28 Mar

i met Sir D on CM.  i met MoR on CM. 

i keep reminding myself of that, like  a litany of hope, but it’s time to hide the profile again. 

JM, the amazing analyst, has been reminding me, in his own understated way, that “no community is as safe as we want it to be.”  He says it in slightly different ways, and each time, i just agree, because of course that’s a truism, right?  

Then he starts talking about how falling in love with a community is kind of like falling in love with a person, how we project and we can only see the positive.  He was kind of relieved when i didn’t have a great time at the coffee night.  He said he thought it was the first BDSM community thing i’d done that i didn’t love.

And i knew what he meant – i thought it was kind of healthy too. 

But i was reminded of what he’s been saying again a couple of times this weekend.  i was IM’ing with someone i’d met on CM who’s local.  i was on the verge of having dinner with him, when i realized that he totally expected that he was coming home with me after.   That he was surprised to hear that wasn’t my plan.

He says:  “But then where will i get to spank you?  Will I have to get a room just so I can spank you?”   As if that were a given.

Honestly, i had to specifically explain that while spanking might have been a possiblity, it was off the table now, and so was dinner.

Then, i was IM’ing with someone else, who isn’t local, and we were discussing different kinds of play.  He too seemed to be taking it very for-granted that if he were around, we’d be playing.  When i pointed out this wasn’t necessarily true,

He says:  Well, if we were around each other, i wouldn’t allow you to be hesitant. 

Me:  What do you mean?

Him:  I’d just make you do what i want.

 Me:  What do you mean???

Him:  I mean, I’d have to just physically take you and force you to do what I want.

Me:  But then – that wouldn’t be kink or BDSM, that would be sexual assault.

Him:  Don’t you want to be assaulted?

Me:  No, actually, i don’t want to be assaulted.

Him:  Well, I still say if we were around each other we would have already played.

Me:  i don’t think so.  Even less likely now.

Him:  Ok.  Well, let’s not belabor the point.

Laughing – ok, no “point belaboring” here.  But that was the last conversation we’ll have.  After all, he literally told me that, given the opportunity, he wouldn’t care if i consented or not.   i can take a hint – you don’t have to send me a telegram.  

It reminded me a little bit of – do youall remember the TV show L.A. Law?  I loved that show.  Well, on one episode Susan Dey {i think that was her name} agrees to represent this young guy who was accused of date rape.  She only agrees to do it because she meets him and totally believes he’s innocent.

So she’s prepared to mount this great defense, and right before it goes to trial, she has him describe to her exactly what happened that night.  And as he describes the events:

“So then she did like women do sometimes, she started saying ‘no,’ you know how women are, and I told her to stop, I told her to be quiet, but she kept saying it, you know, it was all part of it, she liked what I was doing, but she was getting loud and I didn’t want other people to hear her saying no, so I just put my hand over her mouth…”

 i remember realizing, and, even worse, watching Susan Dey’s character realize, that not only had he raped the young woman, he really didn’t even quite realize that he had.

i’ve always remembered that.

But really, with the guy who thought i wanted to be assaulted, the real problem, the clincher, was his “Let’s not belabor the point.” 

After all, at one time i thought that MoR was kind of like that – couldn’t distinguish between rape and dominance.  But MoR didn’t dismiss my concerns, didn’t belittle my need to talk about it.  He treated me with respect for my feelings and thoughts on-line, and of course, i came to see that he was safe.


So at some point last night, i thought:

“Well, you are on a kinky sex dating site, what do you expect?  Why would they respect you?  They don’t know you.  Why are you surprised?  Here you are, talking about spanking and other kinky sex things – of course they think you’re easy, that you’d play with anybody anytime.”

And i felt a twinge of shame.

Fortunately, feeling shame is a warning signal for me.  A long time ago,  i read that:

“Guilt is what you feel when you’ve done something wrong.

Shame is what you feel when someone else has done something wrong and you’re taking responsibility for it.”

That definition has given me lots of “aha moments” both for myself and other people.

So i corrected myself. 

Everyone deserves respect. 

Part of the point of the BDSM community is that we understand that one can be submissive, can be into cock worship and spankings and all kinds of things and still deserve respect.  They do not need to know me personally to know that.  i don’t have to “earn” that respect – it’s a starting place for all of us.

It that’s not the starting place for them, that’s about them, not me.


That feels better. 

i wonder – i think maybe – this is what JM meant when he talked about the community not being as safe as i think.  The danger is not just physical, not just outside me.  There is danger of me backing myself into my own corners in my own mind.

And i’m still off collarme for a while. 

28 Responses to “Collarme”

  1. nilla March 28, 2011 at 7:24 am #


    of all the powerful things you have written (and there have been many)

    this one hits the hardest for me.

    and it’s a good kind of hit.

    thanks aisha.



    • aisha March 28, 2011 at 8:44 pm #

      Dear ‘Nilla –

      I’m glad it was a good hit… Thank you.



  2. heather1 March 28, 2011 at 7:27 am #

    I loved your explanation about guilt and shame. I hadn’t thought about the differences and a lot of things make more sense to me know.
    Thank you,

    • aisha March 28, 2011 at 8:45 pm #


      Thank you for reading, and for taking the time to comment! I’m glad it made sense to you.


  3. sin March 28, 2011 at 7:39 am #

    Great post. Rape is when someone says no. Even if you are submissive. Even if they think that mean you agree in principle. Even if you usually agree to sex with them. If you don’t want it that time, and you say no, it means no.

    Which is hard to enforce, which is why it’s hard to convict on date rape or to convict husbands or raping wives.

    But no means no. Which is why we have safewords, cause some people like to play with “No”. But the point is still that there’s a No, even if you wrap it up as something else.

    • ahiddenslave March 28, 2011 at 7:47 am #

      Aisha…a great post….

      “Guilt is what you feel when you’ve done something wrong.

      Shame is what you feel when someone else has done something wrong and you’re taking responsibility for it.”

      This should be taught to every person from a very early age.

      Rape leaves victims feeling shamed,date rape and partner rape too.

      It leaves people questioning their own actions, their judgment and their ability to protect themselves….No means no…who ever says it.

      I have read and re-read this post….very powerful and on a lighter note…the word “twat” spring to mind regarding the men you were talking to:)

      • aisha March 29, 2011 at 4:46 am #

        @HS –

        Yes, I agree – about teaching kids this stuff early – there’s so many things I think we should teach them that we don’t. The whole idea of “emotional education” – and we do such a haphazard job of providing it.

        Yes, shame carries a huge weight and keeps us trapped in all kinds of ways.

        And yes! “Twat” works – I love that – thanks!!


    • aisha March 28, 2011 at 8:56 pm #

      @Sin –

      Of course you’re absolutely right – right about “no” and right about how hard it is for society to recognize that no really does mean no.

      One of the things i love about BDSM, of course, is safewords. It is so beautifully clear. In Sfp’s preliminary contract with her prospective Dom, when it says that she’ll recognize that using her safewords doesn’t mean she’s weak or a failure – ahhhhhh. That’s so lovely.


      • Bernie June 25, 2011 at 8:23 am #

        It is hard for many ” Doms ” to understand the word ” consensual ” clearly. B & D ( my thing ) clearly, to me, is consensual, and I take my slave with me all the way. B & D is a shared experience where basic respect is part of the whole scene, if one respects, one receives even more in return. safewords should form part of the contractual agreement, and be adhered to, always. Yes, I often hear of outright abuse and it sickens me, it turns a very enjoyable lifestyle into something far less palatable.

      • aisha June 25, 2011 at 10:26 am #

        Thanks for reading and for commenting, Bernie. It’s good to know that you recognize the true nature of D/s. Thank you!


  4. sweet kk March 28, 2011 at 7:48 am #

    Aisha – i need to do some more thinking to wrap my head around your statement about guilt vs. shame… a very powerful idea for me… thanks for leading me there.


    • aisha March 28, 2011 at 8:58 pm #

      Dear Kk –

      I’m glad you feel like it gave you something worth working with! Thank you for your comment!



  5. nancy March 28, 2011 at 8:18 am #

    I really love your guilt/shame statement. You’ve really hit the nail on the head.

    CM has some wrong headed men/women indeed.
    I’ve been lucky enough to find three men who were really dominant and not just looking for quick sex.
    It seems to me more like a fish pond with some fish of every kind.. throw them back if they behave badly~

    But then I know.. I’ve been very blessed to have met the men I’ve met.
    And my profile is down as well. Sir is more than enough for me.

    • aisha March 28, 2011 at 9:10 pm #


      Thanks – thanks for reading and for commenting!! I wish I could remember where I first heard the guilt/shame thing so I could give them credit!

      Yes, CM is a mixed bag! I’ve met a couple of terrific people on there, and thrown a lot back too. Clearly, there are some who you can discard immediately, some that need to be sorted through more carefully.

      I find it really hope-inspiring that you’ve met someone and it’s working for youall!

      Thanks again for stopping by!


  6. Mick March 28, 2011 at 8:20 am #

    excellent post, AIsha.

    • aisha March 28, 2011 at 9:10 pm #

      Thanks, Mick! {smiling}

  7. k March 28, 2011 at 9:03 am #

    Hi Aisha,

    I’m new to your blog and enjoying reading. I’m still wrapping my head round the guilt vs shame. I definitely understand what you mean as far as someone shaming us- abusive. I do believe that there also is genuine internally-born shame, which is more about the embarrassment we feel for doing something hurtful or wrong.



    • aisha March 28, 2011 at 9:25 pm #

      Hi, K –

      Thank you – I’m so glad you commented – I love the ideas flying around the blogoshphere!

      I think you’re right – there is that “hang my head and feel bad about what I did” – even feel embarrassed. And Marcia Linehan, who’s the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy and a guru as far as I’m concerned, would agree that shame is just another form of guilt, a natural emotion.

      And my response to that got so long, it’s a whole ‘nother blog post. Sorry – I’ll have to continue later… laughing.

      The short form response is that I think the feeling you’re talking about is different from what I think of as shame – that maybe it’s embarrassment, remorse, but something else.

      But I really, really appreciate your response. If you want to pursue it, I’d love to have some conversation about it – we can trade examples and try to explore what we mean. I’m open to the possiblity that my definition of the difference isn’t necessarily 100% right.


  8. angel March 28, 2011 at 12:17 pm #


    This post was wonderful. My personal thoughts is how very imperative it is to listen to your gut *at all times* in bdsm. If you think about it, even online you have a gut feeling about a person.

    Also…beyond the obvious physical dangers are the less obvious mental/emotional ones.

    First, the things that are mind-blowing for you to do today (showing private parts on command) will be commonplace tomorrow. It does not matter how far you go with this…this same rule applies.

    Think about that, please. Really think about it.

    The place where i draw the line between abuse and bdsm is how the submissive/slave FEELS about what has been done to her rather than any individual act itself.

    To that end, you could have a Master one day who desires hearing “no” during sex acts and asks you to resist. Does that make him want to be a rapist? i would argue no. Rape is about power, not sex.

    On the guilt/shame spectrum….some of the things we do tap into these feelings, deliberately or not.
    We have to be careful about that because if things do go wrong, its those same guilt/shame feelings that make it very hard to get help (police, therapy).
    i’ve found out that the reality of it is not that big of a deal. Its not as if some of them don’t enjoy being spanked or spanking too 🙂

    Thoughts are things, aisha.
    Your own thoughts can enslave you prob way better than any person can. Our natural desire to please and bend coupled with the right person can be nirvana. Remember what you told me about honoring both sides 🙂

    Sorry this is so long but i can’t make this window big enough for a proper edit. Oops.


    • aisha March 28, 2011 at 9:26 pm #

      Dear Angel,

      Thank you so much for your wonderful response.

      It is also a whole blog post by itself, and it’s too late and I’m too tired to begin to do it justice tonight. But there’s a lot for me to think about here.

      Thank you,


  9. angel March 28, 2011 at 12:20 pm #

    PS Have you considered fetlife? More message boards, less of a pickup place. Great source of info. Just a thought…

    • aisha March 28, 2011 at 9:27 pm #

      @Angel – Laughing… yes, I’m on fetlife. Aisha_54 – if you’re there too, friend me!



  10. knottylittlemonkey March 28, 2011 at 2:50 pm #

    I learn so much about myself, from reading your posts. I wanted you to know that. You are fast becoming a teaching light for me (no pressure, Lol). Todays post was spectacular, by the way. Thank You, aisha.

    • aisha March 28, 2011 at 9:28 pm #

      Thank you, Little Monkey! I take that as a great compliment, and really appreciate it. {smiling} aisha

  11. ximenawrites March 28, 2011 at 4:18 pm #

    When I was still curious about the lifestyle and chatting regularly with a Domme mentor, she gave me one priceless bit of information:

    Only amateurs think they can just walk/pop up on someone that identifies as a sub and start barking silly orders. Just because someone is submissive and I am a Domme doesn’t mean that we will automatically have the same interests, goals, limits, etc…same goes for me and some of the ‘interesting’ discussions I’ve had with some hapless wannabe Doms.

    A person that is seriously looking will take their time, want to have dinner/coffee, *ask questions*, and see whether there’s a chemistry before I suggest going further… I don’t know whether I approach a sub that way because it’s the way I would like to be a approached – with respect and tenderness – but it’s the way I do things, every time.

    The second conversation you mentioned reminded very much of something that happened to me, and it put me off for a very long time… but not forever. There are a lot of ‘interesting’ folk on those sites, but there are also honest people just looking for a connection with someone with the same needs and desires as them.

    • aisha March 28, 2011 at 9:35 pm #

      @Ximena –

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting – and here is more for me to think about!!

      I particularly appreciate you adding your voice from a Domme perspective – it does carry a certain amount of extra – um, i started to say weight, but I think “authority” would be more accurate!

      Seriously, I do hear what you’re saying, and take it to heart.

      Thank you,


  12. thesubmissivebf March 28, 2011 at 4:39 pm #

    There isn’t much to say that hasn’t already been written in the comments section. So I will just say thank you for your post. It really hit home with me.

    • aisha March 28, 2011 at 9:35 pm #

      Dear Sbf,

      You are more than welcome – thank you for your comment! I’m glad what I said resonated with you.


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