texting and emails keep us connected.

    Follow your heart, sweetie…but listen to your gut, and be safe…(i can be your emergency contact if you need one…let me know, okay?)

    love,

    nilla

    • aisha January 23, 2011 at 4:55 am #

      @’Nilla – laughing -yes, it is making me a little insane. Crazed. Whatever you want to call it. I know, a LDR makes no sense for me, does it?

      Thanks for the offer on the emergency contact – I’ll keep you in mind for sure, and might take you up on it.

      aisha

  13. Hisgirl January 23, 2011 at 8:35 am #

    I wouldn’t do it either.. Master and I met online. The ONLY things that made me feel a bit more safe was that Master sent me a few pics of Him, we talked on the phone for a minimum of three months and He let me choose the when, where and how we would meet. He demanded that a contact of mine was in the know of what I was doing and HE gave her His number and His driver I.D code in case I didn’t come back when We told her I would be..

    He doesn’t seem like He’s taking your nerves or sense of safety seriously.. BIG red flag there.. Oh and I also suggest driving so you do have an out if things don’t work out..

    Best of luck hun.. Be safe in your choice!

  14. Hisgirl January 23, 2011 at 8:38 am #

    Oh and I sugest a webcam session if your still not satisfied..

  15. Hisgirl January 23, 2011 at 8:42 am #

    Master Ngt: if you insist on doing this let everyone you know (that’s in the know) know where your going, and make it a very Very VERY public place. But don’t do it lol.

  16. aisha January 23, 2011 at 11:46 am #

    @Hisgirl – Yes. Thank you. Got it. Honest.

    aisha

  17. Hisgirl January 23, 2011 at 9:56 pm #

    Sry hit publish to soon. My Master wanted to comment…

    • aisha January 24, 2011 at 2:51 am #

      O, how sweet – I thought that was what your last comment was, but wasn’t positive. Please tell him thank you very much for me.

      aisha

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