Trying It On

8 Mar

i was up a little later than ususal last night – FS {First Sir} and i started talking.  It’s fun listening to his dating exploits on the vanilla website where i met him a year ago.

i put my phone on “speaker” and was curled up in bed as he described the different women he’s been talking to.  If that makes him sound like a big player or something, that’s my mistake.  He’s really a nice man, just looking for the next right relationship. 

Anyhow.  i mention it because partway through the conversation i thought about how nice it would have been if MoR had been on the other end of the phone, whispering sweet nothings in my ear as i started to drift towards sleep.

Which wasn’t likely last night.

Before i go any further – youall know that MoR and i are really just getting to know each other.  And that just because we’ve had some great conversations, and enjoyed playing together, doesn’t necessarily mean we’re a match made in kink heaven.

JM, the amazing analyst, helped me remember that last week.  We were talking about the concept of “the One” and he pointed out that MoR definitely was my “the One” – for that weekend anyhow.  

If i define “the One” as a soulmate – someone who is there to share a particular lesson – but not necessarily a permanent connection – that makes a lot of sense.  

MoR and i are trying each other on, and if it doesn’t work out, there’s no blame.  It’s been great so far, and we can go our separate ways better for the experience.  i have a slew of memories of Him that i’ll cherish forever.

As we get to know each other, sometimes, it’s like a game of show-and-tell.  We each show a part of ourselves, and the other gets to say, yes, i can accept that, or no, i don’t think so.  

So i’m not criticizing MoR.  He’s entitled to be who He is, obviously.  And i’m not looking for criticism myself – i think i have the same right.

i think He’s testing me – well, of course He is.  Testing is a way to get to know someone, right?  This morning, i don’t know if last night was really a “fail” or not.

If it was, understand that i’ll be ok with that. 

Yes – i understand that Masters get to dictate stuff. 

And i think i’m ok with that. 

But you know, i’m not going to change the things that fundamentally make me who i am.  He can push at that, and it’s an interesting experience.  It gives me a chance to see if a particular “way i am” is really fundamental to who i am.

Does that make any sense?  Well, it doesn’t really matter.  After all, the blog is really about me processing me.

Last night we moved from an analogy about life shopping at Costco to the literal fact that i don’t shop at Costco.  Seriously.  i don’t do Wal-mart, Sam’s Club, or Costco.  i try to shop local, do organic, all that stuff.  Not always, but as much as i can.

And actually, i don’t know anything about Costco’s record on the things that matter to me, so it might have been a foolish stance to take.  i was looking this morning, and apparently they’re not as bad as Wal-mart.

But clearly the argument’s not about Costco – it can’t be, right?  i think the argument’s about who gets to make what decisions.  And what i mean when i say:

  “i’m pretty much gonna be who i am”

i think maybe He heard that as a challenge?  Like He thought me saying i don’t shop at Costco was “drawing a line in the sand.” 

Sigh.

But i am pretty much gonna be who i am.  If He doesn’t like me already, then there’s no point in continuing.

Who am i?  And who am i in relation to Him?

Who is He?  Who is He in relation to who i am?

  Sigh…

Who knows?

{Omigod, could i get any more angst-y?  Probably not.  Sheesh.  This too will pass, this too will pass…}

14 Responses to “Trying It On”

  1. thesubmissivebf March 8, 2011 at 6:48 am #

    Always remember this blog is yours and not anyone elses. So good or bad its yours to help you process and work through your thoughts.
    Hugs!

    • aisha March 8, 2011 at 7:38 am #

      @thesubmissivebf – Thanks. It does help – you know – trying to write it so someone else would understand, but that’s not what it’s about. Yeah. And thanks for the hugs!

      aisha

  2. strivingforpeace March 8, 2011 at 7:24 am #

    I guess it all depends on what the two of you want — some of them (Doms) want someone who’ll nod their heads and say, “Golly Master, thank you so much for setting me straight — I can’t believe I almost missed out on the wonders of Cost Co – can I get you another Scotch and Soda”

    and some don’t.

    I’m an argumentative bitch — about a lot of things — I’m compliant on things that we’ve agreed that I will be compliant in

    But if you want a smile and nod girl?

    keep stepping

    you — Aisha — are not a smile and nod girl

    and if you were?

    well — you would be someone else entirely

    sfp

    • aisha March 8, 2011 at 7:41 am #

      @Sfp – No joke, right? And surely He’s noticed that before now!

      Really – I just sat here and laughed when I read your comment.

      So – we’ll see. You know, one of the things I like about Him is that I don’t always know where He’s going, but it’s an interesting ride.

      Unless it’s already over – in which case,I’ll have to respect his principals about shopping…

      Anyhow. Thanks for the comment. You really made me laugh.

      aisha

  3. sin March 8, 2011 at 7:48 am #

    If he wanted a doormat, well he needs to keep looking. I doubt that where you shop is gonna be a deal breaker (though do you know that the guy working at the organic place is treated any better?).

    I think that looking for the One can put a lot of pressure on a relationship. Maybe we should be looking for modules of what we like. Plug and play. That’s kind of what we do with our friends. We have old friends and new, friends for conversation or for concerts or for shopping or exercise. And we don’t always see the same friends every weekend. I dunno… working on modules at work, maybe I’m trying too hard to fit them into everything?

    Good luck, Sin

    • aisha March 8, 2011 at 8:02 am #

      @Sin – No, you’re right – i don’t think that in of itself would be a deal breaker. I think it’s about what I’m willing to submit to/around – whatever. And the organic store employee may or may not be better off, but environmentally we all are.

      So, yeah, you’re right on the whole “looking for the One” thing. For years I’ve been saying there is no “the One” it’s a myth, and it’s all about developing our own internal masculine self anyhow.

      But for real? I’d like to find someone to share a LTR with. If I pretend I dont’ want that, I’m just kidding myself.

      Sigh.

      And you’re still right.

      aisha

  4. Mick March 8, 2011 at 8:22 am #

    Mistress dragged me to Costco once. All I wanted to buy was some damned corn flakes. and despite all that other stuff in those huge last the decade packages, there was not a box of corn flakes in sight. I could have gotten a great deal on an outboard motor though.

    On the other hand the WC is into Costco. What is it with would be Doms and Costco?

    • aisha March 9, 2011 at 4:37 am #

      @Mick ~ I don’t know what the deal is! I’m just happy to know someone else doesn’t love Costco. {laughing}

      Aisha

  5. vanillamom March 8, 2011 at 9:10 am #

    *smiles*

    oh, aisha, i understand the ethics at work here…those things that make you who you are…including those decisions you can make about the things that matter to you, that you’ve drawn around yourself as a life-statement …”here is how i make a difference in the world.”

    in a family of 6, and as a stay-at-home-mom who does piece-work for half of my income…i shop at the big box coz it’s simple economics…as a human, a woman, i wish i could choose to not shop there…but financially?

    i have to redraw my line in the sand, re-draw what is important..or perhaps merely necessary to my situation at this point in my life.

    it is what it is…at least for now…

    love you!

    nilla

    • aisha March 9, 2011 at 4:44 am #

      @ ‘Nilla ~ I knew you’d get the principal of it. And you don’t have anything at all to feel bad about for shopping there ~ I’m not judging anyone else. Besides ~ good grief~ you do a million home grown earth mother things!

      Aisha

  6. sweet kk March 8, 2011 at 9:32 am #

    i have a love/ hate relationship with Costco… love the meats (beef, fish, lamb), believe it or not… very high quality, though as one who lives by herself, it takes ages to get through so i usually go in on buying with a friend and split the purchase.

    oh, and they have a very good track record for employee treatment… bennies for part timers etc etc.

    but i always end up spending more money than i intended ’cause i just *had* to get that industrial sized box of pens… or bag of peanuts… or, wait, garbage bags… or no, face cream…

    sad, but true.

    consumerist kk

    • aisha March 9, 2011 at 4:54 am #

      @Kk ~ ok ~ so it’s good to know that theyve got good stuff. Seems like everyones a Costco fan except me and mick! But you’re right, I always end up buying more than I’d planned at places like that. Theyve got so much it kind of freaks me out.

      Aisha

  7. The Beast March 8, 2011 at 1:07 pm #

    I’d just like to go on record saying that when we look back at mankind’s greatest feats of the 20th century, the question is not what comes first, but what is the runner up to the hot, freshly served Costco chicken bake.

    • aisha March 9, 2011 at 4:58 am #

      @TheBeast ~ you are too funny! Ok ~ so that’s important information, I guess

      Your comment does sort of support Micks idea that there’s something about Doms and Costco…

      Thanks for commenting!

      Aisha

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