Dying

20 May

i went to see my Mama yesterday.  She is skin and bones.   People say that, but i didn’t really know what it meant til yesterday.

i put my hand on her shoulder.  i think she’s about an inch and a half thick.  

She’s in her wheelchair.  She looks up when i say, “Hey, Mama, whatcha doing?”

She smiles, says, “Oh, hello,” and then her eyes cloud over.  If i don’t keep talking, she’ll fall back asleep.

It seems like she’s been gone so long already.

Her head droops, she starts to nod.  i take her hand, “Whatcha been doing?”

She opens her eyes, a little startled.  “Mama!’ she says, pleased to see me.

i’ve been saying good-bye to her for so long.  The first time she called me “Mama,” it felt so odd.  

i wanted to cry.  Wanted to laugh, to say, “No, o, no, you’re confused.  i’m not your mama, i’m your daughter!  Don’t you remember me?”  

But she sounded so happy, I didn’t have the heart to try to set her straight.

i’ve been saying good-bye for so long.

i knew she was dying.  

Today, i know it a little bit more.

{Yes, i’m ok.  Really.}  

17 Responses to “Dying”

  1. Mick May 20, 2011 at 6:23 am #

    it’s a very strange, sad feeling when a parent no longer knows who you are. Mick

  2. thesubmissivebf May 20, 2011 at 6:25 am #

    Hugs to you…

  3. Alujna May 20, 2011 at 6:27 am #

    My grand ma is like that now… She doesn’t recognize me any more…. She’s 95 now… I feel really sad. Sometimes I wish she didn’t suffer so much. It’s been a long year for her… I know there’s nothing I can do for either of you… So just HUGS….

  4. ahiddenslave May 20, 2011 at 7:32 am #

    aisha, so sad for both you and your mum, sending lovexxx
    HSxx

  5. sin May 20, 2011 at 7:46 am #

    This makes me cry a little. I think this is the easiest way to let go in a way. A little bit at a time. But there is no easy way, is there? I’m sorry, this is a sad time for you. I think I’m saying this badly, but it’s the best attempt of several so I’ll leave it. You’ll know what I mean I hope.

    Sending you hugs,

    sin

  6. Donna May 20, 2011 at 9:15 am #

    We’re here for you.

    Donna & Bill

  7. ewoman88 May 20, 2011 at 10:13 am #

    we really are parents to them once they can no longer care for themsleves… hugs for you and lotsa love 🙂

    E

  8. poured out May 20, 2011 at 10:21 am #

    I’m sorry.

    Hugs
    poured out

  9. greengirl May 20, 2011 at 10:22 am #

    There are so many ways to lose someone, and none is easy. I believe that loving and being loved are better, not easier, but better.

  10. littlemonkey May 20, 2011 at 10:47 am #

    My mother was gone long before she left us. After she passes and the initial grief is over, you will more and more often remember her the way she was, instead of the way she became. She might not remember your name, but she remembers your love.

  11. k May 20, 2011 at 11:26 am #

    aisha, thank you for sharing this. My heart goes out to you..K

  12. angel May 20, 2011 at 11:39 am #

    Death certainly be not proud.

    Not that way.

    i have photos that chronical my grandmothers last several months as she disappeared a bit at a time.
    It helps to look back and see that it was time for her to go.

    Dying is just being born in reverse. Except its tragic for onlookers instead of joyful.
    But–strangely–a miracle of its own?

    Maybe you could take something of hers to release to the sea when you get your vacation.

  13. nancy May 20, 2011 at 12:20 pm #

    It is the hardest thing we have to do, watching our parents die right there in front of us.
    My heart goes out to you.
    hugs,
    nancy

  14. Andi May 20, 2011 at 1:00 pm #

    Loads of love to you

  15. aisha May 20, 2011 at 9:31 pm #

    Hey, Thank you all so much, I want to go through and respond one by one, but I just can’t tonight. I loved getting your comments today though – I was at a training, and just kept checking my iphone and feeling loved. Thank you.

    aisha

  16. gofish9317 May 21, 2011 at 1:06 am #

    Aisha,

    this is a terrible burden you bear. My father is slowly fading also, all we can do is be there and comfort them and each other. my thoughts are of you as you go through this.

  17. striving for peace May 22, 2011 at 8:31 am #

    When my grandfather was dying of brain cancer so many years ago — he used to think my mother was his favorite sister —

    he was always so excited to see her.

    and I’ve always thought — that they cast you in a role that fits best with the time they’re in that matches how they feel.

    I always though he honored my Mom by making her this particular sister.

    sfp

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