Devoted

20 Mar

“Posture slaves!  The guests are arriving.”  All four slaves fall to their knees, with their palms up, open, and on their thighs.  All chins are up, with pride of position, all eyes are down, with proper humility.  slave legs are slightly spread, enough to be available, but not too vulgar.  Most important:  slaves are pumping out sex.”

That’s the opening paragraph of “A Safe Place, ” one chapter in  Master: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Master R.   Donna gave it to me , a while back,  and I think she’s probably surprised that i haven’t finished it yet.  Actually, i am too.

But.

When i read it, it shakes my world.  So i do a few chapters, and then i have to put it away.  

When i read about slave posture – it is my posture, the one i know in my heart.  Offering.

When he says “To offer is to crave,” i know what he means.  I know viscerally; instinctively, without words or reason.

Master R writes:

“slaves need posture.  It gives them something to do when otherwise they would think they had nothing to do.”  

i don’t know why i can feel that, it confuses me a little.  i haven’t experienced what he’s writing about.  But i know it.

He says:

“Posture, slaves!”  is one of my favorite basic commands, for it is an augury, a starting point, a promise.”

and it makes me long for a Dom who commands.  A Dom who understands that:

“slave in posture is slave being used.  That’s what slaves do best: be used.”

He is eloquent and arousing for me.   That speaks to me with some deep, primal truth.  My cunt throbs.

Then, in the chapter entitiled “Devotion:  The Disney Doms,” he talks about the new breed of Doms who haven’t paid their dues and learned the things that good Doms need to know.  He talks about slaves who think they can buy the SM experience from self-proclaimed Doms with little experience, or come by it quickly and easily. 

Understand, I can’t do what he says justice without quoting most of the chapter, and I can’t do that now.  But he says:

“The Disney dom world, for all its flash and fervor, lacks what is, perhaps, the most important part of life as an SM believer.  DEVOTION.”

And that resonates through me like a bell chiming.

Later, he says:

“Slaves learn, only through being devoted, what is most subtle and most fulfilling to their Dom.  In this process, a long one, they learn what is therfore most fulfilling to their slavesouls. SM is not a flighty subject.  If you fall to your knees too many times, for everything that looks yummy, you’ll end up with very sore knees and not much in your heart.  But if you practice Devotion, you will grow with your pursuit of happiness.  You will fulfill your promise to your Dom.”

Sigh.

i am a devoted kind of person.  When my kids were growing up, i was devoted to my family.  i don’t mean i gave them all my time and energy all the time, although some days i did for sure.

i also put energy into figuring out when i needed to take care of them and when i needed to step back and allow them to learn to do it themselves.  i learned to put energy into taking care of myself, so i could role-model that for them.

i was devoted to creating a family that would – in the great cliche – give them roots and give them wings.

When i used to wait tables?  i know, it sounds silly, but i tended to be devoted to my work place.   So sure, i’d work extra shifts, pick up extra tables, train new employees – whatever was needed.

And my first job as a therapist?  i couldn’t get enough of it.  i devoted all kinds of my time to it.  For the first ten years, when i wasn’t at work, i was reading about it, thinking about it, talking about it, probably way too much.  But it was the time for that.

Now – i still am devoted to my clients.  i’m not so devoted to the organization i work for.    And that’s ok.  My organization doesn’t need my devotion, and certainly wouldn’t be devoted to me in return.

But ~

~ i have devotion to offer. 

Having a devoted slave is work for that slave’s Master.  i know this.   It is not that the submissive gives and the Dom takes.

Master R says, of Doms:

They know the depths and the paths of pursuit for this happiness.  They spend enormous amounts of time considering the needs of their submissives.”

When i read Donna’s description of her relationship with her Master/husband, Bill, i hear devotion on both sides.

When i look back at my relationships with Doms – with FS, with Sir D – they weren’t looking for devotion.  That’s not a criticism.  It’s just how it is.

i can still appreciate what we had, still hold each of them in my heart.  But they didn’t want what i have to offer.

{whispering}  i don’t think MoR does either.  i thought he did – all the hoops he made me jump through before and during our encounter – i think i thought that meant he wanted devotion.  Not in those words, cause i hadn’t read this part of  Master R yet, but in some sense, i thought he was seeking devotion.

And i could still be wrong – maybe he’ll decide he does want what i offer.  Or that i’m capable of offering what he wants.  But i don’t think it’s gonna happen.

And if he doesn’t want my devotion – that’s  not a criticism, not at all.  i think that MoR understands me, and is capable of being my Master.  That doesn’t mean he’s obliged to be, or even that it would be the best path for me in the long run.

But my sense of what i need is deeper today, maybe just because i have different words for it.  Maybe because reading Master R gives me hope that it exists.

 

15 Responses to “Devoted”

  1. Mick March 20, 2011 at 7:00 am #

    Very thoughtful. AIsha…Mick

    • aisha March 20, 2011 at 1:24 pm #

      Thanks, Mick! You and Molly seem pretty devoted too, at least from my perspective!

      aisha

  2. ahiddenslave March 20, 2011 at 7:07 am #

    I agree…very thoughtful, and having hope is a wonderful thing aisha.
    HSxx

    • aisha March 20, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

      Thanks, HS – yeah, hope is – well, you know. Sometimes it’s hard to find, but when it’s there, it’s something to hold to.

      aisha

  3. sweet kk March 20, 2011 at 7:12 am #

    beautifully written Aisha… i get it completely

    kk

    • aisha March 20, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

      Thanks, Kk – yes, i know you get it!

      aisha

  4. greengirl March 20, 2011 at 10:15 am #

    …and your words here give me new ways of realizing what I feel. Thank you for that.

    • aisha March 20, 2011 at 1:26 pm #

      Thank you, Gg – it always feels good to hear that what I said fits with other people’s experience too.

      aisha

  5. Donna March 20, 2011 at 10:43 am #

    Dear Aisha,

    It does exist and it exists for you! I am so pleased that Master R’s book is resonating with you. It has had an enormously positive impact on my relationship with Bill and we return to it regularly.

    There is an undercurrent of strength in your blog today that makes me smile. The more positively you know what you do want, the more easily you will be able to sidestep what you don’t.

    You Rock Girl!

    Love,
    Donna

    • aisha March 20, 2011 at 1:38 pm #

      @Donna,

      Thank you so much – like I said elsewhere, your kind words mean so much to me. And you’re right – I can feel that I’m getting stronger with some clue to where I’m going.

      Thank you, thank you! O, and thanks for posting the link to where people can get Master R’s book! And thanks for letting him even know I wrote about Him!!!

      And, you know, thanks for being you!!!

      love,

      aisha

  6. Donna March 20, 2011 at 10:47 am #

    Oh, I meant to say where to find the book. It is available from Master’s website: http://www.ladomaine.com/writings.htm

    Both Master R and Mistress Collette are amazing people.

  7. Master R March 20, 2011 at 1:26 pm #

    I am deeply touched by your comments. Plus, I love being savored!

    • aisha March 20, 2011 at 1:36 pm #

      @Master R – Omigoddess, i can’t believe You are actually commenting on my blog! That’s so cool!!i’m delighted that you liked what i said, and like the idea of You enjoying being savored by me – if that makes sense. Now it feels sort of intimate and sexy, thank You very much!

      Namaste,

      aisha

  8. gofish9317 March 21, 2011 at 12:36 am #

    WOW. Great insight into the book. its wonderful that you found so much in the book and with Master R. i find myself constantly rereading it and finding something new or understanding something better each time. thank you for starting this blog.

    gofish

    • aisha March 21, 2011 at 4:38 am #

      @Gofish –

      Thank you for reading, and for commenting!

      It is a fascinating book, on all kinds of levels, and I can easily see that if I ever actually finish it the first time, I’ll probably just go back and reread the whole thing.

      Thank you,

      aisha

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