Sluts and more

30 Apr

It’s another beautiful day.  The sun is shining.  i’ve already done my volunteer thing and had breakfast.  Have an afternoon of activities ahead of me, most of which will be fun.  So life is good.

i saw JM, the amazing analyst yesterday, which always brightens my day, and sometimes my week.  We were talking about judgement – not using good judgement, but making judgements about other people’s sexuality.  

i work in a ~ culture, i guess is the right term ~ a culture that’s very judgmental about sexuality, especially  about women, of course.  Boys will be boys, and you know, they can’t help it.  There’s “nice” girls and “bad” girls and bad girls do and nice girls don’t.  Bad girls are just like prostitutes, except they don’t get paid.  And sometimes ~

~~ sometimes ~~ brace yourself now

~~~~~~~~~~ sometimes they “do it” because they just like sex.

True.  Shocking, but true.  

And, as you may guess, this is not my stance on the universe or sexuality and it is often a struggle for me to be balanced and not just leap out there and alienate half the staff and most of my clients.  But that wouldn’t solve anything, and wouldn’t even help, so i’m always trying to challenge the ideas in more subtle ways, to bring them into question and explore them.

So when i realize that somehow, i’ve bought into it, somehow i’m taking that judgmental stance with myself, i am filled with dismay.  But there it is

As i told JM yesterday, only half kidding, we all know there is an actual number of people you can have an intimate relationship with before you cross an invisible line and become ~

~ and i get a little stuck here, because what do you become?  Not a fallen woman, i think as far as i’m concerned, that boat already sailed.  Not a slut or a bad girl, cause those are terms of endearment.  But still, there’s something you become, what can it be???? 

i never did name it yesterday, for sure, he knew what a meant, and we let it go at that.  But writing this today, it hit me ~~~


A sex addict!

That’s what we become.

And how funny is that?  That i think calling someone a “sex addict” is more pejorative than slut.  But anyhow…

…i was talking about how i kinda got caught up in that for a while, being a little afraid that i was going to hit that actual number and cross the line.  And maybe i’m still working my way back out of it.

i was thinking too about the difference between a Dom or a Master and someone vanilla who just likes rough sex.  Is there a difference?  Yes, i’m pretty sure there is, and JM agreed, and when i said i didn’t think i could articulate the difference, he said he’d hoped i would, cause he couldn’t.  But it’s there, right?

And that’s what i’m thinking about on a beautiful Saturday in April with a whole lovely afternoon ahead of me.  {smiling…}

10 Responses to “Sluts and more”

  1. Nick April 30, 2011 at 12:38 pm #

    The girl finds it almost impossible to refer to herself as slut. I think it’s also about how it feels when you are with those people. If there is intimacy and a connection other than the obvious sexual gratification then it’s the wrong word.

    It’s also sunny here in UK but I am at the wrong end of the day and soon I will have to go inside to escape the cool breeze. Enjoy your day .

    • aisha April 30, 2011 at 8:51 pm #


      Yes, I think you’re right – intimacy and a connection do make the difference. The “slut” word doesn’t usually bother me, as long as it’s used affectionately. I don’t know why I’ve gotten so stuck in this mode with all the judgment and guilt.

      I’m about to take myself to bed now, so I suppose you’re up, or will be soon. Hope your day goes well.


  2. thesubmissivebf April 30, 2011 at 3:15 pm #

    So what is the actual number? so I’ll know where I fall.

    • aisha April 30, 2011 at 8:53 pm #

      @Sbf –

      That’s the problem!! {laughing} I don’t KNOW what the number is, if I did, I could make sure I stop short of the line. But I’m working in the dark!



  3. Sir J April 30, 2011 at 4:06 pm #

    I think the word you were looking of is…

    • Mick April 30, 2011 at 4:30 pm #

      Is the number always constant or is it X during Y number of years?

      In other words, as we get older, can’t the number get larger?


      • aisha April 30, 2011 at 9:01 pm #


        {laughing} yes, I think you’re right, it’s a ratio, not an absolute number.


    • aisha April 30, 2011 at 8:53 pm #

      Thank you, Sir J. That was very thoughtful of you. Thank you very much. aisha

  4. Draugluin April 30, 2011 at 8:38 pm #

    Some of My best friends are sluts and they are the most wonderful people I will ever meet. Society’s dual standard for men and women when it comes to promiscuity is asinine. Just like its proclamation that only skinny can be beautiful. People see it on tv and movies. Its splashed across every ridiculous magazine at the grocery checkout,
    Even in corporate society. If he is sleeping with his secretary it gets winks and high fives. If she is sleeping with her boss it gets “For shames’ and evil looks.

    Sex addict is just another term that someone came up with negatively label people who like sex.There are addictive personalities yes, but I would expect you would find other areas of addiction in any supposed sex addicts life. They are an addicted person, not a sex addict. The church proclaims sex is just for making babies. When it comes to the ” but it feels really good too” part they don’t want you to notice that part.

    @Nick: I know some ladies who hate being referred to as a slut, and some who love it. It is a word that is situational in that you wouldn’t introduce your significant other to strangers as ” your slut”, However in the bedroom the word can lovingly embrace her sexuality.

    In the end labels that others put on us only hurt us if we let them. Aisha the best way to judge yourself is through your own eyes. Not through the eyes of others. Don’t let the clouded minds of others put your thoughts onto a negative view of what is a positive thing in your life. my 2 cents worth.


    • aisha April 30, 2011 at 8:59 pm #


      Thank you for your response, it’s nice to hear you express such supportive ideas. For sure, I agree with you, and in my head I know you’re absolutely right. I guess it’s my heart that isn’t sure? But that doesn’t seem right either. It’s just some little judgmental piece of myself – kind of like “chuch lady” on the old SNL’s, right?

      But you’re right – I will fight against those influences in my head. Thanks for helping!


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