Have to…

26 Mar

i loved the comments on yesterday’s post, and wish you were all here so we could talk about it all.  It’s fascinating how different the reactions were.  i really appreciate youall taking the time to share your thoughts.

i want to add one piece to what i said yesterday – it goes with the idea that our “i can’t” is really “i won’t.”  That’s really part of  a therapy thing i do – particularly in groups.

I’ll write on my white board:

                               I have to  __________________.

                                                and

                               I can’t ______________________.

We’ll go around the room and each person gives me one thing they have to do and one thing they can’t do.  It might look like this:

                             I have to take care of my sick mother/ be a good mother/ work hard.

                             I can’t take time for myself/ buy a new car/ save any money.

 Then, of course, i draw a line through “have to” and write “choose to,” draw a line through “can’t” and write “won’t.”  So it looks like this:

                             i have to choose to take care of my sick mother/ be a good mother/ work hard.

                             i can’t won’t take time for myself/ buy a new car/ save any money.

So then we talk about those choices, figure out what drives them.  What would happen if you didn’t take care of your mother?  If you’d feel like a terrible person because you owe it to her – clearly that’s a choice, right? 

If you choose to be a good mother – and really, that’s a series of choices every day – it may be because you love your kids.  That can lead to a discusson of what “good mother” means – does that mean you have to do everything right all the time?  And so on.

What drives you to work hard?  Clearly, that’s important to you.  But not everyone makes that choice – why do you?

And so on.  Same deal on the can’t’s – unless it’s a physical can’t, there’s some values or consequences involved.  i could buy a new car if i robbed a bank.  Why wouldn’t I do that?   What would it take – what other things would i have to give up – to carve out time for myself?

Often, as we go through the exercise, people discover that things aren’t as all-or-nothing as they thought.  So they may discover that they have a wider range of choices than they realized.

It’s automatic for me now – if i say “can’t” or “have to,” i quickly correct myself, – well, i don’t have to, but i’m going to…  well, i could, but i won’t.  Try it and see if it doesn’t feel different…

Anyhow, getting ready to go do my Saturday morning thing, just wanted to post that before i go.  i wish i had a fantasy to share – when i do, i will.  For sure.

Sir R has sent me a list of questions – you know, Sir R is another blogger’s Sir and has become something of a mentor to me, although we haven’t talked in a while.  i’ll have to ask him if he’s ok with me posting the questions and answers here after i send them to him.

It’s still March, so if anyone else has questions for me, let me know.

 

 

10 Responses to “Have to…”

  1. striving for peace March 26, 2011 at 7:05 am #

    I liked this very much.

    Some blogs you read because they make me curious
    and
    Some blogs you read because you have to know what happens next

    but your blog?

    challenges me to think

    Thank you for that — I love it

    sfp

    • aisha March 26, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

      Thank you, Sfp – I’m honored ~ and delighted ~ that you feel that way.

      aisha

  2. nilla March 26, 2011 at 8:21 am #

    wow. another good/hard post. You’re making me think at 8 am aisha!!

    this resonated with me. in a hard way, but that’s okay. you give me clarity that helps me deal with real life.

    i wonder how hard it is to let go of some of our choices/”must do’s”…once we realize they are choices…and not padlocked onto us.

    thanks for the insight.

    love you heart sister…

    nilla

    • aisha March 26, 2011 at 3:18 pm #

      @’Nilla – Love that I’m “making you think” ~ um, except I’m pretty sure I’m not making you, you’re choosing to… laughing…

      Seriously – yes, I’m glad it resonanted with you ~ you’re more than welcome for the insight. Yes, I think shifting the way we look at it really can set us free. Sometimes it lets us do things differently, sometimes we just own that we’re doing what we choose, and that feels different.

      You know I love you, sister of mine.

      aisha

  3. Donna March 26, 2011 at 8:45 am #

    I totally agree with both sfp and nilla! And what a great way to take a closer look at the reality of situations rather than the spin I choose to put on them.

    Great post,
    Donna

    • aisha March 26, 2011 at 3:21 pm #

      Thanks, Donna! I’m so glad you enjoyed it… hugs, aisha

  4. nancy March 26, 2011 at 9:49 am #

    Wonderful, thought provoking post.
    Not sure where it will lead me but it certainly makes me thing about my choices~

    • aisha March 26, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

      Thanks for commenting, Nancy! I’m glad it was thought provoking for you – and who knows where any of this is leading us, right?

      Thanks again!

      aisha

  5. angel March 26, 2011 at 5:08 pm #

    Questions:
    Are you familiar with the concept of a “born slave”? If so, what are your thoughts? Do you think it could be a set of possibly intrinsic traits?

    i tend to think of Sadism and Masochism as just other points on the Kinsey Scale of sexuality. Inborn. i’ve read other theories. What say you?

    And a comment:
    There are DV shelters (one in Massachusetts) that openly has a BDSM flag and acknowledges this as a valid lifestyle opposite of abuse. i could find and provide the link, if you wanted it.

    • aisha March 27, 2011 at 5:15 am #

      @Angel – Good grief – talk about making someone think – you’re stretching my concepts so much, thank you for that! I had not heard of the concept “born slave” but of course I went and googled it right away.

      Wow.

      I don’t know what I think about it – and I’ve just skimmed some of the material quickly this morning. Part of me was ready to dismiss it, but I can’t do that without understanding better what they’re saying. And it’s at least one blog post. What do you think about it?

      You have clearly read more about all of this than I have, since I’m not real familiar with theories of why people are sadists or masochists. Yes, I agree they’re both just somewhere on the spectrum of sexuality. And i guess, obviously, inborn traits would be one possiblity, and life experience, early childhood, all that would be another. So, most likely is some combination of the two.

      And I’d love a link to a DV shelter that recognizes BDSM – yes!

      Thank you so much for your comments – I’m so glad we’ve met – and I’ll look forward to reading more of your blog and hearing from you here!

      aisha

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