Burst Bubble

24 Mar

Horseback riding.  He has a horse, OG does.  Two, actually.

i used to ride, back in my very young days.  i loved riding. 

i took lessons from Mr. R. who, now that i think about, it was a very domly kind of man.  Strong,stern, often silent, with the occasional “Good girl,” but only when I’d earned it.  He was a man of character and substance.

i took lessons for a few years, maybe til i was about 11, when we moved away.   i even have the ubiquitous story about the time ~

~ i’m jumping, riding Viking, and we’ve been jumping and there’s a jump he doesn’t like and doesn’t want to take, he keeps clipping it,  and we keep trying it, and then i don’t get him started quite right, and when we get to the part where he’s supposed to jump…

…he stops.  

And i don’t – i sail over his head ~ yes, over his head ~ and land with a thump. 

Mr. R starts over towards me, but i’m already picking myself up, shaking myself off.  Viking trots up the hill and is contentedly grazing.

Mr. R looks at me – nods toward the horse.  “Go get him,” he says.

i don’t want to .   Everything inside me is whimpering, “no, no, no, i don’t want to…”

i look up the hill at the horse.  Stupid horse. 

i look at Mr. R.  He’s watching me, patiently.   Watching with a mildly encouraging expression, as if he just totally expects me to do it.

And of course he’s right.  i’m going to do it, because i can’t imagine telling him no.  Not Mr. R.  

So i start up the hill, slowly.  Trudging, forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other. 

It is the longest hill in the world.

Viking just stands there, waiting.  When i get to him, he looks at me like, “Oh, there you are.  I was wondering when you’d get here.”   i pick up the reins,  lead him over to a stump so i can get a leg up.

i don’t want to, i don’t want to, i don’t want.

Slowly, i get on the stump, mentally shake myself.  i glance down the hill.  Mr. R is still watching.

i put my foot in the stirrup, leg over.  i’m up.  

Ok.

i can do this.

i ride him back down.

Mr. R is still watching me, as i get close he smiles and nods.  “Good,” he says, and i’m warmed by his approval.  It is all worth it.

“Now,” he says, “Make him take that jump.”

So i’m excited.  OG and i are going to the stables, i get to meet his horses, even ride.  Um, no jumping… laughing…

And he’s married.  OG is.

Yeah. 

i kept forgetting to ask ~ i should have known.  His profile didn’t say he was looking for a relationship ~ duh. 

He even said he needed to be discreet ~ i told myself he was concerned because of his job.   

He wasn’t trying to hide it, he’s just been editing his profile, took it off and forgot to put it back. 

And i know that being married isn’t even a barrier at all  for lots and lots of people.  i know that.  And i’m not judging anybody else.

But it’s not gonna work for me.

Sigh…

It just isn’t. 

 

17 Responses to “Burst Bubble”

  1. The Beast March 24, 2011 at 5:36 am #

    Ah, burst bubbles are never fun. That was a lovely story though – thanks for sharing it.

    • ahiddenslave March 24, 2011 at 5:47 am #

      oh sigh……………you have to do what is right for you.hugsxxx
      HSxx

      • aisha March 24, 2011 at 6:12 am #

        @HW – yeah. It kinda sucks, not in a good way. But there it is. Thanks.

        aisha

    • aisha March 24, 2011 at 6:10 am #

      @TheBeast – Thanks – glad you liked the story! aisha

  2. sweet kk March 24, 2011 at 5:48 am #

    well good for you for knowing where your limits are with regards to who you’re looking for… your internal north star is always the best guide!!

    i used to ride when i was a kid and got rolled over on by one of my mounts… i wish i had had Mr R there for me then… no one could manage to get me back up that day!!

    kk

    • aisha March 24, 2011 at 6:13 am #

      @Kk – your horse rolled over on you?!!! Omigod! I don’t know if Mr. R could have gotten me back on or not!!

      Thanks for the support – yes, there’s no point in taking a path that i know is gonna be a dead end.

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. thesubmissivebf March 24, 2011 at 7:39 am #

    I love that feeling of my bubble getting all excited (inflated) only to hear those words, I’m married….blah such a let down.

    • aisha March 24, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

      @Sbf – yeah, it’s amazing. For just a second, i get the – O! Yes! –

      i get the exact same “wind-knocked-out-of-me” feeling as when i landed after my flight over the horse’s head.

      Ha.

      There’s some kind of poetic fitness. If you know what I mean.

      Thanks,

      aisha

  4. sin March 24, 2011 at 7:52 am #

    Boo. Good horse story though.

    • aisha March 24, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

      Laughing… thanks, Sin. Short and to the point. Yes, boo. and thanks.

      hugs,

      aisha

  5. Knottylittlemonkey March 24, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

    From one horsey girl to another, I’m sorry aisha. That is never a good feeling. At least the bubble popped now, before it had floated over something important. Something that is better off not getting wet and soapy.

    I have a similar story from when I was 8, only out on the trail, not in the ring. It builds character, getting back on that horse.

    • aisha March 24, 2011 at 6:38 pm #

      Thanks, Lm, yes, nice anaolgy. Better to pop the bubble now, for sure.

      On the trail, huh? Yes, it does build character. Hmmmm. Yeah. Thanks – I may have more to say on this subject!

      aisha

  6. nilla March 24, 2011 at 9:19 pm #

    spent a lot of time thinking about this, about you. i loved horses when i was a girl but never had opportunity to ride, or get to know any IRL.

    the bubble…well you know i’m on the opposite end of that spectrum…and as has been said by many more eloquent than i am tonight, you have your line in the sand, and it is what is right for you…

    this won’t fill you, not at all, and you’re smart to know it at the outside.

    doesn’t stop the heart from cracking a bit, however.

    i am ever so sorry, dear heart-sister.

    love,

    nilla

    • aisha March 25, 2011 at 4:42 am #

      Thanks,’Nilla –

      Yeah, horses and girls, an interesting thing….

      i’m thinking this wasn’t quite at heart cracking level, but certainly there was a thud. Sigh.

      And thanks for the support.

      hugs,

      aisha

  7. Mick March 24, 2011 at 10:38 pm #

    sucks that he sucked you in without full disclosure up front.. and a nice story as metaphor to go with it.

    Mick

    • aisha March 25, 2011 at 4:43 am #

      Thanks, Mick, glad you liked the story. As for the rest, you know, i could have asked sooner… but yeah, you’re right, he could have said. O, well. Thanks again.

      aisha

  8. striving for peace March 25, 2011 at 9:55 pm #

    me either sweetie

    sigh

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