Vanilla – can you say…

1 Feb

…Vanilla?

Cause that’s what my date was last night.   Pure Vanilla.   Vanilla Extract.

 He had actually figured out what i meant by my o,so cryptic “enjoy living life on the right side of the slash,” and proved it to my satisfaction by simply saying, “You’re submissive, right?”  Um, yes, right….

So he talked about how he had once dated someone who was submissive, but it didn’t work because he wasn’t “the courterpart of that” and “when they have to tell you how to do it, it just can’t be the same.”  And i agreed, no, it really can’t be.

He proceeded to tell me about his last four relationships, each of which had lasted 4 or 5 months.  Since it had been over a period of a couple of years, i had actually already heard about the first two, that first time we met about a year ago.  But i didn’t say anything.

Then we established that i really wasn’t interested in a relationship without kink.  He was funny, he said, “Yeah, I guess it wouldn’t be the same.  Kind of like a woman who likes motorcycles, and I pull up in a Honda Accord.   It doesn’t matter how good my personality is or how well I drive my Honda Accord, it’s just not gonna do it for her.”

i laughed, and agreed that yes, it is a lot like that. 

So it was a pleasant enough hour, with no real energy between us.   And that’s ok too.  i have all kinds of vanilla things i need to focus on anyhow. 

If there is some Dom out there just right for me – well, it’s just hard to believe that there is.  Donna and ‘Nilla and even JM, the amazing analyst, are holding that hope for me.   Sometimes i think it could happen, but mostly i’m skeptical.  At least, i don’t think there’s gonna be one that lasts.

You know, i don’t regret any of the relationships i’ve had.  i’ve learned and grown from all of them.  Some of them have been relatively short, and some of them have lasted years.  And sometimes i think that’s the path i’m on forever – that i’ll just keep having different relationships, in a never ending series.

Which would still be better than not having any, right?   i guess –

– really, you know, i believe that life is about love.  Learning to love and be loved.  The men i’ve been with have taught me so much about that, even when it wasn’t all good.   Well, of course, everyone teaches us about love, youall as much as men i’ve known, {laughing} just not in the same way, right?

And ultimately, it’s about me becoming more of who i am, discovering how to be who i am more genuinely, more deeply, more intensely.  Which then lets me love more genuinely, more deeply, more intensely.  But then i start to think, well, that means i deserve to have some One, that special just-for-me, forever-and-ever One. 

But it’s not about what we deserve, at least i don’t think it is.  If it were, animals wouldn’t be abused, small children would be protected, and the world would be a better place.   Instead –

– well, here i am, back to accepetance.  i appreciate youall doing this dance with me once again – in a frenzy of wanting, kicking and screaming – to not wanting at all, letting go – to that realization once again – that here i am.  Open and waiting.

There’s a song – and i just spent too much time trying to find a version that i really liked – this is as close as i can get:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3FC8Y_ceTI&feature=related

Don’t start thinking i’m some funamentalist Christian, i’m really not, not that i’m judging anyone who is, but i’m really not.  There’s just something about that song that speaks me.  Cause you know, really, it is – it’s me, it’s me, it’s me, O Lord, standing in the need of prayer…

 

  

8 Responses to “Vanilla – can you say…”

  1. sweet kk February 1, 2011 at 6:03 am #

    good for you for at least giving it a go… better to try and know for sure than never know at all!

    you are doing so well Aisha… keep breathing and it will come… i’m sure of it!

    kk

  2. thesubmissivebf February 1, 2011 at 6:35 am #

    Just keep putting yourself out there and one day when you least expect it…he will find you.

  3. Mick February 1, 2011 at 6:39 am #

    So is that this guy’s idea of snappy patter: filling you in on past relationships….? What’s that about?

    • sin February 1, 2011 at 7:26 am #

      Oh Mick, I’m shaking my head, you wouldn’t believe some guys’ ideas of snappy patter.

  4. nilla February 1, 2011 at 8:42 am #

    so many things i want to say…and not enough time to do them all justice.
    so i’ll send you a private email later after sons dentist appt….

    just know that your “love philosophy” totally echo’s mine.
    it is our “primary mission” here on this part of the Wheel.

    And really…you would not be who you are today without those many, varied experiences.

    And you remain open, and we (and i)…will continue to stand in a circle around you, holding hope in our hands, and knowing that joy awaits…

    Hug,

    nilla

  5. Donna February 1, 2011 at 10:05 am #

    Not meaning to be critical of Kermit, but you remember the old kissing frogs adage, right? Keep swimming.

    Okay, now go see this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjfdfU-uaPQ&feature=related

    • nilla February 1, 2011 at 2:58 pm #

      OMFG Donna…..i was rollin’ with that one…wickedly funnah ….

      nilla

  6. aisha February 1, 2011 at 9:27 pm #

    @Kk – Thanks for the support! I need it…

    @thesubmissivebf – Maybe… we’ll see, right?

    @Mick – LOL – omigod, yes – well, what Sin said – you have no idea… and obviously it’s standard for him, cause the first two relationships he described were just what he said a year ago.

    @Sin – you cracked me up! You are sooo right.

    @’Nilla, Thank you, soul-sister of mine. Yes, tell me how you see it… and thanks for the love.

    @Donna – {laughing} omigod, you’re soooo right. Cause you do gotta kiss a lotta frogs…

    thanks,

    aisha

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