…Maybe 12 or 13 years ago…

24 Jan

… i worked with a woman named Shawn.  We were good friends.  She started dating a man, i’ll call him Dan.  She liked him a lot.

She hadn’t been dating him very long when everyone else began to notice some serious red flags in their relationship.  i noticed them too.  She even noticed them.  She’d tell us a story and she’d say, “That’s a red flag, isn’t it?”

And we’d all nod our heads – therapists, social workers, psychologists, eating lunch in the staff lounge, nodding our heads, “Yes, Shawn, that’s a red flag.”


It was a red flag


She was a therapist too, so she knew about red flags.  And she kept dating him.

After a while, she’d tell us a story – she might say, “Gosh, he got really upset last night cause I was 10 minutes later getting home than I said I’d be.  He practically yelled at me!  Well, not yelled exactly, but he was really mad.  Of course, he explained it was just because he was worried about me.”

And someone would say, “Shawn.  That’s kinda – don’t you think that’s kind of a red flag?  You’ve only been dating for two weeks, does he think you have to answer to him?”

“Oh, no,” she’d say, “It’s not like that.  He just really cares about me.”

By the fourth week they were dating, she’d tell a story about what had happened and people at work were practically yelling at her, “This guy’s a jerk!  Why can’t you see that?!!”

“Really?” she’d say, “Do you think…  – I just think he’s insecure.  He just doesn’t know that I really like him.” 


There were many red flags...


By the fifth week, she’d quit telling stories about him at lunch.  “They just don’t like him,” she confided in me.  “They don’t understand.”

At the end of the sixth week, he got mad at her for something.  He called her a fat bitch and hit her.

We marveled at it later, she and i, how she’d gone through the whole cycle of an abusive relationship in 6 weeks.  Experienced the whole thing, from that first seductive stage of total attention and positive affirmations right up to the first hit.   He even sent flowers the next day.

She had been living a cliche.  And bright as she was, insightful, and educated, she had been lost in it.  As if there were a huge blind spot – she could describe what was happening, and yet couldn’t see it.

It was a great experience for her as a therapist – crazy though that may sound.  But it helped her understand what it was like for her clients – and helped me just watching her go through it.  If she could be sucked into that, then anyone could.

That was one lesson i took from that.

The other lesson was to listen.  i promised myself that if i was ever in that situation, if people around me were saying, “That’s a red flag, That’s a red flag,” then i would listen to them.

So i am listening now. Not just to the comments on my recent posts, although yes, definitely.  Also to the kind private message i got from a fellow blogger’s Sir, pointing out the red flags. 

And – i deeply appreciate it.  i am not saying, “They just don’t understand.”

And Sin is right.  She said, “You like this guys mind and he likes yours…”  That’s true.  And i haven’t shared  all kinds of things that i like about the way he thinks, because that suddenly seems more private. 

But i need to say – i’m drawn to him.  There is something there that reaches out to me.  You know, i think that BDSM is to the vanilla world as the subconcious or the shadow side of ourselves is to the ego.   So if there is “work” for my soul there, i don’t want to turn away from it.  i just need to figure out what the work is.

So here’s my plan.  

i will slow down.

i will enjoy the on-line thing we’ve got going, and be patient.

i will not meet him anywhere, or even plan on meeting him, until we’ve talked on the phone a number of times.  If i’m still not comfortable, i’ll ask him to get a web camera so we can have face to face contact.

When we do meet, if we meet, it will be in a way that makes me feel comfortable.  We may play, or we may not.  i won’t make any committments ahead of time. 

i’ll make sure i’m setting limits as we go along, and watching the interactions between us.  i won’t quit talking about him.

And we’ll see what happens.


12 Responses to “…Maybe 12 or 13 years ago…”

  1. strivingforpeace January 24, 2011 at 5:23 am #


    and Aisha?

    get some sleep.


    • aisha January 24, 2011 at 5:25 am #

      Yeah, i know. But it’s ok – i’m up cause i got called for a jail triage – in my last few hours of being on call. That’s the only reason i got up and started my day… thanks.


  2. Mick January 24, 2011 at 5:55 am #

    good plan, AIsha.

  3. sweet kk January 24, 2011 at 6:02 am #

    Listening is sometimes hard, i find… Especially when i’m knee deep in the thrill… Good for you for pausing… For breathing… For listening…


  4. greengirl January 24, 2011 at 7:21 am #

    I’m really glad. If he’s worth having, he’ll wait and be patient too [those mom-isms really are true].

  5. sin January 24, 2011 at 7:32 am #

    Sounds like you’ve found a good compromise.

  6. thesubmissivebf January 24, 2011 at 7:42 am #

    If only I had listened to the red flags in past relationships maybe I could have saved myself some heartache. Listen to yourself and good luck.

  7. nilla January 24, 2011 at 8:14 am #


    good thinking, clear. And i understand the tug. It’s so terribly easy to get sucked into it…because we crave the attention so much.

    This one time, i *listened* to my own red flag warning. A guy on collar me was…tooooooo eager. Wanted to hook up right away. And kept…pestering. And all the flags were waving, klaxons going off…he may well be the sweet guy he portrayed, but i’m glad i listened to my voice and stopped.

    and it was hard because the attention was so flattering. Especially after next to none with Sir…it was overwhelmingly delightful…

    i’m glad you are as strong as you are…just keep open to the Universe and she will answer…



  8. hidden slave January 24, 2011 at 8:27 am #

    Phew! Sometimes getting caught up in the heady rush blinds us…I’m so relieved you have stepped back and formulated a plan….enjoy the anticipation .:)

  9. yesthankyousir January 24, 2011 at 8:33 am #

    Applause!! I like this plan

  10. slave alisha January 24, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    great plan aisha. 🙂 hugs

  11. aisha January 24, 2011 at 8:09 pm #

    O my – have i mentioned lately that I love youall?

    Sfp and Mick, Sweet Kk and greengirl (yes, those momisms are true!), and Sin, the submissivebf, ‘Nilla, and hiddenslave, yesthankyou sir, and slave alisha – I’m so glad I know you all. Thank you so much for the support and the caring.



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