Thinking

23 Jan

BR writes:

“As she lay on the bed, she had closed her eyes.  The better to focus on his each and every touch of her.  His gently inserting the hook into her, snugging it into place, fingers inside her getting it in and adjusting, and along the way, he was sending her body messages of love – tender touches of hands as he worked with her, gentle brushing hands, fingers on her as he got her body ready for the coming activity.  Periodically stopping his other activities to run hands over her calves, thighs, butt, pelvis, stomach, cupping breasts, gently rolling and tugging nipples – telegraphing her the message he loved her, her body very much, making sure she knew.  Sight had detracted from that so she had closed eyes to focus just on the touch….”

Really – if that’s not a lovely fantasy…  You know, i’ve never experienced a “pussy hook,” –  so of course i google it:

A tail hook is approximately a half-inch thick and has a ring on the straight end for a rope attachment. The curved end is inserted into either a vagina or anus. Tail hooks that are not pussy hooks are sometimes referred to by the term ass hook. …

The pussy hook (a.k.a. pussy hanger) is a special model of tail hook. It has a sharper angle and longer shaft than a normal tail hook. It is also thicker than a normal tail hook (approximately one inch thick). Some models have a ring at the end for a rope to be attached (much like the other hooks). Anchor shaped double pussy hooks exist for two simultaneous users.

Pussy hooks that are silver in color are commonly referred to as the “Silver Clit-hook”.

In the fantasy, he talks about using one with  a padded ball at the end so it doesn’t do any harm…  But it’s a fantasy, right – this is not Plan A.   And i promise i haven’t totally lost my mind.  

Well, maybe i can’t actually promise that, but i don’t think i have.

i got a message on fetlife last night from a friend who’s spending the winter in warmer countries.   In the nicest way possible, he says:

“Might it not be better to take a breather for a while, examine yourself and your desires, before you allow another Dom to, well, dominate you?

Yes.  Of course he’s right. 

Interesting that part of what draws me to BR is the intense arguments, the negotiating.  He has come back saying yes, he needs to come to my space.  Which leads me back to the other part of the agreement – the play part.

You know, back a couple of years ago, i met a man on a vanilla dating site.  i’ll call him T.  Nice guy – he lived in a midwestern state about 12 hours away.  We e-mailed each other for months, talked on the phone some, and grew very fond of each other.

So after a while, he decided to come see me.  Now, understand, we had only talked as friends, we hadn’t been romatic or sexual at all.  He was in the middle of a divorce, and we hadn’t discussed our relationship other than as friends.

But of course i was wondering.  i suppose he was too. 

By a fluke, i was going to a two-day workshop in a city a couple of hours away from home.  So it ended up, he drove there, i rode to the workshop with a co-worker, and when the workshop ended, i rode home – to my home – with him on Friday.

He stayed in a hotel for the weekend, and we continued to be friends.  We did vanilla things, talked and laughed.  We never touched each other, until we hugged good-bye when he left.

To this day, the whole visit has a sort of surreal feel to it.  He never came back, and we pretty much quit e-mailing each other not too long after that, although, we’re still fb friends. He never bitched about having driven 12 hours for “nothing.”  And i didn’t feel bad about it. 

So why on earth did i agree to “play” with BR?

Um.

Because i want to.

Which does raise that whole “slut” concept…  o, dear.

But that’s the point of meeting for us, really, isn’t it?  To see if we’re compatible that way?  And really, he knows it needs to be consenual, whatever we agree to do.  And he promises that if i really didn’t want to, we wouldn’t.  

But what would be the better thing to do? 

Yes, normally i like to observe the 3 date rule.  But – am i going to make him come down here, not play, then i go up there and not play, and then maybe meet somewhere inbetween?  i don’t see that happening.

Ok, maybe this is crazy.  i don’t know.

Anyhow.  There’s time to think about it.  Time to back out if i need to.   Given the mountains between us, we”ll wait til spring anyhow. 

 
 

This would not be a good idea...

And yes, maybe i do need to continue to back up and think.  To breathe.  To be in touch with myself…

5 Responses to “Thinking”

  1. nilla January 23, 2011 at 11:14 am #

    wouldn’t it be nice if it weren’t so fucking hard???

    so many questions.

    so few answers.

    only advising…be safe. His fantasies are lovely…but we want you to be safe, aisha.

    and you are a little slut (takes one to know one!!) so i know exactly what you’re going through as you yearn for one to call “yours”…

    You have a great and strong inner voice…listen to it…always always always…not just the trickle of fear…that can be lust, too…but if your gut says..whoa…then listen.

    love…

    nilla

    • aisha January 23, 2011 at 11:48 am #

      @’Nilla – I’m hearing you, I swear. You and Hisgirl and everyone… may have to do a new post later today. But yes, i’m hearing you.

      love,

      aisha

  2. Mick January 23, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

    actually it makes sense to me. you are both grownups. the 3 date rule need not apply.

  3. sin January 23, 2011 at 3:52 pm #

    So here’s the thing. I think that with most people that you meet online, you wont actually want to play with them in person. You like this guys mind and he likes yours, but when you meet his body you may not be so convinced. And I don’t mean that he may have sent you a 12 year old photo, I just mean maybe there won’t be a thrill.

    I suggest you not commit to playing. And then if he seems sexy and you want him when you meet him, these email negotiations totally count as dates and you are at at least date number 3.

    sin

  4. aisha January 24, 2011 at 2:46 am #

    It’s nice to have other input, Mick and Sin. Although it does help keep me in “maybe” land.

    Thanks.

    aisha

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