Fun Things

22 Jun

i love it when i find things on facebook that fit here.  i thought you all might enjoy this – I laughed out loud.

And thought you might enjoy this picture i took, which i thought was kind of sexy:

Beyond that – well, you know – webcam, conversations, all of that is still going on with GW.

So let’s talk about punishment –

What do you think the role of punishment is in a D/s dynamic?

i think it’s symbolic.  i argued that at the discussion last Sunday, maybe too vehemently.  But the idea that punishment is what makes us not do something again seems ridiculous to me.

It doesn’t work that way with children – they don’t change behavior because they’ve been punished, why would it work that way with subs or slaves?   Or – if they do, it’s because they’re scared.  Which means they’re not invested in the behavior change, they just want to avoid punishment.

That’s not to say that punishment doesn’t serve a purpose.  i believe it sends a message, and i believe it should be a clear message.

Subs all know that if you have a good relationship, it is a punishment to know that you’ve disappointed your Dom, that you’ve let Him/Her down.   What happens after that is symbolic.

The punishment says, “You’ve let me down – don’t do it again!”  It may serve as a powerful reminder not to do it again because it affects emotional mind.

If you know rationally that you made a mistake and shouldn’t do it again, that’s one thing.  If you feel it – if emotional mind is engaged – if there’s the visceral feeling of having failed, of having not lived up to expectations – the lesson stands out.

The point of punishment is to engage emotional mind in the experience.  So instead of just knowing in your head that you don’t want to make a particular mistake again, you feel it through all of your being.  That is the most powerful form of learning.

So yes, if somebody beats you half to death, you’ll feel it.  {Although at some point, you’ll probably dissociate, which defeats the purpose too}   But it may be just as effective for them to say, “You’ve let me down.  Write an essay about what you did wrong.”  Or “Go to the corner and think about it.”  Or – possibly worst, “I’m not going talk to you for x amount of time.”

Extreme physical punishment – or any extreme – may be more likely to lead to emotional distancing, which can be counter productive.  It’s not the severity of the punishment that matters – it’s the symbolic severity  What’s important is that the sub gets the message on a deep emotional level.

Which leads me down some different metal paths – punishment also allows a sub to get closure on what was done wrong, to feel forgiven.  There is value in that, and that may be a topic worth exploring.

And – we teach children to obey is so that they will survive childhood and eventually be able to function independently.  With subs/slaves, that’s not really the goal.  So what is the point?  What is TTWD about on that level?

And – thinking symbolically – lots of the  “do this” things that Doms want are literally fairly pointless – they don’t serve a real purpose.  But symbolically, they’re very powerful.

So, just for example, if GW wanted me to use that red lipstick in the picture on my nipples – well, i guess that might serve an aesthetic purpose.  But there’s no real value to the activity.  No worthwhile function.

On the other hand, it might feel very submissive to obey a directive like that.  

And sexy.  

Know what i mean?

13 Responses to “Fun Things”

  1. Mick June 22, 2011 at 6:47 am #

    I’m thinking about it’s role for the Domme… when Mistress punishes me with a few if painful strokes I think it helps her purge some bad feelings or emotions she might have about how I handled something, rather than internalize them and let them fester and simmer. it works for us….

    • aisha June 22, 2011 at 9:14 pm #

      @Mick –

      Good point. That’s interesting. And that makes the dynamic very different from punishing children too, since we frown on whacking kids to make yourself feel better . Although, for sure, some parents felt that way.

      And yes, it does work for you. That’s why I think of Molly and you as the Mom and Pop of the kink blogging world.


  2. sin June 22, 2011 at 7:02 am #

    Aisha, I think this is brilliant. Very insightful. It helps a lot to read someone else’ point of view on this topic, especially someone who is exploring the subject.

    Mick, I actually agree with this, and know that this happens in my relationship too.

    • aisha June 22, 2011 at 9:35 pm #

      Thank, Sin – that means a lot to me coming from you! And it is a fascinating topic, isn’t it?


  3. vanillamom June 22, 2011 at 8:19 am #

    i want to comment but my head is muzzy. will send email later.



    • aisha June 22, 2011 at 9:35 pm #

      Take care of yourself and get well!


  4. Andi June 22, 2011 at 8:29 am #

    As mIck and sin said the actual physical side of punishment or the act that creates a visual change (the lipstick). Creates for the Dom/me’s we love so much a tangible moment in which we say, I’m
    Sorry. So whereas we, as adults, are making the decision to submit ( by accepting punishment), children are not.

    I lived 15 years of my life terrified of the belt and harsh words. scared of the punishment and while
    My experience was different (for I was being punished
    For nothing) I see where you are coming from. While in a D/s relationship the fear of punishment has altered my behavior, it is not of the physical punishment. But, because of my desire to not disappoint. So in that case I learned. Ive felt the distancing and the full
    Emotional comprehension.

    Good post. Thank you

    • Nick June 22, 2011 at 9:48 am #

      I think you just found a topic for your next HNT .

      • aisha June 22, 2011 at 9:43 pm #


        …laughing… omigoodness, i don’t know if i could do that! But it would certainly work wouldn’t it?


    • aisha June 22, 2011 at 9:42 pm #


      i love when you comment ~ I really appreciate your perspective. It would be fascinating some time to do a study comparing and contrasting abuse and BDSM. I know I’ll probably never actually have time to do it, but wouldn’t that be amazing?

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences



      • Andi June 23, 2011 at 8:30 am #

        I’ve often debated the BDSM/abused thing quietly lol. I think there on occasions it is the driving force. because in any relationship our past is what steers the boat yes?

  5. Ally June 22, 2011 at 10:40 am #

    I don’t think I have ever seen the punishment topic pulled apart so well. It definately helped me think about it more clearly. Thanks!

    • aisha June 22, 2011 at 9:45 pm #


      Thank you so much – I’m so glad you thought it was helpful.



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