Aha Moments

10 Apr

Recently, somebody i’d been talking to for a while said something in an email that hurt my feelings inordinately.   i knew the hurt i felt was disproportionate to what he’d said, but there it was ~ everytime i thought about it, tears welled up. 

Sometimes, they spilled over.  

And youall know how much i hate that. 

i finally pulled together an e-mail response that sounded reasonable, and sent it.  But i was still hurt, still baffled.  So i went for a walk.  And somewhere in the middle of the walk, it hit me.  The aha moment ~

What he said to me sounded like ~ and really, it doesn’t matter at this point if it was what he meant or not ~ what he said sounded like this:

“Don’t ask me for anything ~  if you ask me for anything, you won’t get anything at all.  Don’t need anything from me ~ if you need something from me, i won’t give you anything at all.  You’re old enough/strong enough/smart enough to take care of yourself.  Go do that,  and if and when i get around to it, then maybe i’ll give you something.”

{Laughing…}  Really.

That’s what it sounded like he said.

i recognize that message.   i know it really well.  Part of the appeal of D/s, for me, is that theoretically that’s not the typical stance a Dom takes, right?  i, however, seem to have a real gift for finding ones who say exactly that.

{Ha – wait – here’s a late breaking aha moment – maybe men that are like that are attracted to me, cause i really am old enough, strong enough, and smart enough.  Maybe we find each other, trying to learn how to do this differently.  Hmmmmm.}

Anyhow.

The good news is ~ i’m getting better at recognizing it.   i’m not quite sure that’s what he said, but  i can check that out.  And ~

if that is what he said?  if that’s what he meant?

Clearly, then, i can say,

“Nooooooooo, you’re not my Master.”

*************************************************

Just want to say, i wrote this yesterday, and cut and pasted it into a follow up email to the person that was involved.  It seemed unfair to put it here without telling him directly first.

Also, i was reading  K’s blog this morning, which was about The Girl from Yemen .    That will link you to one article about a young woman’s struggle for peaceful change in her country, depsite getting arrested and spending 36 hours in chains in prison there. 

There’s a link to her facebook page, but I couldn’t get it to work.   It may be back later, i’ll keep trying.  I wanted to support her efforts in some way.  In any case, it’s an inspirational story, and i appreciate K sharing it.

 

11 Responses to “Aha Moments”

  1. sweet kk April 10, 2011 at 6:59 am #

    i don’t always like a-has but i know i’m better for them… sounds like you are too… nice one! 🙂

    K

    • aisha April 10, 2011 at 2:41 pm #

      @Kk –

      Yes, I always think they’re a little bit like getting a splinter out. It does feel better once it’s gone. And at this point in my life, they’re almost all “duh” moments too.

      aisha

  2. K April 10, 2011 at 7:40 am #

    Wow, what you wrote in quote …yeah…been there, am there, or something like that. Basically, your AHA moment is getting in the way of my denial moment, no thank you very much;) A part of me is drawn to a man who doesn’t give in to me or let me need him. I have learned about my own strength through that kind of dynamic. At the same time, maybe what I am needing and longing for is a new lesson in how TO need someone, how to be vulnerable enough to need him without losing myself. *thoughts drifting into a bunch of other ones*

    • aisha April 10, 2011 at 2:44 pm #

      @K –

      It’s interesting stuff, isn’t it? I think maybe the equation is always unbalanced a little, or not in balance for long, so we’re either learning to be more independent and self-sufficient or more connected and relliant.

      Or maybe I just made that up… laughing. I don’t know. For sure, I’m still sorting out stuff.

      aisha

  3. sin April 10, 2011 at 7:57 am #

    You know Aisha, sometimes what looks like a kind decent man on the outside, or like a nice dark dom, is actually a selfish child. Sounds like you peeled back the cover on the latter. Or perhaps I’ve missed the point entirely?

    • aisha April 10, 2011 at 2:47 pm #

      @Sin,

      Um, no, I don’t think you’ve missed the point. I think you’re absolutely right.

      And – sometimes I fall into patterns of relationships, trying to find my way out, and am not sure if it’s them or me.

      But I”m already writing my blog post for tomorrow in my head.

      Thanks,

      aisha

  4. ahiddenslave April 10, 2011 at 5:08 pm #

    aisha
    when I read your post I didnt really know how to react at first……bang my head against a brick wall for you…bang his head against a brick wall.ahhhhaa moments can hurt really badly.
    Being strong, self reliant and resourceful sometimes seems to get in the way of finding a Dom type, but then you need those qualities when you do…..one of life’s little tricks .
    Keep smiling.
    HSxx

    • aisha April 10, 2011 at 9:52 pm #

      @Hs,

      {laughing} Thanks for the thoughts – if any head banging needs to be done, it needs to be mine against the wall – certainly not yours!!!!

      Thanks for the encouraging words!

      aisha

  5. ahiddenslave April 11, 2011 at 7:37 am #

    You’re welcome aisha
    HSxx

  6. nilla April 11, 2011 at 8:42 am #

    don’t ask for this that and the other thing?

    what, is this “dom-lite”???

    where suddenly the well being, caring, consideration and general upkeep of a sub is “too much effort”???

    fuck that.

    srsly? That is *shaking head*…geeze now i’m feeling all pissy and exasperated.

    Then don’t advertise yerself as a Dom coz you aint.

    you might want to spank and tie and control…but that’s just bedroom dominance….not being a “true” Dom…

    coz if you’re not committed to Your sub? You got nuthin’ honey.

    aisha, you are well shed of that load of shit. *shaking head* You deserve so much more than that.

    geezuz.

    i love you…

    nilla

    • aisha April 11, 2011 at 9:22 pm #

      Thanks, ‘Nilla, you know I ‘preciate the support.

      He’s really not my dom, you know. He hasn’t made any commitment to me, we’ve just been talking and maybe trying it on a little. but you’re right. I need more attention than an e-mail or two a week. I just do.

      hugs,

      aisha

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