Alchemy of the Heart

28 Jan

i used the phrase “alchemy of the heart” in my post yesterday, and then googled it to make sure it implied what i thought it did.  i’ve gotten interested in the concept of alchemy. 

Alchemy is the ancient art of transforming base metal into gold; it is an act of taking a lower substance and transforming it into a higher substance. The alchemist was also attempting to make his soul transform from an ordinary nature to one of spiritual wholeness. It was symbolically seen as the transformation of the personality. It was an inner change of an individual which led to peace, meaning and the integration of the entire personality.

Googling “alchemy of the heart” lead me to all kinds of resources, but i was particularly interested in a book by that name, written by Michael Brown.  Among many other things, a review of the book says:

“The journey is about allowing ourselves to feel life—to be present in each moment, fully awake, so that we really experience everything. There is no destination to arrive at, no spiritual goal. Instead, we are offered the chance to participate actively, responsibly, and creatively in our lives, instead of living as victims to whom life chaotically “just happens.”

A brief glance at information about the author reveals that “Michael developed an acutely painful neurological condition called Horton’s Syndrome. After four years of suffering through conventional medical approaches, he embarked on a quest to integrate his experience through personal inquiry.

As Michael’s quest for resolution unfolded, he began entering a state of being he called “present moment awareness” – a paradigm of heightened consciousness running parallel to our conventional and mundane world experience. He discovered that his repeated entry into this enlivened state of being, which he accomplished through ceremonial practice, plant medicines, and what he calls “consciously connected breathing,” resulted in a decrease of his own painful condition to the point of complete integration.”

All of which is at odds with the whining i’ve been doing lately.  You know, i think whining is just anger that we don’t want to express, so i had planned a temper tantrum for today.  Better to have an honest fit of anger than continue this “i’m not happy, i’ll never have a Dom, why don’t i have a Dom, it’s not fair,” thing i’ve been doing.   

So – foot stomp – i want my Dom, NOW.  (stomp)  i’ve BEEN a good girl!!!  (stomp)  i don’t WANT to wait!  (stomp)  It’s NOT FAIR!  (stomp, stomp)  OTHER people have Doms.  (stomp)  i want one too!!!!  NOW.

Ok, whew, this tantrum stuff is exhausting.  {laughing}  i guess i’m done. 

And maybe now that i’ve expressed the whining and the tantrum, i can move on.

Some things are shaking loose in my vanilla life that had been – i didn’t realize how much they were weighing on me.  i’ve been behind on some things at work for months now, and between vacation and Christmas and being sick, i didn’t think i would ever, ever, ever get caught up.  But i got a big chunk of it done yesterday.

i’ve also had some professional plans that have been moving at the speed of glaciers melting.  It looks like that’s about to take a huge step forward, so that’s a relief.

i still have to plan my Mama’s funeral, and i haven’t even started on that, but, yeah, maybe i’ll feel better if i start moving on that too.    Pre-planning – she’s still with us, but fading and Hospice is involved and you know, better to do it now…

AND – on the plus side – i have an appointment with JM, the amazing analyst today!  That’s pretty exciting.

But mostly i want to remember that all of what i feel is valid.  It’s not necessarily about moving to radical acceptance, even though that’s where i prefer to be.  The whining and tantrums are valid too, and part of who i am.  Maybe somehow they’re all part of that alchemy i’m working on.

6 Responses to “Alchemy of the Heart”

  1. Mick January 28, 2011 at 8:13 am #

    nothing like a good tantrum.. I encourage Molly to release that anger with a good cropping of me, but sometimes she forgets….

  2. nilla January 28, 2011 at 8:18 am #

    sounds purty damned integrated to me, aisha.

    pardon me for giggling at your tantrum? but i did. (perfect pic btw!!)

    i’m trying hard to live in the moment…i’ve always been a forecaster except for the last two or three years… having an autistic son made me long ago work to quell a lot of my impulsive behaviors..maybe there is something to be learned from having such impulses from time to time, as part of the whole “integration” lifestyle? i need to think about that some more.

    above all that…You are loved….

    sending you warm fuzzies…


  3. sin January 28, 2011 at 8:48 am #

    Sigh… remember having that stomping, lying down child in the grocery store? Yeah, I get that your post isn’t about that but … still.

    Yes I think you are entitled to your feelings and to live in the moment and express them. Of course you are, they are your feelings.

    And if someone came into your office and said I’m unhappy and frustrated and I want a relationship that works NOW and oh my mom is dying and I’ve been behind at work, what would you pick out of all that?

    Big hug. Be easy on yourself. Yes it would be fantastic if you had a partner who could support you right now. Instead you have us. And maybe your kids? And maybe other people in your real life? But for sure, us.

  4. yesthankyousir January 28, 2011 at 9:06 am #

    Agreeing with sin and maybe I could use your exact tantrum words for a tantrum of my own. 🙂 so aisha get mad get frustrated, I think we try to live a pseudo existence sometimes saying; I’m alright , it’s just fine. Throwing out that you are pissed off isn’t a bad thing, it’s being human.

    Lots of love to you and your family.

  5. aisha January 28, 2011 at 9:18 am #

    @Mick – So maybe what I need is my own sub to beat? Hmmmm, I hadn’t even considered that possibility.

    Thinking, thinking, thinking…

    Nah, don’t see it working for me. {laughing} Nice for you and Molly though!

    @’Nilla – I cannot believe you laughed at my tantrum. Hmpf.


    That’s pretty much what happens when I try to have them in real life too though. I get more respect if I do the cold, look at you over my glasses angry mode… But that’s ok. This tantrum was just for me – so there.

    And thanks for the love. I’m taking all the warm fuzzies I can get…

    @Sin – Ok, so you can be my therapist! Really, when you put it that way “If someone came into your office…” yeah. And you know – it had not really occurred to me til you said it, how much of it is about wanting that personal support.

    Not that I don’t appreciate you and the blogging world and my kids and my sister and friends. I do.

    Thank you!

    @yesthankyousir – You can use my tantrum any time you like!! {laughing}

    And you’re right. I do. I think I’m always supposed to be ok, and really, that’s just a rule I made up for myself, not an actual law or anything. Thanks.


  6. sin January 28, 2011 at 10:34 am #

    Isn’t that one of life’s truths right there? “And you’re right. I do. I think I’m always supposed to be ok, and really, that’s just a rule I made up for myself, not an actual law or anything.” We are so damn hard on ourselves sometimes.

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