Still Pondering…

15 Mar

i was thinking that Sin’s comment yesterday about the saints getting something out of the experience of “submitting” to God was certainly right.  Contemplating still on Xantu’s post about her Master being too easy on her.   {At least, that’s my quick version of what her post was about…}

Does “He” – a generic “He” that should be “She” some of the time – does He do The Things We Do for my sake or for His pleasure?  Clearly, it is a circular balance, but how you see it makes such a difference.

When my second (last) husband and i separated, he said, “I didn’t want to do any of those things we did.  I just did them because you liked it, just did it to please you.  I didn’t want to.”

A sumbissive’s worst nightmare.   

 i know that wasn’t true ~ quickly i run through the evidence in my head that He liked it and wanted it and intiated it.  i know it wasn’t true, and it still makes me cringe.

But, in the circular balance of it all, it needs to be both.  Both Him liking it and initiating and me liking it and welcoming.  How that plays out, the balance we hit, how that works, is central to the relationship.    

i’ve been talking to someone on CM who i’ll call ES.    He sent me some of his thoughts on the subject:

“By all definitions the domination of you is the transition whereby you lose some rights equal to the gain of the dominant so that equilibrium is always maintained. This would include the articulation of the dominant writing to you about your desired fantasies which are in effect “his desired fantasies” of you by incorporating your “needs” and “desires” as such.
Put in another simpler way, it is what you do for him and not what he does for you. You are the one who has to please!

As an example you might have fantasies of your skirt being raised and your panties pulled down to your knees and having your bare ass cheeks strapped to a nice redden hue with a certain number of strikes.
While the fantasies originate in your mind, it is your dominant that decides on what kind of strap to use whether it will be a leather belt or the old fashion barber razor strap, where and when you shall be strapped and the number of strikes on your cheeks to redden them.  As well how your skirt is to be raised and who will do the pulling down of your panties to your knees. Also whether you are grabbed by a handful of hair and then brought to lean over the ottoman, the sofa, chair, the dining room table or simply to kneel on the floor.

As this example illustrates while the fantasy originates in your mind, the actuality of it is initiated by the dominant which in effect shows you as the subject conforming to his action based on your fantasy. So it is you submitting and doing what he wants. Even though you might have had the initial fantasy, it is about the dominant and what pleases him to do whatever to you.”

i thought that was interesting, and fairly hot too.   He said i could quote him, and since i’ve got a cold, and am pretty miserable, i thought you might enjoy meeting him and hearing a little bit of his ideas. 

Now i’m going to go snooze on the couch until the last possible moment to get ready for work… 

13 Responses to “Still Pondering…”

  1. Mick March 15, 2011 at 8:18 am #

    wow. pretty mean ex-husband… designed to hurt.

    feel better, Aisha.

    • aisha March 15, 2011 at 8:26 am #

      Thanks, Mick.

      Yeah, he could be a little mean. You know how that is, meaner at the end of the relationship than at the beginning!


  2. greengirl March 15, 2011 at 9:05 am #

    i have and at times still get caught up in the vortex of wanting what i want but wanting it to be about what he wants…. and yes – to find out that he was humoring me or just doing it for me – that is every sub’s worst nightmare. The only way i can make it work in my head (and it took me a long time to be able to do this – guess I’m kinda dense) is to bring him my thoughts and desires and fantasies and then TRUST that he will do with all that only what he wants to do. I’ve also learned that sometimes what he wants is to give me what i want.

    I do hope you feel better quickly

    • aisha March 15, 2011 at 10:17 am #

      @Gg – Yes – It seems like you’ve dealt with some of this in your blog, and I’ve watched a little anxiously. But it seems like you’re in a good place with it. Really, it’s all about trust though, isn’t it? And that’s soooo hard sometimes.

      Thanks for the “get well” wishes!


  3. thesubmissivebf March 15, 2011 at 9:21 am #

    Yes I have been in the situation where the man was doing it to please me and it was horrible. The only thing I felt like doing was laughing at him when he asked me is this ok, do you like this way….yuck.
    Those words from your ex were only for one reason, to hurt you. We say mean things at the end of a relationship to make ourselves feel better.
    Feel better.

    • aisha March 15, 2011 at 10:21 am #

      @Sbf – O, yes – I’ve experienced that before too and it is awful. And yes, he was trying to hurt me, although he may have believed it himself by that time.



  4. nilla March 15, 2011 at 9:29 am #

    i do like the imagery of the circle, and the balance of power exchange is very much as described by ES…at least in my relationship with Master B.

    i didn’t comment yesterday as i too am unwell. ugh. i hope you are feeling better.

    i am jealous of your eloquence while sick.


    • aisha March 15, 2011 at 10:28 am #

      @’Nilla – Sorry to hear you’re sick too. Hope you’re being well taken care of.

      ~ AND ~

      Any eloquence of mine while sick is well balanced by your eloquence while wearing nipple clamps…

      Get well soon.


      • nilla March 15, 2011 at 11:48 am #


        Master B has been a huge caring force. it’s helped. i just want it over and done as we are supposed to be getting together this Sunday…

        (it’s “just” my gut so it should be fine by then)


  5. Gray March 15, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

    The difference between being with someone who is, for whatever reason either good or bad, trying to assume a persona, and someone who is naturally, easily, and successfully dominant can make all the difference in the world.

    My boyfriend has been a dominant-type person since he was little. He learned about the D/s lifestyle while he was still young-ish (early 20’s) and it had a real impact on how he expresses himself. He learned appropriate, healthy, sincere, and caring ways to live as a Dominant while taking care of his own emotional needs, instead of turning into an obnoxious bully.

    This fellow ES seems pretty smart and creative…I hope you enjoy many more conversations with him.

    • aisha March 15, 2011 at 10:57 pm #

      Hi, Gray – Thanks so much for commenting!

      Yes, you’re so right. I didn’t realize it, back when I was married, and now I look back and wonder about so many ways that it could have been different.

      Your Dom sounds like a treasure.

      Yeah – I hope so too. I feel like I’ve wandered into some kind of fantasy – having met three Doms, all of whom like to write and are skilled at it. Pretty amazing.


  6. knottylittlemonkey March 15, 2011 at 3:54 pm #

    This post, and the comments, helped me clarify for myself some of the things I’ve been mulling over. I think I’m going to ask W to read it, so we can discuss.

    Thank you, aisha, I hope you feel better quickly.

    • aisha March 15, 2011 at 9:27 pm #

      @Kelly – Cool! I love when our minds are working in synch… Would love to know W’s reactions and thoughts.

      Thanks for the good wishes too.


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