And When He Called…

3 Jun

So i was tired last night; it was late, and i was weary.

You know, if you read me regularly, that my mother is dying.  This last week the pace has increased, so i’m not working, i’m spending time with her, and taking care of myself, and doing things that need to be done.  And i was tired last night.

i heard from MoR, which was so nice.  i had e-mailed him to tell him about my mom a couple of days ago, but he didn’t have internet, so then yesterday, he sends me 5 separate e-mails, which is like having 5 gift-wrapped packages to open.     i answer his messages, think about how good it feels to hear from him.

i IM with BNL for just a little bit.  

Then i go for a walk, which helps work some of the kinks out of my body. {O, not good kinks, the i’m-getting-old-and sitting-too-long kinks.}  i don’t know what i need more, to be held or to be spanked.  Possibly both at the same time.  MoR says later, “a really good whipping would do you the most good…..something about the physicality of it relieves the pain…..its strange….but it works…..”

i am thinking about bondage too, as i walk, and being contained, and how nice that would feel.  i feel ~ at loose ends.  It might be nice not to be able to move at all for a little bit.  To be held tightly.

After i get home, and just as i’m  thinking “bed, for real”, the phone rings.  

It’s TLM.

His voice is like honey.  It pours over me, and something inside me relaxes.  It doesn’t really matter that he hasn’t called sooner, he’s not obligated to.  He has called now.

We chat, mostly about him.  He tells me he’s a “terrible workaholic” and in his accent, it sounds like a good thing, even though i know better.  i think this is his apology for not calling, as he goes on to talk about getting caught up in work and losing track of time.

Then we talk a little about his son, who’s coming to visit, and his business plans.  He tells me some things he’s thinking about doing, and i make supportive noises.  

He says he’s praying for guidance, and from some people that would sound – annoying {sorry, it just would} and maybe it’s the accent, but it doesn’t ~ it just sounds right.  

“I talk to people,” he says, “When i want to do something, and I pray, and then I hold still.  I wait, and I listen before I decide.”

i am mesmerized by the voice, and the accent.  i don’t know if he’s from Jamaica, or Belize, or where, but it’s the soft, buttery flow of reggae music, and it’s hard to understand unless i catch the rhythm just right.  Then it is crystal clear, like riding waves…

He apologizes for calling so late, and promises to do better.  And then i say,

“My mother is dying.”

Just blurt it out, just like that. 

“O,” he says, “O, yes, that is so hard.”  He pauses a moment.  Then he says,

“I talk to you now just as a friend, just as a friend, there is not much one can say.  But I know, my father, he died.  And he died a long time ago, but I remember.  I am glad that he lived, glad that he is not suffering pain now, no more pain, and I am glad for the things that he taught me, the things that I learned as a little child because of who he is…”

And i’m just listening, and nodding.  He goes on,

“So i send you that feeling, and that energy, i give some of that to you, now,” he says.

And his words are what i need at that moment.  They do transfer some energy into me…

He finishes, “So if you want to get together, after 8:00 some night, maybe for an hour, maybe to do something simple, because I am a simple man, you come.  We get together.  Or if you want to talk, you call me.  I will call you, but if you want to talk, you call me.”

And something inside me unknots.  

 i am in liminal time with my mother – betwixt and between life and death.  She see things, points to the ceiling, hums and smiles to herself sometimes.  i don’t know where she is, but i am there with her, as best i can be.

I am so grateful for so many people who’ve touched me in so many ways ~ and some of them are you who are reading this right now.  i am so grateful.  My friends who send messages, who make me cry and make me smile.  

i still don’t know who TLM is, what he’s about.  But last night, he touched my heart, with his voice and his words, he laid a hand on my heart.

i am grateful.

26 Responses to “And When He Called…”

  1. sin June 3, 2011 at 6:42 am #

    I think that maybe sometimes all anyone else can do is listen? And care?

    Big hug.


    • aisha June 3, 2011 at 7:06 am #


      You’re so right. And you’re on my “grateful for” list for sure. Not to mention that reading your blog yesterday was an amazingly distracting moment!



  2. histoy June 3, 2011 at 7:13 am #

    Some warm felt hugs sent your way….

    • aisha June 3, 2011 at 7:19 am #

      Thanks so much – feeling them now!


  3. Andi June 3, 2011 at 7:46 am #

    It takes connection to send and receive. I’m with you on the losing a parent boat, my father bumbles about talking to long gone relatives. While my loss won’t be as painful as yours it’s hard to watch my mom lose her husband. My nephew lose the potentially good grandfather. My sisters chance of ever having a relationship with him dwindle away. That is hard. Today though I want to share with you something my grandpa said to me In a lucid moment (We were very close and lived each other dearly) he took my hand in his and for a moment I was distracted by the strength still there I watch his hand in mine and started to cry. He chuckled and asked me to look at him and said. “Sweetheart, I’ve lived. I’ve loved you and your mom and your sister. You have the light of God in you because you care. All I can say is that when I get up there and I’m looking down here you will never disappoint me. Anytime you need me just sing our little song all of the things you’ve kept in here (and he taps my heart) they will hold you through until I see you again.” and I cried and cried. He was gone later that day.

    But much like me on your last post suggesting to enjoy the ride I ask the same of you here. The ride may have stopped here with TLM only for a minute maybe for a while, sometimes it’s good to just leave your bags in the vehicle and lose yourself in the moment. I send you love and soothing and a hand forever in yours to know you are bot alone.

    • aisha June 3, 2011 at 8:27 am #

      Dear Andi,

      And of course you made me cry – the beautiful story about your grandfather… and your kind words of wisdom.

      My platter of things to be grateful for overflows, and you are soooo on it.

      many hugs,


  4. Nick June 3, 2011 at 8:21 am #

    I lost My mum 11 years ago. And My grandmother 24 years ago. I loved them both while they were here and I miss them both still. The grief does go eventually and you are left with them in you, in your memories. And the memories are warm and comforting.

    big hugs from Me too

    N x

    • aisha June 3, 2011 at 8:28 am #

      Thank you so much, Nick. You know, my usual style would not be to reach out for support, but I’m so glad I did. Thank you.


  5. nilla June 3, 2011 at 8:48 am #


    heart-rending…beautiful…i’m liking him..a lot..

    and crying.

    will email backchannel later..hug.


    • aisha June 3, 2011 at 8:55 am #

      Dear ‘Nilla,

      Well, it’s only fair if i’ve made you cry, cause your words have done that to me more than once since i started down this path with my Mama.

      I like him too, and I think he’s going to be my swami-guru, and we will burn incense, and sage, sitting crossed-legged on the floor, or in the park.

      Thank you, ‘Nilla, always,



  6. angel June 3, 2011 at 8:48 am #

    i’m so proud of you for reaching out like that. It was so brave, darlin’.

    There is no right way to do this. No easy way.

    i dreamt i sent you a box of glass bottles, so you could write you Mama notes and throw them into the sea. i did not even explain what the collection of blue and green glass bottles were for. You just knew.

    You are not alone. So many people care about you and are sitting with you.

    • aisha June 3, 2011 at 9:04 am #

      Thanks, Angel – it did have that “jumping into the deep end of the pool” feel about it…

      I love your dream! It reminds me of something that JM, the amazing analyst, said, which is too long to go into right now, but remember that the ocean can represent the feminine, and the great, archetypal mother? So cool. That totally works – thanks for the bottles. yes, of course I know what they’re for!

      I feel that I’m not alone, and appreciate that greatly.



  7. ahiddenslave June 3, 2011 at 8:55 am #

    all I can send is my love, no words are enough xx

    • aisha June 3, 2011 at 9:04 am #

      Dear HS,

      Sending your love is more than enough. Thank you.



  8. Alujna June 3, 2011 at 9:30 am #

    Hugs Aisha ……. Sending more energy your way….

    • aisha June 3, 2011 at 9:44 am #

      Thank you, Alujna. Thank you so much.



  9. Naida June 3, 2011 at 11:00 am #


    Thinking good thoughts for you and sending hugs your way.

    • aisha June 3, 2011 at 12:21 pm #

      Thank you so much…



      Sent from my iPhone

  10. nancy June 3, 2011 at 5:27 pm #

    If only I could reach out and hug you really instead of virtually!
    But in this crazy world this is all I can there are as many hugs as you want and a few more that you need coming your way.

    My parents died 3 months apart 13 years ago.

    My heart goes out to you in this sad and lonely journey you are making.

    • aisha June 3, 2011 at 9:48 pm #

      Dear Nancy,

      Your words really are a hug, even if its virtual, I swear I can feel it.

      That must have been so hard, losing both your parents that close together.

      Thank you so much,



  11. k June 3, 2011 at 6:45 pm #

    Thinking of you.

    • aisha June 3, 2011 at 9:48 pm #

      Thank you, K.



  12. gofish9317 June 3, 2011 at 7:52 pm #

    my thoughts are with you,please contact me if i can be of any use

    • aisha June 3, 2011 at 9:48 pm #

      Thank you, gofish.



  13. Mick June 3, 2011 at 9:06 pm #

    nice, Aisha/ Our thoughts are with you… Molly and Mick

    • aisha June 3, 2011 at 9:49 pm #

      Thanks, Mick and Molly.



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