D/s Energy

14 Mar

i told MoR yesterday when we were IM’ing that i hadn’t gone to church, cause i wasn’t feeling so good.  But when He read my blog, He said, “yes, apparently you did go to church.”  i had to laugh; i guess i was preaching in the Church of aisha.

i don’t think He was being critical, just commenting.

But i got an e-mail from Donna, who started my sermon-izing with her question.  Her comments made me think about myself and the nature of D/s relationships.  She said: 

It is a puzzle how tightly that circle of D/s holds together but how easily a crack can form if all parties aren’t vigilant. Bill can only be the Dom I need him to be if I can be the sub he needs me to be, and it goes round and round. If not for the visualization of a circle, the dynamic would probably form a graphic as complex as any science diagram. The image of a circle works, but there is more. 

Much like our planet, life only works when it isn’t stagnant. There has to be energy/force(s) powering that circle to keep it spinning…like hamsters in a cage. lol  I have wondered whether that may be a part of the emotional difficulty I sense from time to time in those subs not living with a Dom; the circle spins beautifully, even powerfully when there is connection, but as the time between touches grows, the circle may still be there but the sub is left standing in the center of a circle that he/she can’t get rolling.

I suspect that the Doms feel it, too, but have a different mindset about it. Strange analogy, I suppose.

Of course, being one of those “subs not living with a Dom,” and a mental health professional to boot, my immediate rection was something like, “emotional difficulty!!??  I don’t have any emotional difficulty!” and then i had to laugh at myself again, because, omigod, of course i do.

Even now, a week when MoR takes off for the jungles of Where He Lives to kill a house, and i get all lonesome and bored and start playing on Collarme again.

Now, understand, He is ok with that.  Let me be clear again.  He is not my Master.   We met.  Neither one of us ran screaming into the night – to say the least.  But there are significant barriers to a LTR relationship for us, given that i don’t want a permanent LDR, and given that He doesn’t want a slave who won’t go to Costco all the time.

On the other hand, neither one of us has said, “No, this isn’t going to work,” so the ending hasn’t been written – we don’t know if we ride off into the sunset, fizzle away, implode, or what’s going to happen.  At the moment, we’re both ok with the other continuing to pursue options.

So, back to what Donna said.  When she says:

“…the circle spins beautifully, even powerfully when there is connection, but as the time between touches grows, the circle may still be there but the sub is left standing in the center of a circle that he/she can’t get rolling.”

That totally resonated with me.  It takes Dom energy  for me to be the sub i am.  And when i put it that way, it sounds self-evident, but i don’t think it is. 

In any case, i must be putting out some kind of strong sub energy, cause even now that i’ve re-hidden my profile on CM, i’m getting messages from other people who i know from other venues – fetlife or the community.  And i feel like i’m perking up again, thank goodness.

FS says i’m needy – “you know you are,” he says, almost kindly.  But i don’t think it’s needy so much (ok, maybe it is) as wanting Dom energy to run on.

Xantu  posts today about what it’s like for her when her husband/Dom isn’t exercising much Domly power -at least that’s one way i read the post today, Xantu.  Tell me if you think i’m off track.

But when he isn’t demanding, isn’t holding her accountable, it’s difficult to stay in a submissive frame of mind.  Putting someone else first, doing what they ask without argument or complaint – i wonder – is it even feasible over a long period of time?  Do we need, like Donna describes, the D/s circle of energy to really be able to do it?

Not saying that you can’t, Xantu, or that it isn’t ultimately up to us.   But i think that’s maybe the stuff saints are made of – doing His will, not their own, with minimal direct guidance or feedback.  {laughing}  Not trying to be blasphemous, and granted, it’s a different “Him,” but still…

Ok, enough of this already.  i had planned to do a new cast of characters, ala Sfp, but it’s getting too late.  With my new resolve, i need to get to work early.  And i have e-mail to answer yet.  {smiling}


4 Responses to “D/s Energy”

  1. sin March 14, 2011 at 11:11 am #

    I think you are on to something here. And I think even saints get something back, it’s just something different.

    • aisha March 15, 2011 at 1:02 am #

      @Sin – yeah, i think you’re right, about saints – i mean, I’m sure you are. But they do it without the ‘hands-on’ pleasures – well, for the most part, anyhow….


  2. Mick March 15, 2011 at 12:53 am #

    Well, I am very grateful that Mistress does not expect me to join her on those Costco expeditions. Mick

    • aisha March 15, 2011 at 1:00 am #

      @Mick – No doubt!!! Costco could be a hard limit for anyone… laughing. aisha

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