After the Coffee…

23 Apr

…i bought a Mac.

Really, i did.  And for some of you, that’ll be really exciting!  i bought the MacBook Air, even though one of my friends said absolutely not to buy that.

i got the 11-inch one

 

But the guy at the store convinced me that it’s new technology, and even though it sounds like it would be less powerful than the MacBook Pro (is that the right name?) it’s really much faster and will have more than enough storage for my needs.  And he demonstrated how much faster it was, and suggested my friend come in and check it out too.

So far, i’m deliriously happy with it.

But some of you probably want to hear about what happened between the coffee and the computer shopping.

You know, like Sfp, i find myself thinking about how youall will react to events in my life, and then realizing how ridiculous that is.  i think i feel like there’s this weight of hope and expectation from youall, and i want to just hurry up and find a nice Dom to settle down with so i don’t let you down. 

How goofy is that?  

i was in a bit of an odd mood anyhow yesterday.  We’ve had some stuff going on at work with some clients that has led to some therapists’ values being clearly exposed.  It’s created  a little tension, and i’ve  gotten a little tired of saying, “There is nothing intrinsically wrong with meeting men on the internet.”    

At the same time, it’s caused me ~ as things like that always do ~ to check my own values.  

“Slut-shaming” we call it, when the goal is to make women feel wrong for expressing their sexuality.  And i’m pretty firmly against it ~ slut-shaming that is, i’m in favor of women expressing their sexuality.  And men too, for that matter.

So yesterday, as i got all tarted up and put on my cfm shoes, i was telling the slut-shaming voices in my head to shut up and leave me alone.   Yes, i was going to this meeting with the possible intention of playing with Sir C.   And that’s ok.  i can do that.

But it put me in an odd head space, i think.  i had mental images of youall thinking, “O, there goes aisha again, off to another ‘adventure,'” and then tsk-ing.   That’s what’s been happening at work, a lot of “tsk-ing.”   And you know, i’m always sensitive to recognizing that the dividing line between me and my clients is pretty much imaginary anyhow.

Ok, so you get the picture, right?  Part of me is wanting to go meet Sir C , to get to know him and maybe to play.  And part of me is all tight-lipped, shaking my head and tsk-ing.  So i told that part of me to shut up, and went ahead with Plan A.

i have taken the good advice youall gave me about being comfortable, so i wear my dress that i bought at a festival last year ~ it is loose and flowing and feels good.

No panties, as requested.

CFM shoes.

And he is waiting, standing beside his vehicle, when i pull into the parking lot.  A distinguished looking gentleman, with white hair and deep brown eyes.

He greets me with a kiss, and that’s nice.  i’m happy to meet him, and i think he is too.  He tells me i’m beautiful ~ so sweet ~ says nice things, and we go inside.

Chai latte with skim milk, that’s what i get.  At my usual coffee place, i get the sugar-free vanilla chai, but they don’t have that at Starbucks.


We have some vanilla conversation.  i already know, Sir C is smart and well-read.  He’s had an interesting life too.  i enjoy talking to him. 

And if there’s still a part of my head that’s not engaged, that’s shaking her head and tsk-ing, i ignore her.

When he tells me to put both feet on the ground, i obey without question, my pussy throbs, and i slip a little into submissiveness.  Which feels really good.

And i realize, as i write this, i don’t want to tell the story this morning.  

Sir C is a nice man, a sweet man.  Clearly, a dominant man, one who can be gentle and firm.  He’s a good man.

And he is not my Dom.  

It kind of broke my heart a little, he’s right for me in so many ways, but he’s not ~ he’s not my Dom.

i told him that, because it’s only fair, and i think he was disappointed too, but we’re still friends, and i hope we’ll be friends forever.

i’m not sure what to do with all this “slut-shaming” stuff i’ve got going on in my head.  Fortunately, i’ve got an appointment with JM, the amazing analyst, next Friday.  Maybe he can help me sort that out. 

i’m way behind on reading OPB {Other People’s Blogs} and answering comments and e-mail, but now that i have a computer again, i hope to get caught up soon.  

i finished this post, and went to find a coffee picture to add to it – and right there in the rows of pictures, i found this too:

Which i thought was kind of cool, until i saw the heading was “Abu-Ghraib-Coffee-Table” and now i’m not sure what to think of it.  

i am confused today, a little lost.  It’s raining like we need to be building some arks, and i’m trying to flow with whatever’s going on in my head.  

i can’t just tell myself “stop it!”  

Well, i can but that’s not really so helpful.  So i guess i’ll try to ride this out.



22 Responses to “After the Coffee…”

  1. ahiddenslave April 23, 2011 at 6:27 am #

    aisha, I know what you mean about the expectations and the sort of “What aisha did next” sort of feeling. Going with an open mind and an open heart is always a good way to travel, as it gives you the opportunity to see clearly, but it does mean you geta little bruised along the way. Its good to hear that you are still friends. And always better to be honest.
    Sending love to you.
    HSxx

    • aisha April 23, 2011 at 3:21 pm #

      @HS,

      Sigh.

      You’re right ~ and I’d rather get bruised a little along the way than not go with an open mind and heart. As for the honesty part? Yeah I gotta.

      I’m glad he and I are still friend too!

      Thanks for the love. I”m glad I’ve got a computer again and can go see what’s up with you!

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. Mick April 23, 2011 at 6:47 am #

    Does blogging modify our behaviors? Interesting question. First, it would seem silly for you or any of us to take a risk or engage in something you don’t feel comfortable with simply to amuse your readers. the flip side is that this is hardly a group that would judge you because you do or do not do something with a potential Dom.

    On the other hand, I am sure Mick and Molly do a few things now and then simply because it would be fun to describe in the blog. So, yes, blogging does probably impact behavior to some extent.

    Would be curious to know why you thought this guy was not “your dom”, but maybe you don’t want to write about it here, which is cool.

    Mick

    • Molly Collins April 23, 2011 at 7:40 am #

      Hey
      sorry he is not your dom too. weird about meeting people virtually and then being so surprised in person. it could well happen to me (and you know what i’m talking about) try to ignore the judgmental thing. i fall prey to it too. wish we could grow out of it. we are about washed away with this rain too.
      love
      molly

      • aisha April 23, 2011 at 3:31 pm #

        @Molly – Thanks so much. Yeah, even though I really grew up in the late 60’s early 70’s ~~~~

        “Why don’t we do it in the road???”

        “Make love, not war”

        and so on…

        Clearly, those other, earlier voices are alive and well.

        I can remember a huge argument with my stepmother when I was about 15 and she tried to give me the “men don’t buy cows if they can get the milk free” routine. I argued passionately that

        ~~ not only was I not a cow, but I wouldn’t want any man who was only marrying me because he wanted to fuck me AND

        with great restraint ~~

        I did NOT ask her if that was the strategy she’d used with my Dad.

        I thought that took great maturity on my part.

        …laughing…

        hugs,

        aisha

    • aisha April 23, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

      @Mick,

      Yes, it is interesting, isn’t it? I would do or not do something just because of the readers’ response, that’s for sure. But I suspect it influences all of us a little bit. If nothing else – for me, there’s a certain amount of projection. So~

      even when I was picturing bloggers tsk-ing, I KNEW that was part of myself that I’d projected onto youall. So much easier to put it on youall ~ unrealistic though it may have been ~ than to have to look at why I was feeling that way myself.

      Damn this whole introspective, psychological piece of life!

      I’m not sure I can even explain why I knew, if I figure it out, maybe I can share it!

      Thanks, Mick.

      aisha

  3. nilla April 23, 2011 at 7:46 am #

    oh, sweetie!!

    no, none…no slut shaming here. And of course we want you to be happy…but settling for that??

    that’s not a good thing, not for anyone.

    Don’t settle.

    Flow with it. You don’t have to find Mr. Right at this exact moment in time. You have a questing spirit. And you will know when it is right.

    thats not for me, or any one else, here in the blogosphere or irl to push on you.

    no tsking from this slut.

    you share what you want, when you want….and if you want.

    you’re not my friend because you “give it up” here in the blog…but for being an intrinsically good person.

    hugs to my heartsister…

    nilla

    • aisha April 23, 2011 at 3:34 pm #

      @’Nilla

      You are such a wonderful Earth Mother… laughing… I knew you weren’t tsk-ing me! No, seriously, when I really thought about it, I knew none of youall were.

      I’m gonna try to flow. I swear.

      And if I don’t, that’s ok too.

      I’ll just keep working on finding my way, and it will all be ok – one way or another.

      Thanks, ‘Nilla, and hugs back to you,

      aisha

  4. striving for peace April 23, 2011 at 8:13 am #

    All that early training our parents and society gave us about what “good girls” are and are-not was really meant to serve us well in our lives

    to create a Jimminy-Cricket of our very own — whispering in our ears about what’s right and wrong

    to guide our steps along the right path

    but at some point — cute Jimminy-Cricket turned into a pinch-nosed prude with arms crossed and pursed lips. At least for me.

    I wonder if I’ll someday change that for my future kiddo

    or

    if I’ll install the same voice-track in my kid.

    It’s ok that she went on your date with you — because — as long as you know the difference between her voice and your own? You will know your right path.

    hugs Sis

    sfp

    • aisha April 23, 2011 at 3:38 pm #

      @Sfp –

      Nice images! Yes, there’s a “pinch-nosed prude with arms crossed and pursed lips” who apparently still lives inside me. I am actually the only person she judges harshly, which seems dreadfully unfair, but there it is.

      As for your kid – I don’t know. I didn’t install it in mine, but there are lots of ways that our culture does that for us. Um, when our culture isn’t over sexualizing them. Very confusing messages… she’ll be lucky to have you.

      Yep, you’re right… finding my way… finding my way.

      hugs,

      aisha

  5. Jz April 23, 2011 at 9:32 am #

    Sometimes the voices we hear don’t use words, only feelings — and we’re the ones who fill in the words.

    So, maybe the voice wasn’t trying to slut-shame you but just to say it’s ok to slow down, heal in between the disappointments, and take your time?

    just a possibility …

    • aisha April 23, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

      @Jz,

      Yes, that’s very possible too.

      You know, sometimes all this trying to figure out “the next right thing” is just exhausting! {laughing…}

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. K April 23, 2011 at 9:53 am #

    Aisha,

    As a fellow therapist, I just want to say Good For You. Yes that line is imaginary. A co-worker once told me, ‘it’s not us and them, it’s just us.’ Not all therapists get that.

    As for slut-shaming, it is sad how it can turn into internalized guilt, shame, etc. I too have tsk-ed myself many a time. Not to say I haven’t made decisions in my life that I would do way differently today, but yeah, it was and is part of my journey.

    I believe having an open heart and mind is all that we have to worry about, the rest will unfold 🙂

    Chai is good:)

    K

    • aisha April 23, 2011 at 3:45 pm #

      @K,

      Hey, I didn’t realize you were a therapist too! Cool!

      Yes, those therapists who think there’s a distinction are dangerous sometimes, and miss the benefits of all kinds of personal growth, don’t they?

      Right, I think there’s a difference between saying, “I could have done that differently,” and “that was bad.” Are you familiar with Linnehan and dialectical behavior therapy? That whole non-judgmental piece is so helpful.

      O, cool, we’ll both have chai when we go for coffee!

      hugs,

      aisha

  7. xantu April 23, 2011 at 10:01 am #

    Life is a journey… and there is no rule that says we cannot stop at a few coffee shops along the way.

    • aisha April 23, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

      @Xantu,

      Nice…

      True, too!

      hugs,

      aisha

  8. ewoman88 April 23, 2011 at 10:41 am #

    I echo K, chai is Da Bomb!

    Congrats on the Mac, I love the Air for it’s shininess and general sexiness 🙂

    I hope you’ll find a Dom to fit your kinks and I’m glad you have a friend in Sir C

    • aisha April 23, 2011 at 3:47 pm #

      @ewoman,

      Cool – you have to come have chai with us then!

      Thanks, yes, I love my Mac already! It is sexy, isn’t it??

      Thanks for the hopeful wishes too!

      hugs,

      aisha

  9. angel April 23, 2011 at 11:54 am #

    i don’t really differentiate between people i closely read and people i get close with in what we loosely call “real life.” (which makes this, what? fake life?)

    Friends will love your integrity…and a part of that means friends don’t want you to paste on a happy face. We want it all, dammit.

    Enjoy everything you can in this life.

    i sort of focus on…
    a reason, a season, and a lifetime…
    and try to not too quickly judge which group a person will end up in. Though when its not a lifetime…yeah, you know that right away. 🙂

    i’m sorry you feel out of sorts. What is really bothering you???

    • aisha April 23, 2011 at 3:58 pm #

      Dear Angel,

      No, this is not “fake life” ~ it’s imaginary. {laughing…} Ok, it’s not really. Actually, it’s sometimes more real than my “real life”. There are very few people who are involved in my vanilla life and my kink life too – only one, really, at this point. And I rarely see her.

      Although – today, I asked a friend of mine what was new with her and she began telling me that she’s dating this married couple, and talking about all the interesting dynamics that go with the various combinations of relationship.

      But anyhow.

      Yeah, I don’t really think I have to paste on a happy face. I swear.

      And you’re right – I like the “a reason, a season, and a lifetime…” perspective too.

      I don’t know what’s really bothering me – I am out of sorts though a bit though. I guess I’ll just keep going and see what happens or what I feel next…

      Thanks,

      aisha

  10. k April 23, 2011 at 4:54 pm #

    Yeah I just thought it was the coolest thing to come across a therapist who shares the D/s piece:-) I have a basic understanding of DBT and really like it. I’m inspired now to go catch up on more.

    Yes coffee Chai any time:)

    K

    • aisha April 24, 2011 at 5:34 am #

      O, and you’re a Paul Coehlo fan too!! I just recently “discovered” him and really like him.
      How cool!

      aisha

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