Follow Up on Comments…

29 Mar

i was amazed – and delighted – by the response to my post yesterday.  i’m glad the guilt/shame distinction resonated with so many of you; it’s been really helpful for me. 

“K” commented about the idea of there being a sort of natural sense of shame when we’d done something wrong, and she’s not the only person who sees it that way.  As i said in my comment, Marcia Linehan, who’s a therapy guru, sees it the same way, so K has some heavy duty support.

But i’d disagree with Marcia too. 

Antoher guilt/shame distinction is:

“Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there’s something wrong with me.”   

It’s not just that it’s a stronger feeling than guilt, it has a different quality to it. 

Shame makes me sick at my stomach.  It makes me want to curl up in a ball and stay there.  It makes me want to avoid thinking about whatever it is that creates the shame.

Shame goes with abuse and neglect and betrayal.  In another comment,  Angel says:

“On the guilt/shame spectrum….some of the things we do tap into these feelings, deliberately or not.
We have to be careful about that because if things do go wrong, its those same guilt/shame feelings that make it very hard to get help (police, therapy).”


It’s the idea that we’ve brought what happened on ourselves that keeps us trapped – or worse, that what’s happening is because of the way we are.  When women are in abusive relationships, people will say, “Well, she must want it or she would have left.”  And i’ve heard women say, “Well, there must be something wrong with me or I wouldn’t take this.”

That idea keeps people trapped as well as any chains.   Being convinced that somehow you deserve or have asked for or want what’s happening is a clear deterrent to leaving.  It induces shame – and then you can’t even think logically about it, cause you’re adrift in a sea of emotional pain.

And once i start down that path, i’m halfway to my Post Traumatic Stress talk, and i’m not headed that way here.  Even though i want to.  This isn’t the place for it.

Ok.  Letting that go…

Some of the comments had wonderful advice about what to look for, what to be careful about, and so on in the search for the Dom of my Dreams. 

 Ok, i know there’s no such thing as the Dom of my Dreams.  No Prince Charming.  Just for the record, i know this.

i want someone who wants to grow with me.  Someone who wants to see where we can go together, where our energy, mingled, treasured, and enjoyed, can take us.

Shrug.  That and $4.50 will get me a latte.

i know that when angel says:

“First, the things that are mind-blowing for you to do today (showing private parts on command) will be commonplace tomorrow. It does not matter how far you go with this…this same rule applies.

Think about that, please. Really think about it.”

Yes, of course.  i do think about it, and maybe fret a little bit.  But ~

i think ~

the growth and excitement needs to come from intimacy, not from how far we can go with BDSM.  Maybe.  Anyhow, that’s my fantasy, that we go deeper, more connected, more spiritually aware…

And that what we build between us grows beyond us in some way.  i don’t know exactly what i mean, or what that would look like.  But that our energy generates – something. 

Ok, yeah, i might have some vague vision, but very vague.  Way too vague to talk about.

And Angel says too:

“Your own thoughts can enslave you prob way better than any person can. Our natural desire to please and bend coupled with the right person can be nirvana.”

Yes.  i believe that too.

2 Responses to “Follow Up on Comments…”

  1. angel March 29, 2011 at 7:46 am #

    Interesting. Very.

    i’ll be brief today before you get sick of me. 😛
    i think of BDSM as a vehicle to increase intimacy.
    For me, to have a healthy D/s relationship requires a nearly endless effort to increase trust and intimacy.
    i’m hoping you flesh this idea out more about what this “ideal relationship” would look like *for you*

    • aisha March 29, 2011 at 9:50 pm #

      Thanks, Angel – I’ve been thinking about that today.

      Take care,


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