8 Apr

i was reading over at Sin’s place about her idea of the Seven Deadly Sins for subs and for Doms, and thought i had more to say than fit in a comment.

Lack of integrity.  That’s my pick for the number one deadly sin, both for subs and Doms.

i wrote that, and then i rushed off to look at the definition of integrity:

“The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.”

That wasn’t exactly what i was thinking – moral uprightness sounds – um, it sounds prudish.  And you already know that’s not what i mean.  i don’t mean:

“Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code,”

cause really, that sounds even worse.  And ~ it makes it sound like it might be an external code of morals that one is adhering too.  Which doesn’t work.  So just when i began to think that “integrity” wasn’t what i meant after all, i found this quote:

“Have the courage to say no.  Have the courage to face the truth.  Do the right thing because it is right.  These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”  ~~ W. Clement Stone

That’s more like what i mean.   And maybe it’s what Sin meant when she said “Inconsistency” was the first deadly sin for Doms.

i think i’ve mentioned this before at some point, but it’s such a perfect example of  what i mean that i have to use it again.  One of the last things that B, my now ex-husband, said to me was, “I never wanted to do those things we did.  I just did them to please you.”

Now, let me be clear, i know that wasn’t true.  i was there at the time, and i assure you, he was doing things he wanted to do.  And clearly, as i wrote about him throwing away my journal , he didn’t want to do the psychological work of figuring out who he was and what he wanted, facing his shadow side, if you know what i mean.

Either way, it suggests a lack of integrity.  If he really was “doing things he didn’t want to do,” then he didn’t have the integrity then to say, No, this isn’t me.  And if he was doing what he wanted, then he lacked the integrity to own that part of himself.

Ok, enough of him- sorry – it’s always easier to see where someone else is wrong than it is to look at myself.  But it highlights what i want – a big part of what i’m looking for – in a Dom.

i want a Dom who knows who He is, and is comfortable with that.  Now, you know, the caveat to that is that He also has to want me – i’m sure there are plenty of Doms out there who know who they are and are comfortable with it who wouldn’t be interested in me.

Actually, when i think about it, The Man I First Called Sir is a good example of that.  FS has a ton of integrity.  He knows who he is, and who he wants to be, and he makes choices based on his own priorities of what’s right and what he wants and needs.  i respect and admire that, even when i think some of the things he decides are crazy.

So he’s in love with somebody who’s very vanilla, who wouldn’t even approve of kink. 

i don’t get that.  It seems to me that he has to ignore a whole big piece of who he is to be with her, and i don’t get that.  It seems crazy to me that he wouldn’t want a relationship that embraces all of who he is. 

But it’s not my relationship ~ i don’t have to get it. 

So if we talk about it, and we have a little bit, he’ll listen to my perspective, and agree with parts of it, but ultimately, he is exactly who he is, and he’s ok with that.  Even if he changes his mind on things, it’s because he’s thought about it and believes it’s right, not because of my persuasive powers.

So, yeah.  i can’t respect a Dom without integrity, and i want a Dom i can respect.  That’s not the only quality i want, but it’s the first one, for sure.

i had to laugh this morning when i read ‘Nilla’s post – her heroine is left blindfolded at the play party with a sign that says,

“Are You my Master?”

Sometimes, i feel like the character in the P.D. Eastman book:

running around from Dom to Dom, saying Are you my Master?  And since ‘Nilla has littles, i bet she had that book in mind too.


He doesn’t have to be perfect.   Not at all.  But he has to have integrity.


19 Responses to “Doms”

  1. thesubmissivebf April 8, 2011 at 8:24 am #

    I will never look at that book the same again, lol!

    • aisha April 8, 2011 at 8:42 am #

      @ubmissivebf – No doubt! {laughing} aisha

  2. k April 8, 2011 at 8:26 am #

    Aisha I just have to say I really enjoy your insights. Integrity, the courage to say no to what we don’t want and yes to what we do…yes…for subs and Doms. A Dom who is comfortable being himself is one who will be strong enough to hold his sub and keep her.

    That book used to be one of my faves;)


    • aisha April 8, 2011 at 8:41 am #

      @K – Thanks for the kind words – you’re right about the strenght needed. And glad to know we share good memories of the book! aisha

  3. sin April 8, 2011 at 8:27 am #

    Actually when I read your comment on integrity I completely agreed on how important it was. It’s very important and a man and probably in a Dom. I think I was looking for traits that were vital in Doms. And making a distinction between what regular relationship guys had to have and what relationship doms had to have. Because some things are just way more important when they are thinking, acting, deciding for two. I could not hand over decision making power to someone who didn’t have integrity. So that means what? It means that I need him to not make me do things that are just wrong, that would affect other people in detrimental ways I guess. Does he have to be religious? No way. That’s not what I mean.

    Arggg. I start writing comments on your blog and they could turn into a book. Yes I have more to say (surprise!)

    • aisha April 8, 2011 at 8:39 am #



      Well, your posts do the same thing to me – this whole post happened because my thoughts were too long for a comment. So it’s only fair that it’s back to you. There’s just a lot more to say about it ~ I may be on it for a while too, so I hope you give me some more to think about.

      Thank you for your comments and insights!


  4. Andi April 8, 2011 at 9:18 am #

    Sometimes for me writing down a list of what I don’t want is easier than writing down what I do. After a little side step to errrm “enjoy the scenery” im back to the road open to meeting the right fella. I also have to agree with you on my list integrity is at the top.

    • aisha April 8, 2011 at 2:26 pm #

      @Andi – Yes, for sure it’s easier to say what we don’t want. I think I’ll run with this theme, see if I can figure out what I do want… hugs, aisha

  5. greengirl April 8, 2011 at 9:26 am #

    You’ve laid this out so clearly. I appreciate how you can do that with complicated things. I don’t think that there is ever a perfect mesh between two people – vanilla or kink – and adding in variations of kink – i think makes for more potential mimatching. I think it takes a great deal of self awareness and integrity to decide what you must have, what you would like to have, and what you think each person could learn to work around.

    For me, and i have to believe for him too – it has been hard from both sides. It is hard to realize there are things i think would be very good for me, but not for him, so they shouldn’t be explored. From the other side, it is also difficult to know i am asking or he is doing things that are not good for him, but he’s doing them for me. Like everything else – there is a balance in there somewhere, for both of us. Finding it has to start with being honest with ourselves though.

    • aisha April 8, 2011 at 2:31 pm #

      @Gg –

      Yes, just recognizing that your needs are different takes a certain amount of relationship expertise I think. And then I think you have to factor in what’s good for you, what’s good for him – with all the aspects of that you mention – and then maybe “what’s good for the relationship too.”

      It’s fascinating how it all plays out in different relationship, like the ideas weave back and forth thru each other…



  6. Naida April 8, 2011 at 11:47 am #

    sin’s list and your insight are very interesting to think about and get lost in all the meanings that they have to each of us. I never realized how important all of those traits are, especially integrity until this D/s relationship developed. Am I odd for thinking, “why didn’t I feel like I deserved all of these things from a vanilla partner?”
    Those seven deadly Dom sin’s could be said about any man but I seem more readily able to except some of them in “vanilla” men. Hmmm weird to me.

    p.s. I can’t tell you how many times I read that book lol

    • aisha April 8, 2011 at 2:36 pm #

      Hi, Naida,

      Thanks for commenting!

      You’re right – and it is strange – how the D/s relationship piece changes our expectations – or at least it can. I don’t know why that is… something else to think about.

      Good grief It’s endless.



  7. mouse April 8, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    There is not much else to add to this. Integrity is incredibly important, even under the definitions.

    No one wants to have a partner who says one thing and does another. There is a lot inner strength that comes with integrity. Even Doms and sadistic ones can have moral principles, within the parameters or context of the lifestyle. Lines even they will not cross, e.g., punishing when angry. Their personal integrity keeps them from crossing those lines, even if they are just written in sand and meant to be washed out by the tide.

    Rambling a little too much now…sorry.


    • aisha April 8, 2011 at 2:38 pm #

      Dear Mouse,

      Not rambling at all, and you got really clear with it on your blog. The distinction you made between arrogance and dominance – I think integrity is the factor that allows a Dom to recognize when he’s crossed the line.

      Now I’m rambling, but thank for commenting.


  8. nilla April 8, 2011 at 12:41 pm #

    this is serious.

    you are in my head now.


    how the *fuck* did you know i had that book in my mind when i wrote that line?


    lil secret?

    when i was a little girl, my mom would read me that book. it was my favorite book, ever. Ever. (until Mr. Willoughby’s Christmas Tree came along)…and i still read it to my littles on occasion.

    i’m amazed someone got it. i guess i shouldn’t be at all surprised it was YOU, sister of my heart!!



    • aisha April 8, 2011 at 2:41 pm #


      Clearly sisters, no doubt.

      And really, it’s the same story, isn’t it? The bird has to keep looking until he {or she?} decides where they belong – it’s not that different…

      And funny because before I read this, I really had been feeling like that’s what I’m doing!

      And I don’t think it had been written when I was a kid, but I sure read it to my kids!


  9. Omega April 8, 2011 at 1:55 pm #

    You have touched on something profound. Integrity is needed on both sides of the power exchange.
    Be well,

    • aisha April 8, 2011 at 2:44 pm #


      I feel really honored that you read my post, and thought enough of it to comment here, Sir. I guess I also need to begin thinking about what that integrity looks like in a sub’s world…

      I’m a great admirer of Mouse’s blog, even though I don’t comment very often.

      Thank you,


  10. Mick April 8, 2011 at 6:57 pm #

    Mick has spent a lot of time reading that book to little girls over the years…

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