Living Double

5 Mar

It’s an odd feeling sometimes – living two lives.   While i’m walking around living my day-to-day life, there’s this whole other world teeming with activity.

Youall know what i mean.

It’s not that my mundane world is unconsequential.  It isn’t.  Things happen that are important, that i care deeply about.

It’s not that the two worlds are separated inside me.  They’re not.  In fact, inside me is the only place that they fully come together.  

For some people, their sex life is something shameful that they keep boxed up inside themselves, trying not to let their “good” self know what they’re thinking and feeling.  For me – for some of us in the kink world – it’s the opposite.  We’ve embraced that part of ourselves. 

 The split is not internal.  For me, the split is external. 

And it’s not really a split between sex/other.   It’s kink/vanilla – at least for me – which is a whole different thing.

 Like two streams of reality that come together only inside me.

It feels a little strange sometimes.

It may be different if you live with your kink partner.   Like Mick and Molly – you can share all aspects of your life.   And if there’s a little split cause no one knows about the dungeon in the basement, like Mouse and Omega, well, it’s a shared secret.

For me, this last week has been a little odd.  The weekend with MoR was a big deal, on several levels, and then i come back here and there isn’t a ripple to be seen.   My life continues undisturbed – this part of my life.

Here – thank goodness – i can talk about it.  Process it.  Introduce Him to my friends, so to speak, in a blogosphere kind of way.

But in my other “here,” in IRL, some people know i went somewhere for the weekend, and that i met some man.  But i have so little i can say beyond that. 

Yes, i liked Him.  Yes, i’m glad i went. 

What did we do?  Ummmmmmmm ~

         ~ we talked.  We talked a lot.  {laughing…}   Yeah, it turned out we had a lot in common.

And that’s about it.

So it’s been odd, this last week, as if my life is a little off-kilter.  Sometimes, it’s the other way around, and my mundane world is shaking and moving while my kink life holds still. 

And i’m not complaining – i do have some people who cross the barrier, and i could get more invovled in the community here, right?  i could have gone to the munch last night.  Probably should have. 

But it’s hard for me to go by myself.  {i know, Sfp did – i was sooooo impressed by that!}  And you know, i go to bed early, it’s hard for me to stay up without someone else encouraging me!

And it was raining.

And i didn’t have anything to wear.

{laughing}  Ok, i could have found something to wear.  Do i sound whiny yet?

i don’t mean to.  i’m not complaining.  But i realized when i was talking to JM, the amazing analyst, yesterday, that part of my reason for seeing him is that i can process both worlds there.

i don’t know where i’m going with this – maybe not going anywhere. 


Is there a touch of sub-drop here? 

Well.  Why wouldn’t there be? 

That’s ok.  

It is what it is.


i just discovered that March is question-and-answer month in the blogosphere.  If you have any questions for me, ask away.  i’d be delighted to answer.

14 Responses to “Living Double”

  1. Mick March 5, 2011 at 6:40 am #

    Yeah, we get it. At least we have the secret to ourselves, but it’s a shame that our local “friends” can’t be in on the secret. Mick..

    • aisha March 5, 2011 at 7:17 pm #

      Well, they’d be more interesting if they had the added layer, wouldn’t they?


  2. strivingforpeace March 5, 2011 at 7:22 am #

    SFP went by herself

    aaaaaand hated it

    I might not have fled like a scared rabbit if I had a buddy

    and I get what you mean

    my vanilla life is all but snuffing out my kink life for a few days


    • aisha March 5, 2011 at 7:20 pm #

      @Sfp – yeah, but you still get major points for courage. I already know a bunch of people there, and still don’t want to go by myself.

      But thanks for being understanding.

      We miss you over there at Jumping on In – I’ll be glad when you get the vanilla/kink balance right again.


  3. thesubmissivebf March 5, 2011 at 7:50 am #

    The other day at work an article came out in a local paper about sex clubs around S.Florida. Everybody was talking about it, how weird you would have to be to go there, etc. I piped up and said I’ll bet you would be surprised at just how many kinky people are around you everyday. I wanted to continue and raise my hand to say and I’m one of them. But I didn’t, but I wanted to.

    • aisha March 5, 2011 at 7:22 pm #

      @thesubmissivebf – I love that you said that! Probably a good thing you didn’t add that you’re one of them, but I think it’s great that you said anything.



  4. sin March 5, 2011 at 8:13 am #

    Funny – as I read I thought “But Mick and Molly have us as their secret” and “Yeah SFP went alone but hated it and bolted.”

    I think the thing is that we are thinking kinksters and new enough to it that we see influences and overlap in both directions and we want to haul all that out into the daylight and examine it and we can only do that in one direction… So of course we want a bit more of the other too.


    • aisha March 5, 2011 at 7:26 pm #

      @Sin – Yes, I think you’re right. The overlap is all over the place, so sure, we want to explore it and play with it and make sense of it… in both directions.



  5. xantu March 5, 2011 at 10:37 am #

    I so get what you are saying. I have trouble with socializing with people who are vanilla. The thing Master and I have goes so far beyond sex and ropes and whips… it pervades every aspect of our life. From waking up in the morning to falling asleep at night, it is like all of me and the vanilla face I put on for work and other places has begun to feel like a mask. I feel like that I am keeping so much of myself hidden that it takes on a sense of unreality.

    • aisha March 5, 2011 at 7:27 pm #

      @Xantu – Yeah, I can’t imagine what it would be like to have the secret life going at that level all the time. I wonder if Mick and Molly feel like that too? That sense of unreality – I’ve felt a little bit that way this last week. Weird. And interesting.


  6. KellyRed March 5, 2011 at 3:21 pm #

    With that first sentence, I thought, Aught Oh, sub-drop. You sounded a little removed from everything. Hugs.

    What W and I are doing, and the way our relationship is evolving, is so fantastic and wonderful,so important to who I am, that I want to share it so badly. You know that your friends want you to be happy and would like to celebrate those things that make you so happy, but you can’t, because you know that most could not make that leap, even if they wanted to.

    More and more often from friends,I’m getting “What are you and W doing? You seem so much more in love? What’s your secret?. There are very few that I can give the actual secret to. So I say communication, a partial truth. TTWD makes me so happy I want to share it, and that is the hardest part.

    • aisha March 5, 2011 at 7:30 pm #

      @Kelly – {laughing} yeah, the sub drop thing didn’t occur to me til the end, but it’s lurking from the beginning, isn’t it? Thanks for the hug.

      I think it’s fascinating that your friends can tell the difference without having a clue what’s different. How – cool and odd and I don’t even know what else. But no, it’s not the kind of thing we can share with just anyone.


  7. Donna March 5, 2011 at 9:08 pm #

    Hiding in plain sight. It’s a part of the lifestyle that we accept from the very beginning, and I wonder if, on a good day, the secrecy adds another texture, another stimulant to our lives.

    Think about going without panties to a formal event, or knowing that if your clutch purse opens accidentally, that little vibrator is going to come rolling out.
    Doesn’t it bring a smile knowing that others aren’t aware of what you are doing? Maybe that secrecy actually makes it all the more exciting. Is that possible?

    • aisha March 6, 2011 at 4:29 am #

      @Donna –

      Yes, of course you’re right – the secrecy is just part of it, and yes it is part of the thrill… ok. Yes.

      And I guess that’s what I’m complaining about. Yes, of course it is – but somehow it felt like I was complaining about the lopsided feeling it’s giving me. Same thing though…

      Thanks, Donna.


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