Old Memories

14 May

There’s a Dom, and when i talk to Him, it triggers all my PTSD stuff.  

He doesn’t mean to.  That’s not his goal.  He’s just being a Dom, just being who he is.

i don’t even know how He does it.  

But somehow, when we talk, i end up flooded with feelings.  The feelings seem like they’re connected with whatever He’s saying, whatever we’re talking about.  But they’re so strong.

i feel flooded with the feelings.  Often, they make me feel like crying.  Make me want to curl up in a ball and stay there.  Forever.

And then, while i’m feeling all shamed and overwhelmed with it, i realize ~~

~~it has practically nothing to do with Him.  Whatever he’s said or done is not really even in the realm of shame-based things that his words have triggered.  No.

He’s sparked an emotional memory.  The feelings are connected to some long gone event, and he’s tugged on the strings that connect to it.  He didn’t cause it.

It’s like eating ice cream when you have a bad tooth.  Have you ever done that? And suddenly the ice cream ~ the sweet and the cold ~ hit a nerve.  The pain is so sharp and intense, you almost scream.  And then, mercifully, it fades, and you think you might live after all.

It’s a little bit like that, not quite so sudden, not quite so sharp, and it doesn’t fade as quickly either.  But the ice cream doesn’t mean to hurt, and neither does He.  So He doesn’t understand when i react. 

i’m learning that when i feel that way, it just means something has hit a nerve.  An exposed nerve.  

i’ve done so much healing that i don’t think i’m supposed to have any exposed nerves.  i don’t like it when it happens ~ well ~ laughing… of course i don’t like it, it hurts.  But i don’t like it because i think, Damn, another one?  i didn’t realize i had so many!

i know now that when i feel that way, i need to look to myself, look at myself, and poke around til i find where the nerve connects to my life.  

It’s not a fun process, it doesn’t feel good.  But when i look, i see it.  And then i feel it.  

Sigh.

Which is what  i don’t want to do, but there it is.  

There’s a story sitting in my mind now.  Forty years ago it happened, and the feeling is as fresh as yesterday.

i was 14 or 15.  We were in bed.  He said he thought i was old enough to do something new.

i thought he meant oral sex ~ with me receiving ~ and i was delighted.   i agreed with great enthusiasm.

He said it might hurt a little bit.

i was too excited to pay enough attention to that.  i thought, well, i don’t know why that would hurt, but i’ve been wanting to know what it’s like.  i bet i’ll like it.

So i said, “That’s ok, i don’t care, go ahead.  i want to try it. i’m not worried about it hurting.”

Only it wasn’t oral sex he was talking about, not the caress of mouth and tongue on my pussy.  It was anal sex, brutal, unlubricated thrusts. 

The pain is in the “i asked for it,” and “i should have known better.” And underlying that, the belief, “If you ask for it, you deserve what you get.  It was your own fault.”

My rational mind doesn’t believe that.  Rationally, i don’t believe it was my fault.  To believe it with my heart, i have to remember how i felt.  The quick flip from joyful anticipation to pain.

But mostly i remember that deep sense of shame, that this was happening because i asked for it.  Shame and feeling stupid because i’d thought he wanted oral sex.  

“i should have known better.”

At their best, D/s relationships are healing – they trigger memories, or replicate situations, but this time the ending is different.  That’s happened to me a bunch of times.  When it does, there’s a rush of joy, a sense of being set free.

i haven’t shed this memory yet ~ well, not the memory, but the feelings connected to it.  i don’t know what work i still need to do around that, but at least i know it’s there and needs work.  i guess that’s helpful.


12 Responses to “Old Memories”

  1. histoy May 14, 2011 at 6:17 am #

    Lessons are how we grow, how we define our paths…
    Beautifully written…

  2. Mick May 14, 2011 at 6:35 am #

    hmmm… wondering why do you think this guy brings back those feelings. (Don’t go deeper if you don’t feel like it though).

    Mick

  3. k May 14, 2011 at 6:56 am #

    Hugs just hugs.

  4. vanillamom May 14, 2011 at 7:53 am #

    you were innocent enough to not know.
    He was older than you and did.

    You felt trapped…by your acquiescence, by his physical force, i’d guess?

    So he raped your ass…and your mind. i don’t have a magical key…but i do suspect that forgiveness is part of what makes the key open the lock to the door holding that inside of you..

    Forgiveness of YOU, your innocence…and placing blame onto him…where you seem to not place it (at least here, you didn’t perhaps in your head you do?)

    and then releasing it.

    Wouldn’t it be great if that came easily?

    HUG…you share deep intense things…and i love you for that kind of bravery.

    you are a hero, heartsister.

    (and another cure, imho, would be the same introduction to anal that i got…slow, steady, gentle…someone who groks the fear, and wants it to be good, even while He is in charge…)

    love,

    nilla

  5. angel May 14, 2011 at 8:15 am #

    Hugs to you. i want to think on this more and give the kind of reply this deserves. i do. But i might not be able to.

    Heres the deal.
    i went through that too. i was older by a couple of years but i really trusted him. Every cell in the body has a memory. So i had to work at it to not have major issues with anal sex after that. Its serious work to stay there and not end up in another time. When something like that could trigger, i let people know i had a bad experience there.

    See if you can figure out what it is about this man that triggers you to begin with. Even if the ice cream doesn’t mean to make an exposed nerve sing in pain, i still don’t need to eat it.

    In my experience, there is something. A word phrase, smell, gestures, physicality, something.
    The more obvious it should be, the harder it is to see sometimes.

    Are you able to tell, for sure, that this is not your gut trying to tell you something?

    Atleast you know if you were not able to deal, the whole thing emotionally would be lost to you anyhow.

    Hugs.

  6. Donna May 14, 2011 at 10:20 am #

    Hoping you don’t mind me going here…so is there a chance this Dom brings up these feelings because you want to trust him and he is knocking on a wall erected by your subconscious, a wall that is a deep distrust of men with certain traits? Maybe a wall that is a barrier to finding your Dom? So often the closer we come to our goal, the more walls pop up that have to be torn down.

    Love,
    Donna

  7. sin May 14, 2011 at 11:08 am #

    Aisha, what triggers this? A word or a topic or an attitude?

    And I want to hug the little girl you were, thinking that you had asked for it. And the woman you have grown into, who knows that you didn’t really but still has this memory of shame.

    sin

  8. ewoman88 May 14, 2011 at 1:23 pm #

    hugs, love, thoughts and prayers dear…

  9. thesubmissivebf May 14, 2011 at 2:25 pm #

    Hugs to you!!

    PS I don’t have your email address 😦

  10. littlemonkey May 14, 2011 at 2:47 pm #

    I was the same age when my trauma happened. I spent 25 years of my life beating myself with this same shame. Just as it took my adult self a very long time to believe I wasn’t to blame, it took a while before my inner child believed it. Keep talking to her, aisha, say it enough times and she’ll come to know it too. I also think Donna might be on one of the right tracks with her suggestion.

  11. aisha May 14, 2011 at 9:54 pm #

    Dear Friends,

    Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and thought-provoking comments – I think I’ll try to respond in my blog post tomorrow. I was going to answer each of you today, but I had a family get-together and then went to a baseball game – my first ever. laughing.. I had no idea they were so long! {But it was fun, and I even had a hotdog with onions ~ just shows what a committed vegetarian I’m not ~ but it just seemed appropriate.}

    hugs,

    aisha

    • ahiddenslave May 14, 2011 at 10:39 pm #

      aisha, i have just read ur post, hugs and an email to followxx
      HSxx

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