A True Story

5 Apr

i’ve spent my morning running around reading blogs instead of writing… and a story keeps coming to mind.  A true story, from back when i was married this last time.

i met B when i had just realized that i was definitely into submission.  He liked the idea and said he thought he was a Dom.  And we were very happy.

For a while.

Then things began to change.  A couple of years married, and – i don’t know.  i can’t do it justice in  few paragraphs, but – he became less into kink, in some ways, but more likely to suddenly demand sex or whip me with a crop.  

He wouldn’t hear me when i tried to talk about what i needed.

He didn’t see me anymore.

At the time, i had a journal that i kept for us.  A hand-written journal.  So when things began to not-go-well, i wrote about it – carefully.  i didn’t want to hurt him, or damage our relationship.  But i needed to tell him what i was feeling  – he had always said he wanted that.

i tried to be gentle and just talk about what i felt.  i talked about what i thought i needed – i wanted a ritual, something to help me shift from vanilla to submission.  He didn’t seem to get that.

After a while, i didn’t write in the journal so much.

We tried to talk a couple of times, but not very successfully.

Then one day – it was the day after Valentines Day actually – i went to put something in the drawer where we kept my journal, and discovered it was gone.

i thought he’d moved it. 

He was standing right there when i opened the drower and saw it was gone.   I turned to him and said, “Where’s my journal?”

He said, casually, “I threw it away.”

i said, “What?  You what?”  i was stunned.

“I threw it away,” he said.  “Every time I saw it in there, it just made me feel bad about myself, so I threw it away.”

It knocked the wind out of me, like he’d punched me in the stomach.

I thought about that when Sin said recently that if MoS deleted her blog, she’d be mad, but it wouldn’t end her relationship with him. 

At first, i thought, Damn, she’s a lot more submissive than i am, cause i think that would be a relationship stopper.  My relationship with B started to end with the thrown-out journal.

But then i got to thinking.  Even back then, it wasn’t because he’d thrown the journal away that our relationship fell apart.  i could have forgiven that.

i couldn’t get over him not understanding why i was upset.  i felt like he’d thrown part of me away, and he acted like it wasn’t a big deal.  i needed him to understand.  

Sigh.

We would have both had to work at it to recover from that. 

Instead, he started drinking – well, started drinking more, more openly.   Or sneaking more openly.  Whatever.  

Eventually, he was just drunk all the time we were together – whenever he wasn’t at work, he was pretty much either drinking, or passed out.   The few times when i pointed out that this was creating some issues for me in our relationship, he’d say he knew it was a problem, he was going to quit.

But he didn’t.

He didn’t do anything to move toward quitting. 

And eventually, that wasn’t going to work for me – or for either of us, i guess, really.  And when i said just that – 

“We can’t go on like this forever.”  He said,

“Do you want me to move out?’  And i said,

“We can’t go on like this – so, yeah, i guess so.”

And so he did.

But i think about that, when Sin said she’d forgive Big Bad if he deleted her blog.  When i read some of the married-and-working-hard blogs, where they’re learning to manage the kink stuff in the relationship.  i guess i envy them a little, sometimes.  And then i wonder if i could have done it differently.

Sigh.

But if i had, i wouldn’t be where i am – and where i am is ok – so wtf.  Right?

Storms last night, temperature in the 30’s this morning.  A good day to be blue… Tomorrow, it warms up again and i’ll be sunny aisha!

    

 

20 Responses to “A True Story”

  1. striving for peace April 5, 2011 at 7:39 am #

    Throwing away your journal was cruel

    and maybe that’s the difference.

    his intent.

    He didn’t toss it because it was good for you — or made your more submissive. He did it to hurt you– and make himself feel better.

    Leaving didn’t just make you who you are today — it allowed you to recover and bloom into who you are today.

    sad story

    sfp

    • aisha April 5, 2011 at 9:08 pm #

      @Sfp – Yes, you’re right. He didn’t throw it away for any good Domly reasons. And yes, {smiling} I can’t really regret any of it, cause I am good with where I am and who I am. Thanks for the support!!! aisha

  2. ahiddenslave April 5, 2011 at 7:51 am #

    Its sad whenever someone does something cruel.
    It is always so difficult when we look back at our pasts not to wonder “what if?” and “if only”….I think we have probably all in our lives done this at one time or another. Somethings it informs are future thinking and decision making, but on the whole I think it usually confirms what we already knew to be true and right.
    I truly believe that we make decision when we do and, as we do, because at the THAT time , they are the right decisions to make.
    wishing i could send you some of my sunshine, but instead…sending hugs
    HSxx

    • aisha April 5, 2011 at 9:10 pm #

      Thanks, HS – your comment was some sunshine, and I appreciate it. You’re right, of course, and sometimes when I look back on those days, I think I’m trying to wring some new piece of learning out of it. Don’t really know what’s there – if there’s anything new to mine, but I keep processing it.

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. angel April 5, 2011 at 8:52 am #

    Because what we do brings up such strong emotions, most of the slave journals i’ve read over the years openly discusses rage, disgust, fear. i’m fairly sure that atleast some of the time, the Masters do not really love how they are being portrayed.
    But they have the sense to look at it in its entirety and not destroy how the other person feels and their attempts to work that out in the context of their relationship.
    The common denominator of blogs i stay with is that the Masters collectively and unequivically *care* about how their slave feels and *wants* to know what is going on in their minds/hearts/souls/bodies.

    For me, that is the only way to really stay open.

    i suspect that the same thing is true for you. So….no….i do not believe you could make your secret project come to fruition without that need being met. You deserve the best.

    Hugs, angel

    • xantu April 5, 2011 at 9:21 am #

      If Master deleted my blog… my reaction would depend entirely upon why he did it.

      Was it because he was stepping up the dominance and isolating me so that he could more deeply influence my thinking and behavior? Not only forgivable, but perhaps even welcome.

      Was he doing it because I was using it to be disrespectful and/or disobedient? Forgivable and well within his rights.

      Did he do it because he did not want to hear my words? Wanted to avoid taking responsibility… was in some strange, stick his head in the sand, manner to make me and my issues just disappear? Not so forgivable.

      But then… Master does not read my blog. He has made it very clear. “If there is something you want to say to me, you have to say it to my face.”

      • aisha April 5, 2011 at 9:48 pm #

        @Xantu – That’s fascinating to me – that he doesn’t read it. Kind of cool, too, that he wants to hear it directly, and keeps you from having to censor yourself here.

        And you’re right of course – that was part of the essential, unfixable part of it all. That he couldn’t look at himself, or ultimately at me either. I could forgive the loss of the journal, but I couldn’t stay in the relationship when he was hiding from himself.

        hugs,

        aisha

        hugs,

        aisha

    • aisha April 5, 2011 at 9:25 pm #

      @Angel – Of course you’re right – and even though I hadn’t discovered blogs back then, and didn’t know much of anything other than a few books I’d read, I thought that he was going to be able to see that the issues we were having were just one part of how things were, and that he wanted to know. And he couldn’t see that, and ultimately – yeah – you’re right – I need someone who can see me. All of me. Thanks for understanding. hugs back to you – aisha

  4. nilla April 5, 2011 at 9:20 am #

    i so, so, so get this.

    if Master asked me to stop (or deleted my blog) would it be an “end”? not sure. Honestly, it’s not something He’d ever ask, as He loves my writing. We have experiences, and He’ll say “not bloggable” or, more often…”this is bloggable…and in fact must be…”

    but i understand those traumatic “trust-breaking” moments…my blog, my journey into D/s began with one such event.

    i know its a bit pollyanna–but without those catalysts–would we be where we are today? i can say that i would be vanilla, Master-less, curiously lost, and missing out on a hugely satisfying portion of my life if things had gone differently that fateful day.

    nilla

    • aisha April 5, 2011 at 9:32 pm #

      @’Nilla – Of course your Master loves your blog – how could he possibly not????

      And you’re right – those “catalysts” make us who we are and I can’t really regret that. I hope it didn’t sound like I was “ate up” with regret or that I thought this was some horrible, horrible thing that happened to me. It’s interesting, that’s what it is.

      So I think about it, and wonder – you know, how did that happen? How did I get there? Could it have ended differently? Like I was saying – is there something I need to learn from this that I haven’t figured out yet?

      And it’s nice to be able to talk about it openly, which I couldnt’ at the time, except with JM, the amazing analyst.

      Thanks, ‘Nilla,

      aisha

  5. littlemonkey April 5, 2011 at 10:49 am #

    As one of the “married and working hards” you should know that our journey to TTWD began with a traumatic relationship breaking moment.

    Actually a series of moments. And he didn’t understand why I was upset…but part of that was because I wasn’t communicating effectively.

    We had a huge blowout, epic fight that lasted a day. Imagine a whole day of screaming at each other, savaging each other…and we came out of it with a deadline by mutual agreement, “If we can’t fix this in six months, it ends”.

    The change in how we communicate (long, gory post all on it’s own)changed us and plowed the field for what is happening now. It all started with an ugly, traumatic moment. It wouldn’t have worked if either of us had been drinking.

  6. littlemonkey April 5, 2011 at 10:57 am #

    crap. I hit enter…duh.

    I was going to say two things, that alcoholics can’t maintain any kind of effective relationship, and I for one think the person you have become is pretty damn special, so while I’m sorry that you had to go through all that pain, it has molded you into something precious.

    “Look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow, that is giving you joy”
    ~Kahlil Gibran

    • aisha April 5, 2011 at 9:44 pm #

      Dear LM –

      Interesting that it was that kind of catalyst that got you and W started on this path. Nice.

      And there’s a beautiful irony in you quoting The Prophet. I love Gibran, and particularly The Prophet. And when B and I were first dating, and working opposite shifts, we used to read it to each other twice a day – he’d read to me when I was at work, I’d read to him when he was. It was one of many sweet and romantic bonds between us…

      I still love The Prophet – and read it to clients sometimes. Especially the one you quoted. It’s amazing to me that people with little education, limited vocabulary and no exposure to the convoluted sentence structure of Gibran can listen to him and totally get it.

      many hugs,

      aisha

  7. sweet kk April 5, 2011 at 11:20 am #

    i’m not sure that there is all that much more i can add to what has already been said, but nod in agreement with it all…

    good for you for taking care of you and for allowing the situation to serve as food for growth, rather than defeat.

    and totally agreed with little monkey… alcoholics are inherently selfish beings who have nothing to give… not to bash them… i firmly believe it’s an illness… but it’s not one that you can fix… that’s up to them.

    sorry… feels little close to home, i guess…

    but more importantly, you’ve taken care of biz and grown from it… i admire that a whole lot Aisha.

    K

    • aisha April 5, 2011 at 9:54 pm #

      Thanks, K – you’re right, of course, about active alcoholics and relationships – just doesn’t work, and really, it takes more than not drinking to be able to relate. I think the hardest thing was watching him sink deeper into alcohol, and not being able to do anything – stopping myself from trying to nag or direct or counsel, but standing back and hoping he could find his way through it into recovery.

      Well, it probably was good for me in the long run. Like you said – AFOG. (Another frigging opportunity for growth – laughing…)

      Hope your own AFOG is going ok, and that you’re soaking up the ocean. Thanks for the understanding and kind words.

      hugs,

      aisha

  8. sin April 5, 2011 at 6:53 pm #

    I have TONS to say on this. I read it this morning, started to comment and had too much to say and too little time.

    That guy sucked. We should find him and beat him up. (I’m leaving unsubmissive strident comments all over the web today!)

    It sounds like he did it to hurt you, because he was weak. And god, you’d never trust him again would you? How could you live together after that?

    And I have way too much to say so will probably say some of it on my blog.

    And I agree with little monkey that the person you have become is pretty damn special.

    sin

    • aisha April 5, 2011 at 10:08 pm #

      @Sin –

      I read your comment right before I left work tonight, and stood there laughing. You sound so wonderfully fierce, and I love that. Thank you for wanting to defend me and beat him up! It makes me laugh still, and – I gotta say it again – I love it.

      Ok. Beyond that. You’re absolutely right – as it turned out, he didn’t have the integrity or the strength of character to be a Dom or to be my husband, or even to end things with much dignity. But I couldn’t know that til I gave him a chance to grow, to see if he could find his way.

      If he’d been able to – to figure out who he was, I guess, or something like that, yeah, I could have forgiven him. I was married to him and I loved him.

      He used to read The Prophet to me.

      He used to take me in his lap and hold me close.

      When I was sick – and I’m almost never sick – but when I was, he fed me and fluffed my pillows and took care of me like I was a baby. I don’t remember anyone ever taking care of me like that.

      He tried to teach me Russian martial arts, and we use to go for walks together for hours, and he was really good to my mother and ~

      ~yeah. If he could have found his way through that, if he could have done whatever he needed to do to get himself together, I would have forgiven him.

      It’s funny ~ I hardly ever think about the good times, but they existed too.

      And I still appreciate you wanting to beat him up. Big hugs, Sin.

      aisha

  9. gofish9317 April 6, 2011 at 9:51 am #

    damn Aisha, you make me want to cry and hug you. i had a member of my family who had an alcohol problem but would not take help when we offered, she died because of it. she was a lovely gracious lady and i still miss her after 20 years. it is a terrible affiliction

    • aisha April 6, 2011 at 8:04 pm #

      Dear Gofish,

      Thank you so much – that was almost as nice as getting hugged IRL.

      Yes, alcoholism is a terrible disease, all the worse because so often the people that have it can’t see their way to getting treatment…. I’m sorry about your relative. I know it’s hard.

      hugs,

      aisha

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Doms « Aisha - April 8, 2011

    […] assure you, he was doing things he wanted to do.  And clearly, as i wrote about him throwing away my journal , he didn’t want to do the psychological work of figuring out who he was and what he wanted, […]

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