Sub Yoyo

7 Mar

That’s right – up and down like a frigging yoyo.  

i was doing pretty ok yesterday, had my daughter over for dinner, life was fine – and then –

i realized that i had missed a banquest Saturday night.  It was something i wanted to do.  Something i do every year.  Something that’s important to me. 

And i just missed it.  i knew it was coming, but i didn’t have it on my calendar.  And i didn’t get around to finding the ticket – i ran across it last night when i was clearing a little stack of papers on the kitchen table.

Too late.

Saturday night, i was reading other people’s blogs, thinking about whether or not to go to the munch.  Well, then i had a jail call, but that wouldn’t have kept me from going to the banquet.

i know it’s not the fault of D/s that i missed it.  

It’s my fault cause i get all caught up in kink and ~

~ i think i’ve been neglecting the rest of my life. 

Dishes in the sink.  Laundry piles up.  Lately, i go two or three days without exercising cause i run out of time in the morning.

None of which is the end of the world and neither is missing the banquet but..

i feel a little bit like Brooke  in her latest post.  She talks about feeling guilty, about a split in her worlds, and even though i normally don’t feel that way at all – not at all- right now i do. 

i feel like i’ve let myself get all out of balance.  

And then i IM’ed with MoR last night and i was going to tell Him about it, and instead we started talking about something completely different.  Which was fine, but then we ended up talking about my psychological Achilles heel.  

You know, we all have them, those places where the childhood psychic injuries didn’t quite heal.   Complexes.  Where the wrong word sends us -sends me – into an emotional tailspin. 

i reacted – cause i was in that emotional tailspin, and at that moment, i don’t know how to NOT react.  So from there we argued, which was not what i wanted to do, and now He thinks i fly off the handle easily – which would be laughable – i’m totally not like that – and yet…

there i was last night – flying off the handle.

So i’m out of sorts.  Pissed at myself about the banquet.  It’s not that i let other people down – i let myself down.  i love that banquet.

And MoR thinks i’m some nut who’s got anger managemet problems… Ok, no, He didn’t say that.  {laughing}  i pretty much made that up, i think.  But He does think i overreact and ~

well, maybe i do, maybe i did. 

So now i have to write Him an e-mail explaining what the story is on that ~ why that particular topic leads me to such a strong reaction.  Ok, no, i don’t have to, but He told me to, and i want to.

Because really, isn’t that what i asked the universe for?  A Dom who would help me grow?  So i can’t bitch when the universe sends me what i asked for.

And i need to get my life back in check.  Do dishes every night instead of waiting til the next day.  Exercise every day.  Eat less, exercise more.  i’ve gained 10 pounds, guys.  10 pounds. And i didn’t need to gain ANY.

Keep up with my calendar.  i need to put appointments and stuff in right away, not think i’ll get around to it later.

And get to work on time.  But that’s another story.

Basically – bottom line – i need to adjust my life a little to be in balance.  Right now, i’m out of balance on all kinds of levels.  Tears are just lying under the surface, waiting to erupt. 

And i HATE to cry.  i’d rather take a beating. 

O, wait –

laughing –

that’s right, i kind of like the whole “beating” thing.   

So on that note – i need to go e-mail MoR and exercise and so on and on and on…  But i’ll just mention that, yes, there might be a touch of subdrop here… and you know, that’s no fun either.

Grumble, grumble…

And i know.  This too shall pass.





12 Responses to “Sub Yoyo”

  1. ahiddenslave March 7, 2011 at 5:55 am #

    aisha…get yourself a big box of tissue…have a good weep…then wait for a sunny moment and go out for a walk and feel the sun on your face. Don’t try to look at that big long list of things to do, choose one and look at that.
    sending you love and support
    HSxx (the queen of procrastination and dishes in the sink!)

    • aisha March 7, 2011 at 7:49 am #

      Thanks, Hs, that sounds like good advice. I’ll try it – if the sun ever comes out again… {laughing} We’ve had rain for days – which doesn’t help either.


  2. strivingforpeace March 7, 2011 at 6:01 am #

    hugs from vanilla ville sweetie

    big hugs


    • aisha March 7, 2011 at 7:50 am #

      Thank you, Sfp.

      What’s it like there in vanilla-land? I’m thinking I might need to spend more time there myself… you doing ok?


  3. thesubmissivebf March 7, 2011 at 6:36 am #

    I can relate because my taxes are still not done. I spend to much time thinking about all of this D/s stuff and have been procrastinating.
    Take care of yourself, love yourself and you will balance out again. Hugs to you.

    • aisha March 7, 2011 at 7:51 am #

      Dear SBF,

      If you are already worried about taxes getting done, you are way ahead of me. April 15 is still the deadline, right? I’m pretty sure that’s about 6 weeks away – not even a blip on my radar yet.


      Thanks – it’s good to know other people are in the same boat.


  4. vanillamom March 7, 2011 at 10:07 am #

    i’ve done it too…i’m the queen of organization (i say i am “ruthlessly organized” which may overstate it a wee bit, but not much!)

    i have a white board, a few lists…and the family calendar is a biggie…

    and yet, when i’m wrapped up in D/s “bliss” (and i use bliss not to describe exquisite wonder, but the whole experience, the going up, the middle and the falling down)…i will forget laundry, chores, etc,

    and i’ll be running around the house like a madwoman from 330 until my wife comes home, cooking, cleaning, tidying, to make it look like 8 hours of “work” was done, rather than writing, blogging, im-ing…or dreaming…


    • aisha March 7, 2011 at 9:18 pm #

      I like the idea of “ruthlessly organized.” I’m far from it – I prefer to think of myself as internally organized – only not so much anymore…

      Nice to know you get lost too!


  5. sin March 7, 2011 at 7:08 pm #

    Every time you say “eat less and exercise more” I think how much sense it makes. And sounds so simple. And yet… sometimes it isn’t.

    I hate, hate, hate when I miss something like that. It makes me cranky too, so it makes sense to me.

    • aisha March 7, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

      @Sin – yes – the deceptively simple sounding “eat less and exercise more.” It really is the best way to do it, at least it’s the only way i ever really do – but it’s not so easy.

      Nice to know you even miss stuff like that too – and even nicer to know how much you hate it!



  6. Mick March 7, 2011 at 10:35 pm #

    I missed a lunch a few weeks back that I was supposed to be at, and it had little to do with sub-drop, as far as I can tell. It’s just what happens when we over program ourselves…. don’t let it get you down, Aisha.

    • aisha March 8, 2011 at 5:05 am #

      @Mick – yes – I know you’re right. I’m not really blaming sub-drop. But part of what leads me to being over programed is kink stuff. Thanks for the support!


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