6 Mar

It’s the intensity. 

i seek it everywhere.  At work.  At home.  In my spare time.

Seeking a Dom to hand it to me.  A master to move me.   Someone to take me deeper into myself, someone to take me completely outside myself.

Hidden Slave writes about it with great power and beauty.  

Is it the pain that does it?  The pain that transcends? 

i don’t know.

Shades of Blue writes about it.   Her tales remind me of – forgive me – a novice nun.  About to move into a High Protocol House, and it reminds me so much of stories i’ve read by nuns on their path to the convent.  

Sin writes about it too, the intensity, the seeking. And ‘Nilla – we all write about it.  Being taken out of our selves – and led into our selves.


Is it greedy to want that all the time?

Not necessarily want it from a Master.  If it has to come from Him, then it has to be limited.  No one else can bring that to us – to me – all the time. 

If i have to get it from Him – whoever “Him” may be – it’s restricted.  But ~

      if i can figure out how to do it myself… 

O.  Ok.  i think i’ve got something here ~ ok.

It’s mindfulness, right?  It’s being totally present, totally connected, totally in the moment.   And it’s being totally gone – not there – sub-spaced out. 

He can give me that, through pain, or through intensity.  Through touch.  Through manipulating the environment.

But people who walk on hot coals do the same thing.  So did  saints with their ecstatic spritual experiences.

And we get it through serving too.  It doesn’t have to come through Him, right?  i mean, “He” gives me the opportunity to serve, to lose myself in giving, but that’s me, not Him.

When i worship His cock, i slip into that space – He is allowing me to use Him to take my self there…

…i don’t know.  i think i have a hold on this and then it slips away again.

“He” is God.   We look for some form of God.   i look for some form of God-ness.   Not necessarily God-in-the-Sky, not necessarily a God of rules – although…  ok, maybe yes, maybe a God of rules.

A God of love though.  i think.

And see ~ here i am ~ lost again.  i don’t think i’m seeking ~ i don’t want the Puritan God who’s rigid and mean.  But it needs to be a God with rules ~ but rules that  i can obey…

… No, lost again ~ damn it. 

Backing up.  In the moment.   The key is being in the moment… whatever i’m doing.

So what happens when i have an intense experience like last weekend with MoR ~ in the power exchange, i give Him my power so He can take me there?  Is that right?

Then i come home and my vanilla life seems flat and mundane and unbalanced.  i’m not really here, because i’m still there.

Ok – so that’s the unbalance.  Instead of being fully present in my every day life, i’m holding on to the powerful intensity of the kink experience – ok, the powerful intensity of being with MoR.   

But that’s just one way to get there.  i’ve carefully created a life for myself that allows me to have all kinds of opportunities to experience different kinds of intimacy and intensity.  

And anything becomes intense if you focus on it.  

i’ve been listening to music this morning ~ another way to get the effect.  Try listening to this, and imagine cock worship at the same time…

i picture myself kneeling in front of Him ~ for me, it has to start that way if i’m going to do it right…

i picture His cock, barely starting to get hard.

i look at it ~ take it in my hand ~ gently ~ with great love…

i breathe on it, feeling it swell more as i do.  Slowly, tentatively, i lick lightly at the head, feel it twitch in my hand…

my mouth is moist, wet, as i slide it over the head of His cock.  It slides easily, my mouth embraces him, my tongue moves in a swirl, absorbing His taste, feeling Him grow.

i linger, tasting, touching, sucking lightly… pull back and run the tip of my tongue around the rim.  He is swollen now, His cock throbs in my hand…

i slip Him into my mouth and move farther down on His shaft, allowing Him to slide deeper in, inch by inch… moving back and then farther down with each thrust…

His hand on my head is gentle ~ an affirmation, i am doing well.  He strokes my hair affectionately…

Ok.  Enough of that.  Just making myself uselessly hot and bothered.  And now i’ve forgotten where i was going with this ~ o, yeah ~

mindfulness ~

     ~ so whether i’m focusing on the music or on cock-worship, the power to be in the moment, to feel that tingly pleasure ~ it comes from me, or from the Goddess within me… just like His power comes from God, the God within Him.

And that means ~ maybe ~ maybe that means that i can take the power and intensity that MoR and i create in play and bring it to my mundane, everyday life.   Maybe when i feel unbalanced, i need to grow my every day life.

Damn it.

i don’t really like that thought ~ it creates work for me.  It would be so much easier to wait for MoR to pop back in and hand it to me.  But noooooo ~

i have to frigging try to create it myself…


10 Responses to “Seeking”

  1. Mick March 6, 2011 at 7:06 am #

    Well said, Aisha…..

    • aisha March 6, 2011 at 7:47 pm #

      Thanks, Mick!


  2. sweet kk March 6, 2011 at 7:20 am #

    transcendence is the word that comes to mind as i read this… beautifully said, Aisha… and lots to think about here!


    • aisha March 6, 2011 at 7:51 pm #

      Thanks, Kk – I agree. I went and looked up transcendent and quotes and found this:

      “It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”
      — Ralph Waldo Emerson

      which is not at all the same thing, and yet felt right. thanks!


  3. sin March 6, 2011 at 11:35 am #

    Yes, this is good stuff here. It is mindfulness, being in the moment, being present and attentive to the moment. It’s about intensity.

    You can get bit (at least I can) through yoga or religion, creating art, music, all kinds of other ways. And I think you are right – it’s work to get to it.

    For me, the most common way to get it, without Him is yoga. Breathing. Taking time. Being present.

    • aisha March 6, 2011 at 7:53 pm #

      Thanks, Sin – I read what you’re saying and I think I really, really need to take up yoga. aisha

  4. nilla March 6, 2011 at 2:27 pm #

    long before i discovered kink, vanilla life was mundane. okay it was way beyond mundane, it was a fucking muddy rut that i was stuck in. Diapers, and laundry and butts and mouths to wipe…i LOVE my kids but trust me, the day to day grind is intense and boring in the extreme. Even with special projects, i do things with full-on intensity, and my spouse (in a legacy from her mother) wants things done NOW and RIGHT…and don’t make a mess doing it….

    high expectations, but i do it. Okay, wallpapering a room might take two days, rather that one these days, but…that makes for a bit of “intensity” in the “banilla” (Boring Vanilla) days…something different, exciting, a little “pop” to light me up.

    D/s gave me that pop.

    still does.

    Writing it, reading it, experiencing it, gives me that rush of …as you say, intensity. Sucking His cock can be different every time. Being fucked, while “fundamentally” the same…..isn’t. Writing about sex…well, not too many repeats in my stories, and it’s been over 600 posts thus far.

    i guess what i’m sayin’ in my loquacious way is that it’s very hard to live at that level of intensity. Most of us keep D/s as a portion of our lives, not the full of it. I don’t think any of us could live with that level of….intensity. (and wouldn’t it make it less…special? if we did?)

    i think you’re an excitement junkie.


    (aren’t we all??)

    love you,


    • aisha March 6, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

      You’re giving me lots to think about ‘Nilla. Might be a whole ‘nother blog post.

      I agree – I don’t want my whole life to be D/s, or even the same level of intensity. But I feel like what I get from D/s needs to feed back into my vanilla life and enrich it. I don’t know…

      Thanks for giving me your thoughts, I value them – and you.


  5. blue March 9, 2011 at 10:44 pm #

    Thank you for the mention! I read this on my phone and can’t comment through it. I have been busy this week, but will write about my postulant standing. I haven’t thought of the House as a convent. But I sometimes feel like I’m taking vows or entering something life changing.

    • aisha March 10, 2011 at 4:42 am #

      You’re more than welcome, Blue – I love reading your blog. It sure sounds like you’re taking vows, and definitely entering something life changing. No matter how you spend the rest of your life, this will be a major crossroads – at least I’d think so.

      Thanks for reading, and for commenting!


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