Just Remembering

22 Mar

i was reading the discussion over at ‘Nilla’s blog, and was struck by a new feeling.  This is not a big deal, I just want to say it and see how it sounds.

Some of the discussion was about early adolescence and the wondering.  Wondering what it would feel like.  Longing to feel it.  Remembering what it was like to masterbate and feel guilty about it.  Thinking about the innocence of early puberty.

And it triggered me.

Funny, isn’t it?  My PTSD friends know what i mean.  i’m just reading it, and all of sudden, i remember.  Not in my head, where i always remember, but in my gut.

My innocence was lost early – not before puberty, but at the brink of it.  i think this may be the first time i felt a sense of grief about that innocence taken too soon.

Not that i haven’t grieved other aspects of my molestation and abuse.  But this sudden realization of how different their memories sounded from mine…

At the time, back in the day, i knew it set me apart.  It was just one of a bunch of things that did, but it was a big one. 

i saw myself as being wordly and wise.  In the know.

While my peers were wondering and longing, i was fucking and getting fucked.

i made that a strength, in my head, i made it a strength.

And at the same time, i let it trap me.  i believed that i belonged in a world where you got smacked if you didn’t want to right that minute.  That my peers and their innocence belonged somewhere else.


Of course, some of my peers were in the same boat.  i know that now.  But at the time, we seemed to live in different universes.

And, in all my knowing – you can’t know what you don’t know.

i’d been getting fucked for four years  when i realized that what happened when i touched myself and felt that wonderful, over the top, shuddering release ~ i was 16 when i realized that feeling was what was supposed to happen when you had sex.  Four years into it when it dawned on me ~ that feeling was this “orgasm” thing i was always reading about.  


i guess i had my own kind of innocence, right?

i’ve done so much work around all of that, and this morning when i got triggered, i still wanted to shut down and not think about it.  But just for a minute.

Instead ~ this morning i touch the pieces of my memories and feelings, and i add a new one.  Maybe that lost innocence really was a loss, and not some burden i chose to get rid of.  Maybe i really did miss something there.


16 Responses to “Just Remembering”

  1. nilla March 22, 2011 at 12:46 pm #

    its interesting to me …this commentary about that post…coz when i first started writing…that was exactly what i wrote…that i missed out on those early fun/scary feelings.

    i was not fucked as a child, not losing my virginity until i was 18 or maybe 19? i forget actually. But i too was molested, from the time i was 9 until i had sex with my boyfriend and …made my “monster” stop molesting me.

    But i did lose my innocence.

    ……and then i deleted it. And wrote from a perspective of an adult, recalling the happy, sexy, sensual times of this D/s life that has become my “now”…

    i read this, and was drawn to tears, for our lost childhood…you for the early fucking, certainly…me for what my own grandfather was doing to me…

    and it sucks.
    sucks bigtime.

    For every action,there is an equal, and opposite reaction.

    i have wrested my sexuality from the monster of my childhood. i have embraced my sexual self. i have taken a journey into a new, thrilling place.

    i have found myself, at long last. So while i do look back and feel sadness for what was…and cannot be reclaimed… i would not change one moment of my “now” to get it back.

    i love you aisha.


    • aisha March 22, 2011 at 9:18 pm #

      Dear ‘Nilla,

      Thank you.

      I love you.



  2. Mick March 22, 2011 at 6:23 pm #

    these stories are very frightening to a father of 4 girls. thankfully I am pretty sure they were spared these types of experiences. Mick

    • aisha March 22, 2011 at 9:20 pm #

      @Mick – A loving father is probably the best protection a girl can have.



  3. greengirl March 22, 2011 at 8:57 pm #

    I have so many conflicted feelings about my own past. The only concluson i can truly come to is that i wouldn’t be who i am now if my past had been different. I couldn’t always say this, but i am happy with that part of me – now. (Guess – what Nilla said – only she said it much more eloquently)

    • aisha March 22, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

      @Gg, You said it just as eloquently, in your way. And ain’t that the truth – about the past making us who we are… and beautiful, sexy, exciting, vibrantly alive women that we are – how could we trade that?

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts.



      • ahiddenslave March 22, 2011 at 9:27 pm #

        oh aisha………what can i say? reading this made me cry, some how not even so much for your lost innocence, but for the realisation you came to that it had been lost.
        I don’t know you well,only what i have gleaned on here, but you seem to me to be survivor..and also in a strange way someone who is encountering her innocence all over again.
        Sending big HUGS

  4. aisha March 22, 2011 at 9:34 pm #

    @HS – Thank you so much for the – warmth, i guess is the right word. I am a survivor, for sure, and even a thriver.

    And you’re right – there is lots of rediscovery and healing that happens for me in the lifestyle, and being a novice again…

    and your response moves me…

    Thank you – hugs –


  5. sin March 23, 2011 at 7:42 am #

    I just read this – didn’t read blogs yesterday – I think I had no time. It makes me sad, and I think proud of who you are today. Does that make sense? Life isn’t fair. I guess that’s all I’ve got.

    • aisha March 23, 2011 at 8:00 pm #

      Thank you, Sin. What you say does make sense, in a strange kind of way. For sure, life isn’t fair, we all know that – but that’s ok.

      Thanks for the hugs…


  6. little_butterfly March 24, 2011 at 12:42 am #

    I’m glad that ‘Nilla made a comment about this post. I enjoyed her back-and-forth thing a lot, but it didn’t “ring” inside of me, and I couldn’t figure out why. (Perhaps I didn’t want to?) But this is exactly why I never got any of that innocent wondering and such. I’ve certainly had moments where I’ve grieved for that sad, much too grown-up little girl of my past. I definitely understand the triggering thing too.

    ‘Nilla’s use of the word “monster” really jarred me. It’s exactly the term I’ve always used too. I guess it should make sense, we *were* children after all, and monsters were the scariest things we could imagine. Still…

    Thanks for sharing this, aisha, I know sometimes it’s not easy because writing makes you think about it more than you might want to.

    • aisha March 24, 2011 at 5:38 am #

      @littlebutterfly – Thank you for commenting, i think it’s always powerful and feels good when we realize how many of us are survivors and how much we have in common.

      You know, i work a lot with survivors so often i’m watching the process from the outside, when it’s happening to me, it happens on different levels. So part of me is still watching –

      and part of me is purely experiencing.

      Thank you for sharing your experience.



  7. willcrimson March 24, 2011 at 8:46 am #

    Aisha, I read this last night but didn’t know what to write. (I saw the link at Nilla’s site.)

    I don’t know if feelings of ambivalence are universal among writers of erotica, but voices like yours are supremely important, if not *the* most important. When I see your blog, I can’t help but think there is good and healing in the expression of ones erotic self – especially after what you went through.

    If a woman with your experience can still find joy in expressing her erotic self, then it makes it a little easier for the rest of us, who have not had these horrible experiences (but know that they continue even now), to feel as though there’s a place for the exploration of eroticism, that it’s not a bad or dangerous thing, and that it might even be healthy, good and healing. Thanks, Aisha.

    • aisha March 24, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

      @Willcrimson –

      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. I’m glad what I wrote touched you in some way.

      Depending on whose statistics you go by, somewhere between 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 women is going to be molested, raped or sexually assaulted in her lifetime. The figures are 1 in 6 for men. Lots and lots of survivors out here…

      Certainly – absolutely – erotic exploration is healing and helpful – for everyone at some point. I think BDSM is full of therapeutic experiences on our journey. I really appreciate your sensitivity to that, and am glad you recognize that it’s clearly not bad or dangerous.

      What’s bad and dangerous is non-consent.

      Thanks, for reading and for commenting.



      • willcrimson March 24, 2011 at 9:50 pm #

        Would you consider being interviewed for our blog? I think your experiences, your interest in erotica, and your work as a therapist are unique. I haven’t done anything like this for our blog, but I think you would have some fascinating insights.

  8. aisha March 25, 2011 at 4:45 am #

    @willcrimson – Sure, that sounds like it’d be a blast. You can e-mail me at aisha.hisservant@gmail.com anytime.


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